Winter... it's coming!

It just occurred to me that this is coming...

I have maybe three whole months before I see this again, and I'm not looking forward to it.  Something about the weather we're having has me all sad and mopey; the lack of sun for even a few days can pull the rug out from a Coloradoan.  It's been raining for over a day and I haven't seen the sun since...  well, it's been a couple of days?  It just made me want to curl up on the couch with a blanket and watch mindless television.  We'll have to thank Jake for turning us on to Community.  

Enjoy the rest of your summer because winter is coming.  Bum, bum, bum.... (queue dramatic music)   

Google Keep.... I think I'll keep you.

There's nothing like a bunch of post-it notes in my drawer, on my desk, in pads, stuck to my computer screen, at the bottom of my purse, or on the kitchen table.  Seriously, I buy all kinds, sizes, shapes, and colors.  I've got them with lines, pictures, washed out backgrounds, and promotional ones that are cooler than hell!  Okay, bad analogy.  

But really, Google Keep is like having a page full of post-it notes you can access on your smart phone, tablet (there's no app for the Nook damnit, but you can view it on Chrome), work computer, home computer, Chromebook, etc.  I keep my grocery list, meal plan, stuff I'm worried about, calls I have to make, and a bunch of things I'm working on to solidify my mission statement for my private practice on individual notes.

For someone who has a fatal attraction to being organized, like me, Google Keep is like pizza to a pothead.  I would know, I live in Colorado.

Thanks to http://www.techradar.com/ for the awesome pic.

  

Attempted Planning and Organization

I'm trying to get back into the groove of cooking, especially since school will start in about three weeks and my planning and organizational skills will come in quite handy.  Translation...  we're screwed.  I would love to say that I'm going to cook every night this week and that we won't eat out, but that would be a lie.  With Rob's new job and our crazy schedule, we will eat out at least once and I will enjoy it.  Rob was even saying last night that we will probably be able to eat out more.  That's a goal?  Okay, whatever.

For now, I have to plan and this is what I've come up with:

• Tacos, rice, beans.  This could also be in the form of a burrito/taco bowl.  We have grilled chicken strips, ground beef, avocado, sour cream, salsa, cheese...  I should just call it Mexican night.
• Spaghetti and sausage with vodka sauce and cheesy bread sticks.
• Salad with grilled chicken strips - this is the lazy night special since it takes zero prep.
• Ravioli
• Slop - this is ground beef in mushroom sauce over rice.  Another lazy night special and family favorite.
• Chicken and rice - a fairly simple recipe I found online.  I actually had to buy celery for this - actual cooking is involved so I'm making it today while I have time.  Actual cooking...  it smells so good, and after carefully reading the recipe rather than skimming, it appears to be almost chicken risotto.  Wow.   Hopefully it will provide leftovers for lunches this week.

We will absolutely be having dinner out later this week, there's no chance I'll cook every night.  I'm also thinking about breakfast out on Saturday or Sunday.  Mmmmmmm, breakfast. 

Judgement

That was my focus today, or rather being able to notice judgment and let it go without putting any of myself into it.  It was a little about me recognizing how often I have judgmental thoughts and a lot about freeing myself from the burden of judgement.

Mission accomplished...  well, so far anyway.  I feel as though it's become easier through the day, and it will be easier tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that.  Why didn't I do this earlier?!  Judgement.  Moving on.

By the way, FB is a killer when you're working on being non-judgmental.  Just thought you should know.

Allergies suck

I'm considering allergy testing.  

This is a big deal for me because...   needles!  I hate needles, but every year I fight to find just the right allergy medication, just the right combination of drug to natural remedy to household isolation.  I'm over it.  

It will be a huge step for me to call my doctors office and ask about the process, costs (always a big deal for me), and if it is even an option.  

I've noted my progress, now lets see if I follow through. 

I had a naughty thought this morning...

"I can just quit my job and see clients!"

...

You see, I think naughty thoughts when I don't get enough rest/play/family connection/accomplished on the weekends, take your pick.  I also get a bit cranky, fail to refresh, and head into Monday with the typical Monday angst.  And for the record, this thought was the least of my naughty thoughts; it just happened to be one of the loudest.

