More Dinner Ideas

My ability to come up with ideas for dinner has waned over the last few years.  I literally make the same four or five things every week, with something new thrown in ever few weeks - something which never returns for whatever reason.

A few years ago, I made quesadillas on the grill.  They were fabulous, but more work than I was interested in.  Yeah, I'm lazy.  Actually, it may just be that our grill isn't all that convenient.  I think ease of use in the kitchen or wherever you prep or cook food is a huge factor in what you're willing to make.  

ANYWHOOOO....  Quesadillas.  That's a dinner I want to make soon.  Maybe I'll even try them on the grill.  I think they might even be great as a way to use up leftovers.

Just a thought.  Random, of course.

Meal Plan - June 1 - 7

Eating out of our pantry and deep freeze this week, mostly anyway.  

• Spaghetti and meatballs - I don't make sauce from scratch anymore, I just don't have the time.  I use Classico which is very good, my favorite is mushroom and ripe olive.  The meatballs are from Target, I've never made them from scratch.
• Burrito's - We bought some great green chili with turkey at the farmers market today.  These burrito's are nothing special, seasoned ground beef, lime rice, seasoned black beans, shredded lettuce, Herdez salsa (LOVE this stuff), sour cream, cheese, guacamole, and tortillas (I just put everything in a bowl).
• Burgers and fries - Discovered an amazing condiment combination for burgers, bratwurst, and hotdogs...  banana peppers and mustard.  YUM!
• Tex-Mex Chicken - I think I'm going to put this in a crock pot and then use it for chicken tacos like last week.  
• Breakfast - eggs, hashed browns, toast, sausage.  Pretty simple.  
• Slop - Didn't make this last week.  It's basically just ground beef, sour cream, and cream of mushroom soup over rice.
• Chili and Baked Potatoes - I've got chili in the freezer and huge baking potatoes.  Figure I should use them up.

We went to the farmers market and while we were out, stopped at the grocery store for a few missing pieces.  I didn't think we were going to, but we didn't spend much.  While we were there, we picked up a couple of movies from Redbox - Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters and We're the Millers.

Lindsay is with my sister-in-law this weekend, so we're on our own.  She'll be home tomorrow and we'll begin our summer with walks on trails (if they're not all flooded by the Poudre River), movie marathons, and hopefully some picnics in the mountains.

Tex-Mex Chicken

Oh, I wish I could make this recipe this week.  I'm not going grocery shopping though, eating out of our freezer for the next six days, but it's going to be on the list for next week, for sure!

Tex-Mex Chicken

4 Boneless chicken breasts
1 cup favorite salsa
1/3 cup shredded cheese
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp garlic
1 tsp chili powder
1 tsp basil
1 tsp oregano
1 diced green bell pepper
1 diced red bell pepper
1 tsp lime juice
salt and pepper to taste

In a bowl, mix the salsa, olive oil, garlic, chili powder, basil, oregano, and lime juice.  Place the chicken and diced peppers in the mixture, cover and marinate in the refrigerator 8 hours or overnight.

Place one chicken breast in a foil packet with about 1/4 of the marinade, doing the same for each one.  Seal the foil packet, and bake at 350 for about 40 minutes.

Use caution when opening the packet, it will steam quite a bit.  Sprinkle with cheese before serving.

You could cut the chicken into pieces before placing in the marinade in order to have the flavor more evenly distributed.

Serve with or over rice and beans, and even calico corn.  Add sour cream, avocado slices or guacamole, and more salsa if desired.  This can be a sort of chicken burrito bowl.

(Image from eHow: How to Make Foil Wrapped Salsa Chicken) 

Zucchini Parmesan

I found this recipe in a magazine on Self Care that appears to have gone out of business.  I can't seem to find anything quite like it online so once again I'm typing something up to pin it.

Zucchini Parmesan

Slice whole zucchini in half lengthwise.  Slice a tiny bit off the bottom so it will lay flat on a greased jelly roll pan or other oven proof dish of appropriate size.  Brush the tops of the zucchini with olive oil and top with garlic or garlic powder.  Top with sliced tomatoes, salt, and pepper (to taste).  Bake at 375 for 20 to 30 minutes, or until soft, sprinkling shredded mozzarella and parmesan cheese during the last 10 minutes of cooking so the cheese melts but does not burn.  You can mix the cheese with a small amount of breadcrumbs or panko if you would like to add some texture to the dish.

