I LUUUUUUUVE me some teenagers. Girls, really. I love the anger that comes off of them in waves, the snide comments, the one or two word responses... you know, the typical teenage girl. Everything in her life is just horrible, she's lived through awful things, and she will never recover because people who struggle like she has just don't ever live normal lives! (facepalm) How dare I say anything about distracting herself when she gets sad/frustrated or going to spend time with a friend, because nothing will help - certainly not her mother!
Sigh...
I am trying to learn, very quickly, not to let her anger hurt me. I need thicker skin, STAT!
The other super-cool thing that happens in our house is that we have no idea when she'll get angry, withdrawn, snap at us, or just be generally unlikable. Don't get me wrong, I love and adore her, but some days I just want it to be peaceful. Those are generally the days that are anything but. It's three minutes till eight right now, and the angry one could emerge at any moment. She was here this morning - woke up like that - but was fine when she got home from school. Yesterday she was fine in the morning but something set her off around 7:30 so I'm kind of on edge here.
I'm trying to remember that many teen girls go through this, dare I say all of them? Nah, there have to be a few who are a breeze to raise, who don't challenge their parents authority, and who go to all their classes and do their homework... right? Well, I wasn't one of those, but I bet they exist. So if there are a tremendous number of girls who challenge their parents, why aren't they talking? Or are they like me, afraid to share the details with the world and have kept their posts in draft? Someday, when we're past this maybe, I'll share. Until then, this is for my eyes. Damn you Blogger, for not having a password function for individual posts!
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Monday, May 19, 2014
Meal Plan
Something normal in a month that's far from normal.
The theme this week is simple. I have no energy and no motivation.
I think tonight will be burgers and salad. I wish I had thought to buy french fried or tater tots, but no.
The theme this week is simple. I have no energy and no motivation.
- Beef Taco's - had these last night.
- Chicken Taco's - soft taco's, later this week so it doesn't seem like a repeat. Chicken with spices (a package of chicken taco seasoning) in the crockpot all day. Served with rice and black beans. Maybe Tuesday because it'll be ready when we walk in the door, basically.
- Breakfast for dinner - eggs, sausage, hashed browns, toast.
- Burgers and salad
- Burrito bowl's - ground beef, black beans, lettuce, salsa, avocado, etc. with chips and queso... like Qdoba. Geeze, that's gonna seem like I'm overdoing the Mexican stuff... oh well.
- Slop - our family's version of a lazy meal. Ground beef, sour cream, cream of mushroom, salt and pepper over rice or mashed potatoes.
- Meatloaf with mashed potatoes and green beans.
- Lime chicken - chicken breasts, lime juice, egg wash, bread crumbs or panko. With mashed potatoes.
- Chili with cheese, sour cream, crackers.
I think tonight will be burgers and salad. I wish I had thought to buy french fried or tater tots, but no.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Can I do anything right?
Teenagers can really kill your self esteem, your belief in your skills, and shake the very foundations of everything you think you know about parenting. Fuck me, this is hard. I have never felt so incompetent in my life. I think part of the reason I've been writing is because it's one of the things I feel like I do well, even if I'm not proofing or concerned with my punctuation.
My failures
I'm really struggling with being enough right now. Enough mom, enough adult, enough wife... I feel like I'm in a tug of war for my own identity. Am I any good at any of these? What is that saying, jack of all trades, master of none? But have I even begun to scratch the surface of enough?
I'm told by "experts" and magazine articles that I'm not supposed to tell my daughter how smart and capable she is, but to point out how she is smart and capable. Have I been doing it wrong this whole time? She is smart, though now she's behind in school because she simply didn't pay attention in school and didn't care. I bet she still scores in the high range of proficient on the TCAP in almost everything like she has in years past. I feel like she needs to hear that we believe in her intelligence, that it exists within her. Finding examples to illustrate her intelligence right now is a struggle because she's done so poorly for so long. I don't want to create a little monster, but I can't have her believing the worst of herself either. Sigh... parenting can be a setup for failure, or that's how it feels.
Anyway, I guess telling a kid they are smart is considered detrimental now - it creates self esteem with nothing but air to back it up. When I was a kid we were just expected to do well, to get good grades, to perform, and I was rarely congratulated for good grades. I didn't know I was even allowed to fail; it was just my job to do well and when I didn't for whatever reason, I felt as though I had become a disappointment to those around me. I couldn't have cared less about getting good grades, I just wanted to pass. Never having anyone tell me they believed in me, that they thought I was smart, left me believing that I wasn't capable of much. Add to that getting pregnant as a teen, and well, I believed every stereotype about stupid teen girls.