The funny thing is that I don't work at that job-I'd-like-to-quit on Monday's; I haven't for years!  On Monday's I see clients, I do work on creating my private practice, I read for work and fun, I race around town to get things done.  It's not exactly fun, but it isn't really the grind that I feel other days of the week.

We have bills to pay, a class to pay for - my last! - and a lifestyle that we'd like to achieve.  You know the one where you can go to the grocery store whenever you want and don't really worry about the fact that your jobs require six tanks of gas between the two cars for the month.

So that's it, I have naughty thoughts sometimes.  I'm old, give me a break!

Insomnia

It's a bitch.  I mean really, who wants to be awake at four in the morning after going to bed nearly seven hours earlier?  Nobody, that's who.

I have narrowed the problem down to an ill-timed dose of Excedrin Migraine - note to self, only take that stuff until around two in the afternoon.  Pain later in the day will require Aleve or Advil.

I keep telling myself that I have no new stress or anxiety, but that might not be entirely true.  Rob got a new job today...  wait, yesterday.  It's within the same company and comes with a raise so the "risk" is low, but it is change and I don't do too well with change, of any kind.  So maybe it isn't that he can sleep in an hour later in the morning, or that his paycheck will be a bit bigger, but it could be that he can't take Lindsay to her afternoon appointment during the week or that when school starts again he won't be in a position to pick her up at a reasonable time.  He assures me that he will be able to adjust his schedule when he's done training, but for now it will be change.  

Dinner time will be later, but we will see each other in the morning - I do not currently get up at 5:30 to have chit chat with him, he generally gets a, "Have a good day, I love you," in a sleepy voice as he grabs his cell phone and heads out the door.

There is good news with this transition...  this position will allow him to build experience in a field he has schooling in but lacks the course credits for a degree.  Most companies want a degree or the experience - in a couple of years he'll have one of those, or maybe both if we can get him enrolled in some classes.

And then there is the transition that I have been avoiding for some time.  I will earn my degree soon and will need to transition to a full-time counselor if I am to make use of my degree.  I would like to open a private practice, and I know that might be a dream for a bit.  Regardless, I will need to leave the job I have found security in for the past 15 years.  That is a scary thought.  I have been attending an online private practice conference and today began reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.  So far, both have given me uncomfortable glimpses into the fear that keeps me rooted in mediocrity.  

One of my discoveries (or maybe it's just a willingness to voice it) while listening to Daring Greatly, is that I'm afraid I'm not good enough.  Come on, how many people feel that way sometimes?  Raise your hand; you know you have your moments.  Unless you've done a lot of work, or you are naturally blessed with a fantastic understanding of what you are capable of and above average self-esteem, you have experienced that feeling from time to time.  Me?  I feel like that at least a handful of times every week.  When I'm tired or sick it gets worse.

So why do I feel like I'm not good enough?  Is it because I didn't try very hard in school?  No, that's not it at all.  Is it because I'm lazy and don't do much outside reading?  Uh, I don't think so.  Is it because I'm still working on me and that is showing up for me in different ways?  For now I'm going to have to say, yes.  I don't have any other answers right now, but these feelings of inadequacy will stand in the way of my future if I don't confront them and their source.

Oddly enough, I feel less uncomfortable about myself now that my husband has had an opportunity to move forward in his career.  This is important, but not to be addressed at 4AM.

Yeah, it's after four in the morning.  I fed the cats already!  Good grief.  Good thing I got extra sleep this morning, tomorrow today will be a long day.  I have a nap opportunity this afternoon that I hope I will be able to take advantage of.  Also, I cannot wait to read this when I've had some real sleep - it should be a hoot.

Ahhh, gratitude. Where have you been?

When there are things to worry about, concerns that overwhelm the soul, that is the time to look to gratitude.  It would be so easy to make up some excuse about how I'm so worried about X, Y, and Z to think about being grateful for the things in my life. The truth is that without finding those small (or big) things and naming them, the joy is stripped away and all I am left with is the ickyness.  Yes, I said ickyness, deal with it.

I am ever so grateful that my son was able to visit home and that we even got to see him before he completes his time forward deployed in the Navy.  As frustrating as his visit seemed, we did get to see him.