(Image from  The Zucchini Diaries)

The image was as close as I could come to the recipe.  

Teenagers

I LUUUUUUUVE me some teenagers.  Girls, really.  I love the anger that comes off of them in waves, the snide comments, the one or two word responses...  you know, the typical teenage girl.  Everything in her life is just horrible, she's lived through awful things, and she will never recover because people who struggle like she has just don't ever live normal lives!  (facepalm)  How dare I say anything about distracting herself when she gets sad/frustrated or going to spend time with a friend, because nothing will help - certainly not her mother!

Sigh...

I am trying to learn, very quickly, not to let her anger hurt me.  I need thicker skin, STAT!

The other super-cool thing that happens in our house is that we have no idea when she'll get angry, withdrawn, snap at us, or just be generally unlikable.  Don't get me wrong, I love and adore her, but some days I just want it to be peaceful.  Those are generally the days that are anything but.  It's three minutes till eight right now, and the angry one could emerge at any moment.  She was here this morning - woke up like that - but was fine when she got home from school.  Yesterday she was fine in the morning but something set her off around 7:30 so I'm kind of on edge here.

I'm trying to remember that many teen girls go through this, dare I say all of them?  Nah, there have to be a few who are a breeze to raise, who don't challenge their parents authority, and who go to all their classes and do their homework...  right?  Well, I wasn't one of those, but I bet they exist.  So if there are a tremendous number of girls who challenge their parents, why aren't they talking?  Or are they like me, afraid to share the details with the world and have kept their posts in draft?  Someday, when we're past this maybe, I'll share.  Until then, this is for my eyes.  Damn you Blogger, for not having a password function for individual posts!

Meal Plan

Something normal in a month that's far from normal.

The theme this week is simple.  I have no energy and no motivation.

• Beef Taco's - had these last night. 
• Chicken Taco's - soft taco's, later this week so it doesn't seem like a repeat. Chicken with spices (a package of chicken taco seasoning) in the crockpot all day.  Served with rice and black beans. Maybe Tuesday because it'll be ready when we walk in the door, basically.
• Breakfast for dinner - eggs, sausage, hashed browns, toast.
• Burgers and salad
• Burrito bowl's - ground beef, black beans, lettuce, salsa, avocado, etc. with chips and queso...  like Qdoba.  Geeze, that's gonna seem like I'm overdoing the Mexican stuff...  oh well.
• Slop - our family's version of a lazy meal.  Ground beef, sour cream, cream of mushroom, salt and pepper over rice or mashed potatoes.

I could also make:

• Meatloaf with mashed potatoes and green beans.
• Lime chicken - chicken breasts, lime juice, egg wash, bread crumbs or panko. With mashed potatoes.
• Chili with cheese, sour cream, crackers.

Nice to have other ideas sometimes.  I have lots of Mexican food ideas, but not much creativity for anything else.  I bought couscous but I have no idea what I was going to use it for or make it with.  It could be lunches - I'll have to look for ideas on Allrecipes.  I have Gorgonzola broccoli in the freezer that I could mix with the couscous.  There's one lunch.  We have leftovers from this week - penne, vodka sauce, mozzerella, parm, sauteed chicken and mushrooms - it was delish for dinner.

I think tonight will be burgers and salad.  I wish I had thought to buy french fried or tater tots, but no.

Can I do anything right?

Teenagers can really kill your self esteem, your belief in your skills, and shake the very foundations of everything you think you know about parenting.  Fuck me, this is hard.  I have never felt so incompetent in my life.  I think part of the reason I've been writing is because it's one of the things I feel like I do well, even if I'm not proofing or concerned with my punctuation.

My failures

I'm really struggling with being enough right now. Enough mom, enough adult, enough wife... I feel like I'm in a tug of war for my own identity.  Am I any good at any of these?  What is that saying, jack of all trades, master of none?  But have I even begun to scratch the surface of enough?

