I truly love the fact that I have several good friends. I have friends that have families that require lots of attention and I have friends who have more time to converse (read: chit chat with no point). Some people have the time and some don't, I accept that.
These days though, I feel like I make everyone uncomfortable when I bear my soul, or even a tiny corner of it. I want so very much to call up my high school girlfriend and talk about life. I want to hear how her family is really doing; I don't want her to hide anything because we haven't been close in years. And I want to talk about Michael with her because she is one of the few people who actually knew him. But, we haven't been close in years and it makes me very sad.
I find myself isolated because I don't want to subject those friends I have to the pain that I am experiencing. My grief is uncomfortable. I know.
For the time being, I have to swallow the lump in my throat and think of rainbows and butterflies and pink ponies when I talk to my friends. Maybe that's why my phone doesn't ring much these days.
I would say your friends just feel helpless when they hear you talk about Michael. I know they feel horrible for the pain you are experiencing, but then again, what can they do to make it better. People like to make things all better and sometimes they just can’t. Your friends need to know that you don’t expect them to know all the right words to say, you just need them to listen.
ReplyDeleteI don't think a loss of a loved one ever stops hurting. I have never lost a child but I did lose my mother when I was very young. I have always felt like some part of me is missing. It's been 32 years and I still feel sad about it. It's part of who I am and that will never change. Your son was part of your life. I don't think you should be afraid to talk about this to your friends. If they are real friends they will understand that.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I'm not there.. what a pile of you-know-what. I remember that comment that someone didn't feel sorry for you because you could have more children. it's just too much. yeah, it's about 4am. kids sleeping now, but I can't.
ReplyDelete