I am also the enemy to my daughter now. I was stupid before, now I'm stupid, clueless, heartless, and an iron beast with no sense of justice. Try that one on for size. I can hardly function because of the tears in my eyes and lump in my throat. I have told her for a few years now that I'm not her friend, I'm her mother but I never felt like I was a horrible mother. I know I need to grow thicker skin, but it's painful and I don't like it. Imagine me stomping my feet and throwing a little temper tantrum there.
And that's where I start to feel as though I'm not enough of an adult. Do adults throw temper tantrums? Do they cry at the drop of a hat? Do they struggle to keep the bathroom and kitchen clean? Is laundry their nemesis? Geeze, this adult stuff is a load of BS; I want off the ride. Twelve years old sounds great - middle school, washing dishes and keeping my bedroom clean, playing with friends, having sleepovers, birthday parties, learning to cook and playing with dolls. I was on the verge of adulthood without a lot of the adult concerns. But I'm an adult with adult responsibilities. I can't call in sick to work because I can't afford to lose any pay, I can't cancel all of my clients because I'm struggling with being a mom, I can't go on a shopping "spree" to buy all of the things we need because I wouldn't be able to pay the bills when I was done. So I just suck it up and go to work, but I daydream about a vacation, about zero responsibilities, of having all my children grown because I don't know how to handle the here and now.
I'm told by "experts" and magazine articles that I'm not supposed to tell my daughter how smart and capable she is, but to point out how she is smart and capable. Have I been doing it wrong this whole time? She is smart, though now she's behind in school because she simply didn't pay attention in school and didn't care. I bet she still scores in the high range of proficient on the TCAP in almost everything like she has in years past. I feel like she needs to hear that we believe in her intelligence, that it exists within her. Finding examples to illustrate her intelligence right now is a struggle because she's done so poorly for so long. I don't want to create a little monster, but I can't have her believing the worst of herself either. Sigh... parenting can be a setup for failure, or that's how it feels.
Anyway, I guess telling a kid they are smart is considered detrimental now - it creates self esteem with nothing but air to back it up. When I was a kid we were just expected to do well, to get good grades, to perform, and I was rarely congratulated for good grades. I didn't know I was even allowed to fail; it was just my job to do well and when I didn't for whatever reason, I felt as though I had become a disappointment to those around me. I couldn't have cared less about getting good grades, I just wanted to pass. Never having anyone tell me they believed in me, that they thought I was smart, left me believing that I wasn't capable of much. Add to that getting pregnant as a teen, and well, I believed every stereotype about stupid teen girls.
I am also the enemy to my daughter now. I was stupid before, now I'm stupid, clueless, heartless, and an iron beast with no sense of justice. Try that one on for size. I can hardly function because of the tears in my eyes and lump in my throat. I have told her for a few years now that I'm not her friend, I'm her mother but I never felt like I was a horrible mother. I know I need to grow thicker skin, but it's painful and I don't like it. Imagine me stomping my feet and throwing a little temper tantrum there.
And that's where I start to feel as though I'm not enough of an adult. Do adults throw temper tantrums? Do they cry at the drop of a hat? Do they struggle to keep the bathroom and kitchen clean? Is laundry their nemesis? Geeze, this adult stuff is a load of BS; I want off the ride. Twelve years old sounds great - middle school, washing dishes and keeping my bedroom clean, playing with friends, having sleepovers, birthday parties, learning to cook and playing with dolls. I was on the verge of adulthood without a lot of the adult concerns. But I'm an adult with adult responsibilities. I can't call in sick to work because I can't afford to lose any pay, I can't cancel all of my clients because I'm struggling with being a mom, I can't go on a shopping "spree" to buy all of the things we need because I wouldn't be able to pay the bills when I was done. So I just suck it up and go to work, but I daydream about a vacation, about zero responsibilities, of having all my children grown because I don't know how to handle the here and now.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
What it's like to let someone else do the driving
I had never experienced what it's like to have a child admitted to an inpatient facility... until Tuesday night that is. It doesn't feel good, lets start with that. Being that I'm a control freak, the fact that no one at the facility feels the need to give me any real information about my daughter is frustrating at best, but really it's just infuriating.