I'm told by "experts" and magazine articles that I'm not supposed to tell my daughter how smart and capable she is, but to point out how she is smart and capable.  Have I been doing it wrong this whole time?  She is smart, though now she's behind in school because she simply didn't pay attention in school and didn't care.  I bet she still scores in the high range of proficient on the TCAP in almost everything like she has in years past.  I feel like she needs to hear that we believe in her intelligence, that it exists within her.  Finding examples to illustrate her intelligence right now is a struggle because she's done so poorly for so long.  I don't want to create a little monster, but I can't have her believing the worst of herself either.  Sigh...  parenting can be a setup for failure, or that's how it feels.
  
Anyway, I guess telling a kid they are smart is considered detrimental now - it creates self esteem with nothing but air to back it up.  When I was a kid we were just expected to do well, to get good grades, to perform, and I was rarely congratulated for good grades.  I didn't know I was even allowed to fail; it was just my job to do well and when I didn't for whatever reason, I felt as though I had become a disappointment to those around me.  I couldn't have cared less about getting good grades, I just wanted to pass.  Never having anyone tell me they believed in me, that they thought I was smart, left me believing that I wasn't capable of much.  Add to that getting pregnant as a teen, and well, I believed every stereotype about stupid teen girls.  

I am also the enemy to my daughter now.  I was stupid before, now I'm stupid, clueless, heartless, and an iron beast with no sense of justice.  Try that one on for size.  I can hardly function because of the tears in my eyes and lump in my throat.  I have told her for a few years now that I'm not her friend, I'm her mother but I never felt like I was a horrible mother.  I know I need to grow thicker skin, but it's painful and I don't like it.  Imagine me stomping my feet and throwing a little temper tantrum there.

And that's where I start to feel as though I'm not enough of an adult.  Do adults throw temper tantrums?  Do they cry at the drop of a hat?  Do they struggle to keep the bathroom and kitchen clean?  Is laundry their nemesis?  Geeze, this adult stuff is a load of BS; I want off the ride.  Twelve years old sounds great - middle school, washing dishes and keeping my bedroom clean, playing with friends, having sleepovers, birthday parties, learning to cook and playing with dolls.  I was on the verge of adulthood without a lot of the adult concerns.  But I'm an adult with adult responsibilities.  I can't call in sick to work because I can't afford to lose any pay, I can't cancel all of my clients because I'm struggling with being a mom, I can't go on a shopping "spree" to buy all of the things we need because I wouldn't be able to pay the bills when I was done.  So I just suck it up and go to work, but I daydream about a vacation, about zero responsibilities, of having all my children grown because I don't know how to handle the here and now.  

What it's like to let someone else do the driving

I had never experienced what it's like to have a child admitted to an inpatient facility... until Tuesday night that is.  It doesn't feel good, lets start with that.  Being that I'm a control freak, the fact that no one at the facility feels the need to give me any real information about my daughter is frustrating at best, but really it's just infuriating.  

I gave them my daughter and while she seems cared for (Rob and I saw her when we dropped of clothes), I know nothing about what's going on, nothing I was told the first night has happened (as far as I can tell), and I'm in the dark - a place I do not like.

When we saw her last night, she was happy, smiling and laughing, mostly about the fact that I'd brought her clothes.  And chap-stick.  And shampoo.  She didn't seem bothered to be there, said she'd done chores (dishes - by hand y'all!) and said since we'd come she didn't have to call us.  She quickly followed that with, "But I wasn't going to call you anyway."  Gut punch.

So how do I live with this?  Rob says I need to stop thinking like a therapist and start feeling like a mom.  Yeah, I know.  If I let myself just feel like a mom, I'd be home in bed curled up in a ball crying, eating ice cream, smoking my damn brains out, and getting drunk.  Yes, I can do all of those things curled up in a ball, try me.  I had to put some therapist in there so I could function.  She'll be okay, they're taking care of her, she is there to get better, this is what she needs, this isn't about what I need.  The mom part says, I want my baby at home, she's being manipulative, I'm a failure at being a mother, what could I have done differently, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED AND WHAT IS GOING ON?!  It was all I could do not to buy cigarettes yesterday.  I even dreamed about smoking.  

