Something Normal

Meal plans are normal.  I really need some kind of normal right now.  Even the month isn't normal - January is a bookkeepers nightmare.  

We've gone to the grocery store every week but we're not eating much at home, so there's lots of food - too much.  The problem is that I don't have a plan.  I've got a lot of food, no plan.

Hamburger helper.  That's right, I bought hamburger helper.  I'm not sure what I was thinking except that I didn't have a plan.  Basically, we've got hamburger helper and some lemon chicken.  Oh, and maybe the stuff to make spaghetti and Ski Pasta.  Also, I think I might have the stuff for potato soup.

Thankfully, I thought about this abundance of dinner food when we went shopping today and bought mostly breakfast and lunch stuff.  Breakfast is always a tough one for me...  cereal?  Not enough time.  Eggs?  Same and I'm lazy.  Several months ago I made a bunch of breakfast burritos - not bad but I didn't make any this weekend.  

What we do have is yogurt.  Um, yeah.  Lots and lots of yogurt.  I have no idea what else we have.  Toast maybe?

Lunch.  That's where I seemed to shine today.  Salads, sandwiches, snacks, applesauce, juice boxes, bottled tea.  We're set for the week.

Dinner.  Ugh.

It would be great to have a plan.

More suck from the process known as grief

I call my mom a couple times a day.  I don't know how else to be there for her when we live about 20 miles away and I have to work about 30 miles away from her house.  I couldn't call this morning so I sent her a text and asked about her dog who was at the vet getting her teeth cleaned.  

Matt will be here tomorrow afternoon.  He was lucky to get the emergency leave, though they made him pay for the ticket and use his leave, we simply don't care.  While we aren't having a memorial service until this summer, we are having a family dinner where we'll all have the opportunity to share with each other, find comfort, and talk to my mom about the future.   

I wonder when this will get easier?  I know it takes time, I've done it before, talked with others who have, and still I'd just like to know I'll be on the other side.  

One moment changed everything.  FYI, freak accidents happen.  I think that's whats so hard.  HE SLIPPED ON THE FUCKING ICE!  I've slipped 15 times since he fell and I didn't die!  I didn't even fall on my butt!  Ugh.  

Also, I just learned that research says swearing helps us to be more resilient.  I've got a life to put back together people, so if you don't like the swearing, fuck off.

  

Grief and WTAF?

This last six days have been fucking surreal.  Did I say that already?  I'm talking to my mom tonight and realize we're talking about giving away all of my dad's clothes, shoes, and coats.  What the ACTUAL Fuck?  

I was watching Gray's Anatomy today and some guy's dad died.  Perfect viewing material.  Fuck me.  Anyway, he said he couldn't imagine a world where his dad wasn't alive.  Me either!  My life has become small, I'm living in a bubble, and I know I can't stay here forever - I have a job, clients, and a family.   I have bills to pay and responsibilities to attend to.  

I have to figure out how to deal with it, process it, and then begin to put it behind me.  But what did I do yesterday?  I reveled in isolation with my family.  I got angry.  I talked to my mom about giving my dads stuff away and I felt like I was watching a movie.  This can't be real, right?  I have no idea who I'm angry with, I'm just angry sometimes.  It wells up like vomit from the pit of my stomach and fills my whole being with an intense white-hot anger... and then, when I can't figure out who to be angry with, it subsides and I feel empty and alone.

Edit:
In case you couldn't tell, my dad died.  He took his last breath and his heart stopped beating at 5:55pm on 1/11/15. WTAF?

God's Dirty Joke... And the one where I say FUCK a lot

My dad fell on the ice.  We all fall on the ice sometimes, unless you live in a tropical climate and never leave - to which I say, aren't you just special...?

So my dad fell on the ice in his driveway and hit his head.  But he didn't just hit his head, he slammed it against the ground, bouncing his brain back and forth in his skull.  

That will fucking kill you.  

Thirty-six hours later we're sitting in the hospital waiting (is that even the right word?!) for him to die.  The neurosurgeon used the word miracle when referring to his chances of recovery.  They were willing to do radical surgery if we wanted it, but the best outcome we could hope for was that he would need to live in a nursing home and be cared for the rest of his days.  That is NOT the life my dad would want.

It's a quarter to three in the morning; my mother and I are keeping vigil while my daughter and husband doze.  My mother is struggling with the stress of the hours of wakefulness and the crushing grief that threatens to incapacitate her.  I feel like I'm living in some surreal fucking wonderland where I should wake from any minute.  This cannot be happening - how does a slip on the ice change the very foundations of your existence?!

It's not God's fault.  God doesn't cause bad things to happen, he doesn't have his finger on the pulse of every fucking person on the planet.  God will however, offer a hand, tell my dad a dirty joke, and welcome him into the afterlife.  Once there, my dad will meet my father and my son.  They'll hang out awhile, and my dad will tell my father how proud he is of me. 

I don't know if that's the way it will happen, but I need to believe that God will tell my dad a dirty joke.  

This was the view from my dads hospital room just before 2am.  I felt lonely and the scene is both hopeful and empty.

Journaling In The New Year

I would love to be able to journal every day of the year, or write in a beautiful composition notebook (my tastes are simple) every week.  Writing by hand is difficult for me because my hand gets tired, my brain goes way faster than my hand, and my handwriting is just awful.  It's easy to be discouraged about keeping some sort of written record about life.  Facebook and Pinterest are full of awesome hand written, beautifully drawn, expertly colored examples of journals - not one skill of which do I possess.  That's okay, I can write well, I'm funny, and I frankly don't give a crap what anyone else thinks about what I have to journal about.  I can just write here.

The past month or so has been full of accomplishments, heartbreak, anxious moments, progress, holidays, and so much more.  I'm actually overwhelmed with how much our lives have changed in the last four or five weeks.  I completed my masters degree and never have to go back to school again (if I don't want to) - Whoo Hoo!  It really was a huge accomplishment for me.  Not too much later, Rob came home with awesome news too!  He is going to be teaching a class at the local community college.  This is something he's wanted to do for several years now.  What wonderful accomplishments we have had recently, and 2014 as a whole was a pretty fantastic year.  It was full of completed goals, new opportunities, and so much growth!

Speaking of college, Jake wants to go back to school soon, Matt is finishing a class here and there in the Navy, and Lindsay will start at a charter school that offers college classes and about 85% of their students graduate with a high school diploma as well as an Associates Degree when they're done.  How exciting for all of them!  On the down side, because life is never perfect, Jake and Willa separated recently.  They are both in our hearts as they deal with this disappointment.

Matt will make a decision soon about his career in the Navy.  He doesn't know yet what will happen, so we're all just being patient for his decision when the time comes.  Patience!  I know, right?!  I swear, I am being patient!  It's easier than I expected, seriously.

So then there's work.  I'm thinking it's time to give my notice and become a counselor full time.  I have found security in my job over the years, so making this decision was difficult and scary.  Yeah, I am terrified of leaving the security I have had for all these years.  I'm still not sure if I can make enough money as a counselor, but If I don't risk anything, I'll never know.

So 2015 is here!  I'll be writing 2014 on checks and documents for the next three months, but so will you so there is that.  I will receive a transcript soon that states I have earned a Masters degree, leave a job I have both loved and hated for so long, and jump feet first and running into a career that I have been building for the last two and a half years.

I'm not one to make resolutions - I've said that before - so I'm setting my sights on intentions...  Intentions are positive change that I intend to bring about.  I'm not fixing something that's broken, I'm creating a positive - so much difference!  It's like the power of positive thinking; put the positive thoughts and intentions out into the universe while working toward these positive goals for change.