I gave them my daughter and while she seems cared for (Rob and I saw her when we dropped of clothes), I know nothing about what's going on, nothing I was told the first night has happened (as far as I can tell), and I'm in the dark - a place I do not like.
When we saw her last night, she was happy, smiling and laughing, mostly about the fact that I'd brought her clothes. And chap-stick. And shampoo. She didn't seem bothered to be there, said she'd done chores (dishes - by hand y'all!) and said since we'd come she didn't have to call us. She quickly followed that with, "But I wasn't going to call you anyway." Gut punch.
So how do I live with this? Rob says I need to stop thinking like a therapist and start feeling like a mom. Yeah, I know. If I let myself just feel like a mom, I'd be home in bed curled up in a ball crying, eating ice cream, smoking my damn brains out, and getting drunk. Yes, I can do all of those things curled up in a ball, try me. I had to put some therapist in there so I could function. She'll be okay, they're taking care of her, she is there to get better, this is what she needs, this isn't about what I need. The mom part says, I want my baby at home, she's being manipulative, I'm a failure at being a mother, what could I have done differently, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED AND WHAT IS GOING ON?! It was all I could do not to buy cigarettes yesterday. I even dreamed about smoking.
I had a tough day yesterday, as did Rob. I sat at work, crying occasionally, knowing I didn't want to talk about it with anyone. Today, it is all I can do to sit here and be even halfway present. I can't take time off work, and at this point, I only have six hours of work until the weekend. I have a client tonight and a group tomorrow, but I can focus on those responsibilities easier because I am actively engaged the entire time. Sitting at a desk in an empty office isn't the same.
(After lunch)
I finally had a release; I spoke to a friend about what was happening and how I'm feeling about it. I also had the opportunity to accept the flow of the things that will happen, meetings, family sessions, phone calls, her progress and eventual release. Yesterday I was frustrated because they called Rob's number to get in touch with us (worst plan ever), left a message that he didn't get for six hours, and wanted to schedule an appointment for a day that it appears the therapist isn't even available (according to her voicemail). So basically, whether I accept it or not, I'm not in control so why not just sit back and let someone else do the driving for a change. Those are the hardest words EVER.
Since this became a thing (a term I've picked up from my daughter and the girls I work with), I've wondered when and how, or if I bring it up to my supervisor. Past experience tells me that I have to disclose it to her. Because I'm having such a hard time regulating my own emotional responses and having trouble figuring out if it's okay to be a basket case verses a solid rock (I know the answer is somewhere in the middle, duh) I don't know how to bring it up to her. I suppose if I see her tonight I'll just tell her. Awkward! But whatever.
My inner optimist tells me that this is good experience for relating to future client parents. The snarky me says, fuck that and who gives a flying fuck!? A friend said to me that Rob and I might look at this as a much needed break, but it doesn't feel like that's right, or even should be right. While I did sleep in this morning, sheer exhaustion will do that to you, I'm worried about her every moment, more than before. And now my weekend is going to be taken up with this so there will be no rejuvenation for the coming week, no relaxation after a hard week, just worry about her, family counseling sessions, and a miserable Mother's Day. Happy Effing Mothers Day to me.
Food is normally my friend; I'd say we're too close sometimes. I have a hard time eating right now and nothing sounds or tastes good. After dropping off Lindsay's clothes last night, Rob drove me back to my car (long, unimportant story) and then asked if we should just get dinner at Country Buffet. While it isn't my favorite restaurant, far from it in fact, the idea of going right home was unappealing and not having to cook was a relief. I got some roast beef, mashed potatoes, and a slice of pizza. Weird. Whatever, get over it. I could hardly choke down anything because it felt like my throat was swollen. We spent over $30 for the two of us to eat food we couldn't taste and sit in silence for the better part of 30 or 40 minutes. We could have gone to McDonald's for a third of that and been just as satisfied.