I had a tough day yesterday, as did Rob.  I sat at work, crying occasionally, knowing I didn't want to talk about it with anyone.  Today, it is all I can do to sit here and be even halfway present.  I can't take time off work, and at this point, I only have six hours of work until the weekend.  I have a client tonight and a group tomorrow, but I can focus on those responsibilities easier because I am actively engaged the entire time.  Sitting at a desk in an empty office isn't the same.

(After lunch)
I finally had a release; I spoke to a friend about what was happening and how I'm feeling about it.  I also had the opportunity to accept the flow of the things that will happen, meetings, family sessions, phone calls, her progress and eventual release.  Yesterday I was frustrated because they called Rob's number to get in touch with us (worst plan ever), left a message that he didn't get for six hours, and wanted to schedule an appointment for a day that it appears the therapist isn't even available (according to her voicemail).  So basically, whether I accept it or not, I'm not in control so why not just sit back and let someone else do the driving for a change.  Those are the hardest words EVER.

Since this became a thing (a term I've picked up from my daughter and the girls I work with), I've wondered when and how, or if I bring it up to my supervisor.  Past experience tells me that I have to disclose it to her.  Because I'm having such a hard time regulating my own emotional responses and having trouble figuring out if it's okay to be a basket case verses a solid rock (I know the answer is somewhere in the middle, duh) I don't know how to bring it up to her.  I suppose if I see her tonight I'll just tell her.  Awkward!  But whatever.

My inner optimist tells me that this is good experience for relating to future client parents.  The snarky me says, fuck that and who gives a flying fuck!?  A friend said to me that Rob and I might look at this as a much needed break, but it doesn't feel like that's right, or even should be right.  While I did sleep in this morning, sheer exhaustion will do that to you, I'm worried about her every moment, more than before.  And now my weekend is going to be taken up with this so there will be no rejuvenation for the coming week, no relaxation after a hard week, just worry about her, family counseling sessions, and a miserable Mother's Day.  Happy Effing Mothers Day to me.  

Food is normally my friend; I'd say we're too close sometimes.  I have a hard time eating right now and nothing sounds or tastes good.  After dropping off Lindsay's clothes last night, Rob drove me back to my car (long, unimportant story) and then asked if we should just get dinner at Country Buffet.  While it isn't my favorite restaurant, far from it in fact, the idea of going right home was unappealing and not having to cook was a relief.  I got some roast beef, mashed potatoes, and a slice of pizza.  Weird.  Whatever, get over it.  I could hardly choke down anything because it felt like my throat was swollen.  We spent over $30 for the two of us to eat food we couldn't taste and sit in silence for the better part of 30 or 40 minutes.  We could have gone to McDonald's for a third of that and been just as satisfied.

I realize that I've been trying to raise a well rounded child.  Education is important to us, doing your best and not making excuses.  That goes for many things, like how we expect our children to treat others, what attention they pay to their responsibilities (school, chores, family) and above all, themselves.  We thought it was important to give our kids control of their bodies very early.  By that I mean that if they wanted to go to the doctor, they should tell us, or if they had concerns about something, they should ask rather than wait for an adult to bring it to their attention.  Lindsay is a part of the ME generation, where everything in life should be handed over and that she is the center of the universe.  Or so she thinks.  We didn't put her there, her friends did.  So now that she's in an inpatient facility, she believes it's okay to be totally selfish as long as it aligns with the facilities rules, which I'm sure it does.  

For a long time she has had no consideration for the feelings of others, no idea what this is doing to us financially or emotionally, and I'm sure she's looking forward to the vacation from home/responsibilities/school/parents and when she gets home she's going to expect things to be the same.  It's not going to be the same.  I'm shutting down her FB account (she's being bullied on social media and complains but won't really do anything about it - getting out of groups, unfriending people, not engaging, reporting, blocking, etc.).  Basically, we're trying to protect her this way, but that's not how she'll see it.  I will never hear the end of it.  Also, we're not going to let her sit in her room all the time.  She'll have to be in the living room with us and eat dinner with us every night.  I think I'm going to have to find some activities for her this summer, but I'll be damned if I know how I'll pay for it.  I will keep her with me on Monday's, take her to the counseling office if I have a client, and do things with her that day.  The other days will be the struggle.

