Today I was reading a loss blog of a woman whose son was stillborn. To be fair, I haven't read a whole lot of her. She's probably a wonderful person. The following just hit me wrong during a very difficult time I'm going through.
She said, and I'll quote here,
"...there is absolutely no need to tell me, a woman who has buried her only (much wanted, much planned for) son, about the prevalence of teen pregnancy in North America. My Spidey-Senses begin to tingle when I am in within 200 paces of a teen mom. I generally avoid Saturdays at the mall so I don't have to look at the teen parent's showing off their kids, or their friends thinking they are so cool. I don't go to high school functions or teen activities, because I choose NOT to think about the unfairness of unwanted teen pregnancies in light of my experience. Thank you so much for bringing up the issue of teen pregnancy with me - just what I wanted to think about right now."
This quote is from a post that is over two years old but it stirred something in me that I've found horribly unfair for 19 years. I was told, while Michael lay on life support in the PICU that, "This is your punishment from God." Ummm, oookay...? But I didn't take it that well; my reaction was more like a silent contemplation of the fact that God did not love me and that he was heartless enough to kill a baby in order to punish me. People looked at me as though I was a freak, a teen parent who lost their child? "Well, she'll get over it, she's young."
Why is it that just because I was a teen parent and my son unplanned, that people don't think it was just as difficult for me to lose him than it would have been for a 20-something year old who had tried for a year to get pregnant? Is there really a difference?
I haven't written about Michael's life or the day he died - I'm not ready to share all that yet (I guess); I've only written about his impact on me so let me just say...
I was two weeks shy of my 16th birthday when I got pregnant with him. I was one month shy of my 17th birthday when he died. My faith was destroyed, my boyfriend (now husband) and I split up, my friends found me too unbearable because I wasn't fun, I dropped out of school, I became withdrawn, addicted to pain medication and sleeping pills, I was a 17 year old mess.
I did overcome it, most of it. The hubby and I have three healthy children. But invisible to most people, our family is cracked and someone is missing. Michael was the first, so the kids don't remember him but they do know that I'm sometimes sad about him and that I'm overprotective because of my experiences - I always think I'm going to lose one of them too.
I understand the she was just writing what she was feeling and that's OKAY. But the sentiment is out there; people think less about teen parents as actual parents and more of them as a public health issue, a societal problem - and let's not forget that they just think less of them.
Try to remember what it was like the first time you laid eyes on your son or daughter - that's what it was like for me too.
I think you know better than anyone that people say unthinking things to grieving mothers. AND when you are a grieving mother you lash out and say things you regret as well.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that this mother and you would both see eye to eye that losing a baby is the very worst thing that there is...regardless of age or circumstances and would bet that she didn't think her words would inflict pain on you.
(Can you tell that I have been on both sides of this circumstance? It's not fun on either side. Bleh.)
Oh, yes. Like I said, I'm sure she's a great person. I have no doubt that those words were spoken out of grief and despair.
ReplyDeleteHer writing brought up the hurt and anger from all those years ago and I don't mean to lash out at her... just to put my own grief and hurt on the table - mostly just for me. I realized last night how bitter I am at some of the horrible thoughtless things that both 'friends' and family said during those terrible days and after reading that post - I just had to get it out.
'Cause ya know, if I talk about it to someone in person... well, there's sobbing involved and (like last night) ruined mascara - not a pretty sight.
I was 16 when I got pregnant with Andrew and 17 by the time I had him. A few years ago, a woman from our local pregnancy center wanted me to speak to a group of girls about teenage pregnancy. I told her very frankly, “You don’t want ME talking to them.” Kevin piped up and said, “Yea, cause she’ll tell them that it’s okay and to do what they want!”
ReplyDeleteThe woman never opened her mouth again.
God loves you and He was definitely not punishing you. That was very asinine and heartless thing to say!
I am the 20 something who planned for her baby and lost her(plus 3 more). I am the 'perfect' scenario. However, a baby is a baby and any baby lost is one too many. I hurt for you, I hurt for the woman in your post and I hurt for me.
ReplyDeletePlus on top of everything I am still bitter that i believed the high school health teacher who convinced me 'it only took one time'...ahh the wasted years of birth control. I get why she is angry and I also completely understand the stupid things we all say or have had said to us. I guess it all just goes to show we are all human...and life has its completely sucky moments.
love your blog...mind if I link to you?
Tami - I never would have guessed that about you, and I was never any good at math either. :)
ReplyDeleteJenny - thanks, and I wouldn't mind at all!