I realize that I've been trying to raise a well rounded child. Education is important to us, doing your best and not making excuses. That goes for many things, like how we expect our children to treat others, what attention they pay to their responsibilities (school, chores, family) and above all, themselves. We thought it was important to give our kids control of their bodies very early. By that I mean that if they wanted to go to the doctor, they should tell us, or if they had concerns about something, they should ask rather than wait for an adult to bring it to their attention. Lindsay is a part of the ME generation, where everything in life should be handed over and that she is the center of the universe. Or so she thinks. We didn't put her there, her friends did. So now that she's in an inpatient facility, she believes it's okay to be totally selfish as long as it aligns with the facilities rules, which I'm sure it does.
For a long time she has had no consideration for the feelings of others, no idea what this is doing to us financially or emotionally, and I'm sure she's looking forward to the vacation from home/responsibilities/school/parents and when she gets home she's going to expect things to be the same. It's not going to be the same. I'm shutting down her FB account (she's being bullied on social media and complains but won't really do anything about it - getting out of groups, unfriending people, not engaging, reporting, blocking, etc.). Basically, we're trying to protect her this way, but that's not how she'll see it. I will never hear the end of it. Also, we're not going to let her sit in her room all the time. She'll have to be in the living room with us and eat dinner with us every night. I think I'm going to have to find some activities for her this summer, but I'll be damned if I know how I'll pay for it. I will keep her with me on Monday's, take her to the counseling office if I have a client, and do things with her that day. The other days will be the struggle.
Realization! Well, not like right now, but within the past day or so.... I'm being selfish. Not the stomp my feet, I want it my way (well, maybe just a little), but more in the I wish I had been more in the loop, I wish my daughter would have confided in me more, I hate that so many other people were right while I though they were wrong because I didn't have all the information. That's it right there. I don't like being in the damn dark! Sigh... Let someone else do the driving right now. Maybe that's my new mantra. I'm not sure it can overtake the fear of the unknown, of the dark.
Let someone else do the driving right now.
But I like to be in control.
Let someone else do the driving right now.
I want to know when we're leaving, where we're going, and when we'll get there.
Let someone else do the driving right now.
My phone is silent and it's making me crazy.
Let someone else do the driving right now.
This is exhausting; why can't everything be like it was?
Let someone else do the driving right now.
I don't like the dark.
Let someone else do the driving right now.
I'm scared.
Let someone else do the driving right now.
I was isolating before, now I've refused to let the world in and think they're all a bunch of fucking assholes anyway. Go figure. I did talk to a friend, but she's the least judgmental, sweetest human being I have ever met, and I was on the phone with her Tuesday when Lindsay's counselor called so she knew something was up. I have been ignoring calls and letting them go to voicemail, I cringe when I listen to the messages, and dread getting a text. Tonight I'll go home after meeting with my client (assuming the facility therapist doesn't want to meet with us at 5:45 or 6) and spend the entire evening alone because Rob is going to darts playoffs tonight. He needs to do something, he's balled up all of his stress and is at risk of having a stroke if he doesn't find a way to reduce his tension. I have no idea what I'll do with myself; normally I make dinner and watch a movie with Lindsay. Jesus! Is this what it's going to be like when she's out of the house? Are we going to isolate and withdraw util we have no support network to depend on? Well fuck. So tonight I'll try to read. Yalom probably won't hold my attention and Catching Fire will be only slightly more useful. I'll stare at FB, scrolling without seeing, refreshing and doing the same over and over and over and over again. This doesn't feel like a FB status update, so I'm not going to find support there. The whole time I'm trying to occupy myself I'll check my email endlessly, waiting for who knows what, while going through the cable menu over and over again, hoping something new shows up.
When I've done all of those things 15 or 20 times, I'll roll over in bed, close my eyes, and cry myself to sleep. My words here feel like they have power to help, and then I lose that power and fall into despair. I am not a shining example of good mental health or successful coping skills.
My evening awaits.
I gave them my daughter and while she seems cared for (Rob and I saw her when we dropped of clothes), I know nothing about what's going on, nothing I was told the first night has happened (as far as I can tell), and I'm in the dark - a place I do not like.
When we saw her last night, she was happy, smiling and laughing, mostly about the fact that I'd brought her clothes. And chap-stick. And shampoo. She didn't seem bothered to be there, said she'd done chores (dishes - by hand y'all!) and said since we'd come she didn't have to call us. She quickly followed that with, "But I wasn't going to call you anyway." Gut punch.