Realization!  Well, not like right now, but within the past day or so....  I'm being selfish.  Not the stomp my feet, I want it my way (well, maybe just a little), but more in the I wish I had been more in the loop, I wish my daughter would have confided in me more, I hate that so many other people were right while I though they were wrong because I didn't have all the information.  That's it right there.  I don't like being in the damn dark!  Sigh...  Let someone else do the driving right now.  Maybe that's my new mantra.  I'm not sure it can overtake the fear of the unknown, of the dark.

Let someone else do the driving right now. 

But I like to be in control.
Let someone else do the driving right now. 

I want to know when we're leaving, where we're going, and when we'll get there.
Let someone else do the driving right now. 

My phone is silent and it's making me crazy.
Let someone else do the driving right now.

This is exhausting; why can't everything be like it was?
Let someone else do the driving right now. 

I don't like the dark.
Let someone else do the driving right now.  

I'm scared.
Let someone else do the driving right now. 

I was isolating before, now I've refused to let the world in and think they're all a bunch of fucking assholes anyway.  Go figure.  I did talk to a friend, but she's the least judgmental, sweetest human being I have ever met, and I was on the phone with her Tuesday when Lindsay's counselor called so she knew something was up.  I have been ignoring calls and letting them go to voicemail, I cringe when I listen to the messages, and dread getting a text.  Tonight I'll go home after meeting with my client (assuming the facility therapist doesn't want to meet with us at 5:45 or 6) and spend the entire evening alone because Rob is going to darts playoffs tonight.  He needs to do something, he's balled up all of his stress and is at risk of having a stroke if he doesn't find a way to reduce his tension.  I have no idea what I'll do with myself; normally I make dinner and watch a movie with Lindsay.  Jesus!  Is this what it's going to be like when she's out of the house?  Are we going to isolate and withdraw util we have no support network to depend on?  Well fuck.  So tonight I'll try to read.  Yalom probably won't hold my attention and Catching Fire will be only slightly more useful.  I'll stare at FB, scrolling without seeing, refreshing and doing the same over and over and over and over again.  This doesn't feel like a FB status update, so I'm not going to find support there.  The whole time I'm trying to occupy myself I'll check my email endlessly, waiting for who knows what, while going through the cable menu over and over again, hoping something new shows up.

When I've done all of those things 15 or 20 times, I'll roll over in bed, close my eyes, and cry myself to sleep.  My words here feel like they have power to help, and then I lose that power and fall into despair.  I am not a shining example of good mental health or successful coping skills.

My evening awaits.

Coping Tools and Tips for Quitting

Not smoking sucks.  And it's great.  Some of the tips I found online that I thought would work were:

• Find a friend to quit with.  (That's not gonna happen.)
• Manage stress.  (HAHAHAHAHA...  right!)
• Clean house.  (OMG, stop!  You're killing me!)
• Detail your car.  (Now its getting ridiculous.)
• Relax fully.  (Yeah, whatever.)
• Know why you want to quit.  (But I DON'T!!!)

So basically, I was frustrated beyond belief and very few coping mechanisms worked for me.  I guess I did journal, kind of.  I'm writing here and that's something.  I seem to have lost my e-cig, another helpful tool.  One suggestion that has had a negative impact on my life while helping me to make it 45 days without a cigarette, is to avoid situations with might trigger a lapse...  talking to my friends on the phone.  I would wander around outside and talk on the phone while smoking.   I may be repeating myself, but this has had a huge impact on me.  I find that I'm isolating a LOT.  My mom called tonight to see if I was still alive.  I haven't talked to her in forever - well, a little over 45 days.

Things that helped - without the sarcasm?  I'll try.