I am grateful for the beautiful, funny, intelligent, and sensitive woman my son has chosen to marry.  She has one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met.  She is angry with me right now, which is one of the things I am terribly worried about, and I hope I can make it right since knowing her and having her in my life is terribly important. 

I am grateful for the wonderful day my daughter had yesterday.  She deserves some joy and time with friends in the summer.

I am also grateful that my daughter's boyfriend seems to be more goofball than jerk - a distinction I was unable to determine until recently.  I still trust him only as far as I can pick him up and throw him, but she is my daughter and I would move heaven and Earth to protect her.  That lack of trust has less to do with him than with me and my fears.

I am grateful that I was able to sit in the warm sun chatting on the phone with a wonderful friend during my lunch and watch two adult males try to load a 10' long, 6" diameter PVC pipe into a 1960-something Porsche.  I'm serious, it was the funniest, most ridiculous thing I had seen all week, maybe all month.

Finally, I am grateful that I am capable of introspection regarding my current struggles as well as my career goals, also a source of great worry and concern these days.

Reading Would Be Nice

So back in the beginning of May, I talked about the things I'd like to do in order to feel a little more normal.  Reading was one of those things, and I'll be honest, it hasn't been easy.  I can't seem to focus on reading and it is beyond frustrating.  I don't meal plan like I used to, I don't drink wine among the sunflowers and mint in the back yard, and there has been no relaxing.  Not to speak of anyway.

The books I'm trying to read, or want to read, have changed only a little bit.

• The Gift of Therapy by Irvin Yalom - I'm still trying to read this one.
• Catching Fire - still haven't finished it.  Lost access when I had to replace my Nook and the Kindle app wasn't uninstalled properly.
• I Thought it was Just Me (But it Isn't) by Brene Brown - still haven't bought it.  Maybe someday.
• I Heart My Little A-Holes by Karen Alpert - same story, haven't bought it.
• Berried to the Hilt by Karen McInerney - bought it, haven't read it.
• Forever Odd by Dean Koontz - I've read it before but forgot the story.
• Cold Days and Skin Game by Jim Butcher - A friend lent these to me and then I just bought them on my Nook.  Can't get into them.
• Inferno by Dan Brown - Bought a real copy, haven't started it.
• And in case my to read list wasn't long enough with zero follow-through, I picked up Bitter Is the New Black from the library.

Sometimes Parenting Sucks

We had dinner with Matt and his girlfriend on Wednesday night and then didn't see or hear from him until today... and then the day was full of disappointment.  We didn't hear from Matt all morning, but we went about our business anyway, with a short trip to the grocery store for buns and the gas station to fill up Rob's car.  This visit has had a lot of "go about your business" time.  Late this afternoon when he came for a couple of hours to chat with us and regroup for an evening with his friends.  He promised his sister he would spend time with her tomorrow and then he left.  A few hours later, he called and cancelled.  According to Lindsay, he has broken every promise he's made to her since he got here nearly two weeks ago.  His dad, Lindsay, Jake and I have gotten a token amount of time with him, with the bulk going to the girlfriend and his high school friends.

I know that kids grow up and spend less and less time with their families.  I know it's our job as parents to support him in any way we can while he is serving, and I do not begrudge him that.  I do believe that if you make a promise to your 15 year old sister who loves you even when you crush her heart, you are a jerk.  There, I said it.  My son is behaving like a selfish child and his lack of planning should not impact his sister this way.  
Sometimes parenting sucks, and tonight I have cried for hours because my little girl is in pain.  I have held her and rocked her, letting her vent about the injustice she feels, and offered gentle agreement while I cried with her.  I offered tissues and then helped her find her cell phone and offered her Nook so she could find some distractions.  But I can't take the pain away, I can't make it stop hurting.
  
Sometimes parenting sucks because sometimes you wonder what happened to the boy you raised and what you might have done to make him distance himself from his family.  You wonder if, instead of doing something really wrong, he's just spreading the damn wings everybody is always talking about and we've just offered the perfect launchpad for his independence.