So how do I live with this? Rob says I need to stop thinking like a therapist and start feeling like a mom. Yeah, I know. If I let myself just feel like a mom, I'd be home in bed curled up in a ball crying, eating ice cream, smoking my damn brains out, and getting drunk. Yes, I can do all of those things curled up in a ball, try me. I had to put some therapist in there so I could function. She'll be okay, they're taking care of her, she is there to get better, this is what she needs, this isn't about what I need. The mom part says, I want my baby at home, she's being manipulative, I'm a failure at being a mother, what could I have done differently, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED AND WHAT IS GOING ON?! It was all I could do not to buy cigarettes yesterday. I even dreamed about smoking.
I had a tough day yesterday, as did Rob. I sat at work, crying occasionally, knowing I didn't want to talk about it with anyone. Today, it is all I can do to sit here and be even halfway present. I can't take time off work, and at this point, I only have six hours of work until the weekend. I have a client tonight and a group tomorrow, but I can focus on those responsibilities easier because I am actively engaged the entire time. Sitting at a desk in an empty office isn't the same.
(After lunch)
I finally had a release; I spoke to a friend about what was happening and how I'm feeling about it. I also had the opportunity to accept the flow of the things that will happen, meetings, family sessions, phone calls, her progress and eventual release. Yesterday I was frustrated because they called Rob's number to get in touch with us (worst plan ever), left a message that he didn't get for six hours, and wanted to schedule an appointment for a day that it appears the therapist isn't even available (according to her voicemail). So basically, whether I accept it or not, I'm not in control so why not just sit back and let someone else do the driving for a change. Those are the hardest words EVER.
Since this became a thing (a term I've picked up from my daughter and the girls I work with), I've wondered when and how, or if I bring it up to my supervisor. Past experience tells me that I have to disclose it to her. Because I'm having such a hard time regulating my own emotional responses and having trouble figuring out if it's okay to be a basket case verses a solid rock (I know the answer is somewhere in the middle, duh) I don't know how to bring it up to her. I suppose if I see her tonight I'll just tell her. Awkward! But whatever.
My inner optimist tells me that this is good experience for relating to future client parents. The snarky me says, fuck that and who gives a flying fuck!? A friend said to me that Rob and I might look at this as a much needed break, but it doesn't feel like that's right, or even should be right. While I did sleep in this morning, sheer exhaustion will do that to you, I'm worried about her every moment, more than before. And now my weekend is going to be taken up with this so there will be no rejuvenation for the coming week, no relaxation after a hard week, just worry about her, family counseling sessions, and a miserable Mother's Day. Happy Effing Mothers Day to me.
Food is normally my friend; I'd say we're too close sometimes. I have a hard time eating right now and nothing sounds or tastes good. After dropping off Lindsay's clothes last night, Rob drove me back to my car (long, unimportant story) and then asked if we should just get dinner at Country Buffet. While it isn't my favorite restaurant, far from it in fact, the idea of going right home was unappealing and not having to cook was a relief. I got some roast beef, mashed potatoes, and a slice of pizza. Weird. Whatever, get over it. I could hardly choke down anything because it felt like my throat was swollen. We spent over $30 for the two of us to eat food we couldn't taste and sit in silence for the better part of 30 or 40 minutes. We could have gone to McDonald's for a third of that and been just as satisfied.
I realize that I've been trying to raise a well rounded child. Education is important to us, doing your best and not making excuses. That goes for many things, like how we expect our children to treat others, what attention they pay to their responsibilities (school, chores, family) and above all, themselves. We thought it was important to give our kids control of their bodies very early. By that I mean that if they wanted to go to the doctor, they should tell us, or if they had concerns about something, they should ask rather than wait for an adult to bring it to their attention. Lindsay is a part of the ME generation, where everything in life should be handed over and that she is the center of the universe. Or so she thinks. We didn't put her there, her friends did. So now that she's in an inpatient facility, she believes it's okay to be totally selfish as long as it aligns with the facilities rules, which I'm sure it does.
For a long time she has had no consideration for the feelings of others, no idea what this is doing to us financially or emotionally, and I'm sure she's looking forward to the vacation from home/responsibilities/school/parents and when she gets home she's going to expect things to be the same. It's not going to be the same. I'm shutting down her FB account (she's being bullied on social media and complains but won't really do anything about it - getting out of groups, unfriending people, not engaging, reporting, blocking, etc.). Basically, we're trying to protect her this way, but that's not how she'll see it. I will never hear the end of it. Also, we're not going to let her sit in her room all the time. She'll have to be in the living room with us and eat dinner with us every night. I think I'm going to have to find some activities for her this summer, but I'll be damned if I know how I'll pay for it. I will keep her with me on Monday's, take her to the counseling office if I have a client, and do things with her that day. The other days will be the struggle.