• Eat more fruits and veggies.  I'm on a berry kick.  I always have strawberries in my house and I've found an awesome salad that I can't get enough of - chopped romaine, chopped pecans, quartered strawberries, crumbled bacon, blue cheese, and balsamic vinaigrette.  I have fewer cravings for junk food, except maybe soda but I don't keep it in the house and end up drinking water.
• Do it for your health.  I'm waiting for more of those awesome benefits to kick in, like less shortness of breath.  But mainly I'm looking forward to living longer - I hope.
• Choose your reward.  While I haven't found a reward, I think this is worth putting a little energy into.  What would I use all that money I've saved on?  Well, right now I'm spending it on bills, and it's going to have to stay that way for awhile.
• To be honest, Managing stress is worth putting energy into as well, it just seems like a joke these days.  Some helpful hints to reduce stress.
• Avoid stressful situations.
• Regular massages.
•  Listen to relaxing music.
• Try yoga.
• Deep breathing.
• Distracting!  This is a fantastic tool for coping.  The list I've been looking at suggest coming up with my own list of "101 things to do instead of smoking" and would you believe...?  There exists just such a list online, though coming up with your own is likely more useful.  If you want a place to start, look here.
• Get moving.  I'm a huge baby about cold/inclement weather, so this is something I haven't been able to do yet.  Lindsay and I are going to start walking soon.  We used to do it all the time, but our schedules are crazy...  You like my excuses?  We're going to start, at the end of the month.
• Try and try again.  If I lapse and have a cigarette or (God forbid) buy a pack, I'll start over.  
• That last one reminds me of one of my most effecting coping tools...  When I want a cigarette, I imagine how my lungs will feel if I do smoke.  Awful, they'll feel terrible and I don't want to feel like that again.

Now that I've made quitting sound like tons of hard and terrible work, let me just say that I don't think about it too much.  I used to think about it a lot, even when I wouldn't have normally been smoking.  Now I think about it only occasionally: when a friend calls, checking out at Walgreens, and driving home from work on Friday evenings.

I'd like to do things that make me feel normal this summer...  read, relax among the sunflowers out back, drink some wine on a lazy weekend afternoon, and meal plan like I used to.  I started a few good books, yes I said a few.  

• The Gift of Therapy by Irvin Yalom
• Catching Fire to be immediately followed by  Mockingjay.  I read the Hunger Games a couple of years ago, but never finished the trilogy and didn't watch the movies until last week and now I have to read the rest.  
• One Second After by William R. Forstchen
• I Thought it was Just Me (But it Isn't) by Brene Brown
• I Heart My Little A-Holes by Karen Alpert
• Berried to the Hilt by Karen McInerney
• The Blue-Ribbon Jalapeno Society by Carolyn Brown

My meal plan for this week includes:

• Chili 
• Crock pot brisket/flat iron steak with mashed potatoes
• Hamburgers with fries and salad
• Quesadillas and salad
• Enchiladas with made-from-scratch red sauce (a first attempt) and lime rice
• Burrito bowls with all the fixin's - like Qdoba
• Lindsay's lime chicken with mashed potatoes and beets
• Spaghetti and salad

There are eight menu ideas and we probably won't use three or four of them.  I always have a few other ideas in mind for quick and easy dinners, like grilled cheese and tomato soup, leftovers, or breakfast. I will make chili but we might not eat it for dinner - it will be lunches or part of snacks.  Speaking of breakfast, we have to have plans for that now too, seeing as we all eat breakfast at different times and all of us on the run.  

• Rob eats granola bars or yogurt
• Lindsay has whatever I fix her - waffle egg sandwiches, yogurt, oatmeal...  she eats in the car so it's never really messy
• I could have a sit down breakfast because I don't have to be at work until much later than the others, but I rarely do.  I also don't really get hungry until after I've been at work for an hour or so.  I try to take berries and yogurt, cheese and crackers, or even cereal with me.  Sometimes I manage to choke down something on my way to work, but if I'm not hungry, it's a lost cause.

And then there's lunch.  I used to be much more organized with lunches, especially when I was packing Lindsay's for her every day.  Now I'm hit and miss and often end up buying mine, which neither makes me feel good physically, but is painful in the pocketbook.  

