So Tired!

I am exhausted.  I'm not sleeping well and the eyestrain from seeing clients via a telehealth platform is painful.  I have more headache and neckaches than I've had in years.  I've been trying to eat regularly, keep water near me all the time (and drink it), and I've been trying to do fun things so I don't feel like every Monday - Thursday is hell.

I've bought several fun movies on Prime and Xfinity.  I've been reading about cruises and watching YouTube videos from the ship we're sailing on...  wait, I didn't mention.  We're going on a cruise!!!!!  It's in two years so we have time to pay for it.

Not only am I not sleeping much, I have nightmares.  Last night I dreamed that randomly the whole world just lost the oxygen and we all were suffocated for a short time, and then we could breathe...  like we were some gigantic toy or experiment because it kept happening!  So I'm stressed in my sleep and stressed when I'm awake...  never ending cycle.  Fun story to tell my therapist, right?

Irritated!

Every little thing bothers me.  I think I am also bothering other people, or I'm somehow also concerned with how others see me. 

I think in this time we are denying ourselves rest and relaxation, struggling to set work and home life balance, and have changed our routine's to the extent of losing out on activities we previously enjoyed. 

For example, I used to have a (nearly) one hour commute to work and I would listen to audiobooks during that time since reading has become more difficult with my diminishing attention span.  That meant I got to listen to over an hour of entertainment and lose myself in a story.  It also meant that I had a built in transition to and from work.  I also shifted my expectations of myself and my behavior, it helped guide my meal and snack times. 

Nothing seems normal right now and that has a cascade effect on our ability to cope.

Observing and Describing

Things I'm noticing:

• I'm eating a little better/more predictability...  therefore, I feel a little better.
• I'm drinking more alcohol; two drinks a night for the last three days.  Not sure I like how I feel.
• I'm not sleeping well.  I wake often and stay awake for much longer.  I had a nightmare/uncomfortable dream last weekend.
• My motivation comes and goes, it's not predictable at all. 

It's funny how observing or noticing is one of the skills I teach to clients but rarely use unless I'm working on actively providing psychoeducation.  I think the core mindfulness techniques of DBT are fabulous... if you use them.  Observing and describing without judgment is hard, I want so much to be different, more, better, weigh less, produce more....  JUDGMENT!  Recognizing the judgment and not judging it is hard too.

Gratitude

• I have a kick ass therapist of my own who is working through this time.  Thank God!
• I have an amazing team of coworkers, a boss who appreciates me for my talents and who I am, not my ability to produce or for getting it right all the time.

Too much connection?

Is there such a thing as too much connection?  I think we need more space or we're going to end up divorced by the end of summer.  We irritate each other.  We annoy.  We say things we don't mean or hear things as judgment.

We need space!

I'm trying to get outside every day and to notice things for which I am grateful every day.  I want to be on social media less, connect with people more, and find humor in life again.

Gratitude:

• I can get my home office back!
• The weather has been so nice and with all this at home time, we're going to plant more veggies in the garden.
• ....

crickets

It's been a long time

I've been doing a lot of reading about coping with COVID-19 and one of the ideas that keeps showing up is journaling or writing about the experience.  What better place than this to keep a record of my experience.

On the 13th of March everyone at my office was told we would be working from home until April 17, in following the local school district.  That weekend, I went into the office to get my planner and a couple of books I had left behind, most of which I didn't think I'd need or didn't consider needing for the coming month.  A few days ago, we heard that we were closed until the end of May...  two more months.  I left my little zebra succulent on my desk at work, I have books there I feel like would be helpful, I want some damn fidget toys! 

As much as I'd like to believe I'm settling into this different experience, I suppose part of me is freaking out and wondering what will happen or when this will end.  I only have 12 clients this week and I've been keeping an average of 16 during this time.  I don't want to go hunt anyone down, I don't want to make calls to fill those slots, I just want a rest.  Working through telehealth feels like 10 times the work and I just want to go outside and be lazy.

Gratitude:

• I CAN work from home.  Rob CAN work from home.  We're still making the money we need to survive.
• I get outside more than I did before.  
• I'm eating breakfast.