Realization! Well, not like right now, but within the past day or so.... I'm being selfish. Not the stomp my feet, I want it my way (well, maybe just a little), but more in the I wish I had been more in the loop, I wish my daughter would have confided in me more, I hate that so many other people were right while I though they were wrong because I didn't have all the information. That's it right there. I don't like being in the damn dark! Sigh... Let someone else do the driving right now. Maybe that's my new mantra. I'm not sure it can overtake the fear of the unknown, of the dark.
Let someone else do the driving right now.
But I like to be in control.
Let someone else do the driving right now.
I want to know when we're leaving, where we're going, and when we'll get there.
Let someone else do the driving right now.
My phone is silent and it's making me crazy.
Let someone else do the driving right now.
This is exhausting; why can't everything be like it was?
Let someone else do the driving right now.
I don't like the dark.
Let someone else do the driving right now.
I'm scared.
Let someone else do the driving right now.
I was isolating before, now I've refused to let the world in and think they're all a bunch of fucking assholes anyway. Go figure. I did talk to a friend, but she's the least judgmental, sweetest human being I have ever met, and I was on the phone with her Tuesday when Lindsay's counselor called so she knew something was up. I have been ignoring calls and letting them go to voicemail, I cringe when I listen to the messages, and dread getting a text. Tonight I'll go home after meeting with my client (assuming the facility therapist doesn't want to meet with us at 5:45 or 6) and spend the entire evening alone because Rob is going to darts playoffs tonight. He needs to do something, he's balled up all of his stress and is at risk of having a stroke if he doesn't find a way to reduce his tension. I have no idea what I'll do with myself; normally I make dinner and watch a movie with Lindsay. Jesus! Is this what it's going to be like when she's out of the house? Are we going to isolate and withdraw util we have no support network to depend on? Well fuck. So tonight I'll try to read. Yalom probably won't hold my attention and Catching Fire will be only slightly more useful. I'll stare at FB, scrolling without seeing, refreshing and doing the same over and over and over and over again. This doesn't feel like a FB status update, so I'm not going to find support there. The whole time I'm trying to occupy myself I'll check my email endlessly, waiting for who knows what, while going through the cable menu over and over again, hoping something new shows up.
When I've done all of those things 15 or 20 times, I'll roll over in bed, close my eyes, and cry myself to sleep. My words here feel like they have power to help, and then I lose that power and fall into despair. I am not a shining example of good mental health or successful coping skills.
My evening awaits.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Coping Tools and Tips for Quitting
Not smoking sucks. And it's great. Some of the tips I found online that I thought would work were:
- Find a friend to quit with. (That's not gonna happen.)
- Manage stress. (HAHAHAHAHA... right!)
- Clean house. (OMG, stop! You're killing me!)
- Detail your car. (Now its getting ridiculous.)
- Relax fully. (Yeah, whatever.)
- Know why you want to quit. (But I DON'T!!!)
So basically, I was frustrated beyond belief and very few coping mechanisms worked for me. I guess I did journal, kind of. I'm writing here and that's something. I seem to have lost my e-cig, another helpful tool. One suggestion that has had a negative impact on my life while helping me to make it 45 days without a cigarette, is to avoid situations with might trigger a lapse... talking to my friends on the phone. I would wander around outside and talk on the phone while smoking. I may be repeating myself, but this has had a huge impact on me. I find that I'm isolating a LOT. My mom called tonight to see if I was still alive. I haven't talked to her in forever - well, a little over 45 days.
Things that helped - without the sarcasm? I'll try.
- Eat more fruits and veggies. I'm on a berry kick. I always have strawberries in my house and I've found an awesome salad that I can't get enough of - chopped romaine, chopped pecans, quartered strawberries, crumbled bacon, blue cheese, and balsamic vinaigrette. I have fewer cravings for junk food, except maybe soda but I don't keep it in the house and end up drinking water.
- Do it for your health. I'm waiting for more of those awesome benefits to kick in, like less shortness of breath. But mainly I'm looking forward to living longer - I hope.