Sometimes parenting sucks because you hear how disappointed your oldest son is about how you don't come to visit him or spend time with him where he lives.  You wonder if it's worth explaining how difficult it is to buy gas to go to work or pay the bills and buy groceries, and how much you struggle.  You worry about making him worry because you don't want to make him feel guilty about anything.    

And finally, sometimes parenting sucks because you wonder when you will be able to stop worrying about them for just long enough to feel like a real person with a life of her own.  You wonder if there will ever be a time when you can be selfish again, or if this is a permanent effect of having children, and if so, might they all just get together and decide to let their mom and dad have a worry-free day once every decade or so? 

Gratitude Project

I feel like I should start my own personal gratitude project.  I should, most days, list what I am grateful for.  Ignore my bad grammar.  It's okay to have things that aren't going right, that are causing stress.  That's just life, but ignoring the things that are going well simply isn't productive for me.

What am I grateful for today?  Well so far...

• Lindsay and I talked last night.  She shared her poetry with me, her feelings about a few stressful subjects, and some macaroni and cheese while we watched Community.  
• I was able to talk to a Navy Mom on the phone at lunch.  She was in need and I was able to be there for her.
• Once again, it is a beautiful day.

We're supposed to have enchilada's for dinner tonight.  I'm hoping that is still the plan because everyone is fully stressed out and I don't think we'll be able to handle Matt cancelling.  Fun times.

Worry, stress, and anxiety, the black hole of having fun and enjoying life.

So I may have been mistaken about being happier at work.  I don't want to be here.  Maybe I'm just not happy anywhere right now.  That presents a problem.  

I wish I could afford to see a therapist.  I simply cannot function at this high a level of stress for much longer.  I have such horrible reflux/heartburn and stomach aches that I wonder if I have an ulcer.  I was certain we had a leak in a water line at home today and I just about lost it waiting for Rob to take a look at it after I called him and told him I was worried.  Turns out, I was right.  Yes, I worry about EVERYTHING.  Yes, I WORST CASE SCENARIO everything.  Sometimes I'm right.  Not that it helps to be right; as a matter of fact, it might make it worse since it reinforces the need to worry.

So, what am I grateful for today?  

• I'm grateful for the timing of finding the leak under the house.
• I'm grateful my son is a simple phone call away - on his US phone, and only a few minutes from home for the next few days.
• I am grateful that the storms we seemed to have every day have cleared and we have beautiful days ahead of us.

Fuck this noise!

6/30/2014 - Afternoon

It is a sad day when you realize you'd rather be at work than at home.  

My teen daughters behavior and my sons visit home have me jumping out of my skin and feeling useless and unwanted.  I knew I would say those words in regards to my daughter some day, but my son?  Never saw it coming.  It's the girl, I know it's the girl.  Who wants to sleep at home when you can sleep at the girlfriends apartment?  Why eat dinner at home when you can go out to eat with the girlfriend?  Why hang out and talk with your parents when you can party and go to clubs with your friends and your girlfriend?  Well, now that you put it that way...  Yeah, fuck that noise!  

It's been a week and we've seen him for about three hours on his own.  Three hours.  If I wanted to see the girlfriend, I'd have coffee with her when he's out to sea.  I haven't had coffee with her, ever.  There's a reason.

And then there's Lindsay...  she takes and takes and takes.  And then she gets upset when she doesn't get one thing.  She might ask for a glass of water and I've just sat down.  I say no, she get's irate.  Fuck that noise.

I'm not a happy camper.  

7/1/2014 - Afternoon

So I may have been mistaken about being at work.  I don't want to be here.  Maybe I'm just not happy anywhere right now.  That presents a problem.  

I wish I could afford to see a therapist.  I simply cannot function at this high a level of stress for much longer.  I have such horrible reflux/heartburn and stomach aches that I wonder if I have an ulcer.  I was certain we had a leak in a water line at home today and I just about lost it waiting for Shawn to take a look at it after I called him and told him I was worried.  Turns out, I was right.  Yes, I worry about EVERYTHING.  Yes, I WORST CASE SCENARIO everything.  Sometimes I'm right.  Not that it helps to be right, as a matter of fact, it might make it worse since it reinforces the need to worry.