- Choose your reward. While I haven't found a reward, I think this is worth putting a little energy into. What would I use all that money I've saved on? Well, right now I'm spending it on bills, and it's going to have to stay that way for awhile.
- To be honest, Managing stress is worth putting energy into as well, it just seems like a joke these days. Some helpful hints to reduce stress.
- Avoid stressful situations.
- Regular massages.
- Listen to relaxing music.
- Try yoga.
- Deep breathing.
- Distracting! This is a fantastic tool for coping. The list I've been looking at suggest coming up with my own list of "101 things to do instead of smoking" and would you believe...? There exists just such a list online, though coming up with your own is likely more useful. If you want a place to start, look here.
- Get moving. I'm a huge baby about cold/inclement weather, so this is something I haven't been able to do yet. Lindsay and I are going to start walking soon. We used to do it all the time, but our schedules are crazy... You like my excuses? We're going to start, at the end of the month.
- Try and try again. If I lapse and have a cigarette or (God forbid) buy a pack, I'll start over.
- That last one reminds me of one of my most effecting coping tools... When I want a cigarette, I imagine how my lungs will feel if I do smoke. Awful, they'll feel terrible and I don't want to feel like that again.
Now that I've made quitting sound like tons of hard and terrible work, let me just say that I don't think about it too much. I used to think about it a lot, even when I wouldn't have normally been smoking. Now I think about it only occasionally: when a friend calls, checking out at Walgreens, and driving home from work on Friday evenings.
I'd like to do things that make me feel normal this summer... read, relax among the sunflowers out back, drink some wine on a lazy weekend afternoon, and meal plan like I used to. I started a few good books, yes I said a few.
- The Gift of Therapy by Irvin Yalom
- Catching Fire to be immediately followed by Mockingjay. I read the Hunger Games a couple of years ago, but never finished the trilogy and didn't watch the movies until last week and now I have to read the rest.
- One Second After by William R. Forstchen
- I Thought it was Just Me (But it Isn't) by Brene Brown
- I Heart My Little A-Holes by Karen Alpert
- Berried to the Hilt by Karen McInerney
- The Blue-Ribbon Jalapeno Society by Carolyn Brown
My meal plan for this week includes:
- Chili
- Crock pot brisket/flat iron steak with mashed potatoes
- Hamburgers with fries and salad
- Quesadillas and salad
- Enchiladas with made-from-scratch red sauce (a first attempt) and lime rice
- Burrito bowls with all the fixin's - like Qdoba
- Lindsay's lime chicken with mashed potatoes and beets
- Spaghetti and salad
There are eight menu ideas and we probably won't use three or four of them. I always have a few other ideas in mind for quick and easy dinners, like grilled cheese and tomato soup, leftovers, or breakfast. I will make chili but we might not eat it for dinner - it will be lunches or part of snacks. Speaking of breakfast, we have to have plans for that now too, seeing as we all eat breakfast at different times and all of us on the run.
- Rob eats granola bars or yogurt
- Lindsay has whatever I fix her - waffle egg sandwiches, yogurt, oatmeal... she eats in the car so it's never really messy
- I could have a sit down breakfast because I don't have to be at work until much later than the others, but I rarely do. I also don't really get hungry until after I've been at work for an hour or so. I try to take berries and yogurt, cheese and crackers, or even cereal with me. Sometimes I manage to choke down something on my way to work, but if I'm not hungry, it's a lost cause.
And then there's lunch. I used to be much more organized with lunches, especially when I was packing Lindsay's for her every day. Now I'm hit and miss and often end up buying mine, which neither makes me feel good physically, but is painful in the pocketbook.
- Rob packs his lunch nearly every day. He makes sandwiches, salads, or packs leftovers. Sometimes we buy him microwave dinners but that's not often anymore.
- Lindsay eats school lunch. I used to pack her something almost every day, but she decided she liked school lunch better. That's depressing.
- I can take leftovers or salads, but I like to have random stuff - cheese and crackers, jello, tea, and fruit. Or maybe cup of soup (but not the noodle stuff, I like cream of potato and split pea that you make with hot water), salad and water. If I remember when I'm shopping, I'll buy hummus and pretzel crisps, tangerines, and cheese. See, random.
Well, that relieved some stress. I had forgotten how much I like to write, even if it is bullet point lists about food and tips to quit smoking with a snarky attitude.
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