• Rob packs his lunch nearly every day.  He makes sandwiches, salads, or packs leftovers.  Sometimes we buy him microwave dinners but that's not often anymore.
• Lindsay eats school lunch.  I used to pack her something almost every day, but she decided she liked school lunch better.  That's depressing.
• I can take leftovers or salads, but I like to have random stuff - cheese and crackers, jello, tea, and fruit.  Or maybe cup of soup (but not the noodle stuff, I like cream of potato and split pea that you make with hot water), salad and water.  If I remember when I'm shopping, I'll buy hummus and pretzel crisps, tangerines, and cheese.  See, random.  

Well, that relieved some stress.  I had forgotten how much I like to write, even if it is bullet point lists about food and tips to quit smoking with a snarky attitude.

The Temptation of the Gas Station

While running my daughter to an appointment, I remembered that my fuel light had come on earlier in the day and I had been ignoring it...  and I wasn't going to get too far unless I did something about it.  There was a very convenient gas station on our route so I pulled in and began pumping gas.  While I waited in the bitter cold wind we're getting here in Northern Colorado, I looked up at the tiny station.  For a brief moment, I considered going in and buying a pack of cigarettes.

The thought came out of nowhere.  Did I want a cigarette right then?  No, but I think I bought a pack from here once or twice.  It's been 38 days and I'm having almost no cravings at all.  To be fair, I'm still avoiding situations.  I haven't talked on the phone to the friends who smoke (I will know what they're doing), I haven't even thought of going to the bar with my husband (he plays darts), and I haven't talked to friends on my lunch hour at work.  I'm isolating a little, but I'm also finding out what non-smokers do with their evenings and lunch hours.

I still don't notice any difference in my smell and taste.  Allergy season is kicking into high gear, which might account for the lack of improvement there, as well as the continuous feeling of congestion.  I'm really looking forward to this time next year when the shortness of breath is gone.  I bet allergy season isn't such a bear then!

When the weather improves, Lindsay and I are going to start walking again.  I think the exercise will also improve the way I feel.  For now, I'm less pissy than I have been and am starting to find some benefit to this healthy choice - finally.   I've saved $112 by not smoking 380 cigarettes.

One of *THOSE* weeks

Yeah, the weeks that make you want to curl up in a ball and cry, that leave you feeling vulnerable and weak.  And I lived through it...  without smoking.

I'm shocked, really.  I did a couple of things I was worried about.  First, I talked on the phone with a couple of friends.  I wandered around just like I would have done when I was smoking, but without a cigarette.  It was only a little strange to not light up, and it was fine.  The second thing was to drive a distance (rather than just around town or to school) and I still didn't smoke.  Might have had a little to do with the drives being in the morning, but whatever.  I didn't smoke.

I also told everyone.  I told my SIL a few weeks ago and she brought it up at Easter so all of my in-laws know.  I also "told" everyone I know on FB.  I've been posting a number for each day I'm smoke-free.  Yesterday I posted a No Smoking symbol with a 31 on top of it.  Everybody knows now so I will disappoint a bunch of people if I start again.  I don't want to start again.  I haven't smoked 316 cigarettes and I've saved around $100.  I'm hoping I start to feel that money saved.  :)

No idea what's got me this far.  Maybe it's stubborn determination?  I guess I don't care.  My husband and I are now smoke free and someday I won't be pissy about it.

Nope...

Still not smoking...  still pissy about it.  I haven't talked to friends on the phone in quite some time since that is one of my triggers.  The good news is that I have more time and I'm being slightly more productive with that time.  I've done homework, watched movies with my husband, and even done some cleaning.  I know, shocking right?!

Friday night I got a call from a Colorado QuitLine coach.  She was pretty helpful, had great tips, and helped me to clarify some of my coping mechanisms and why I quit.  I'm supposed to get another call in about three weeks.

Biggest struggles:

• Gaining weight - I swore I wouldn't eat mindlessly or to replace smoking, but that has not been the case.  I find myself eating when I'm bored, when I would have been smoking, and for no reason at all.  I have got to get this under control.  
• Feeling disconnected from my friends - I would love to be able to call up my friends, but the risk is just too big right now.  I feel like changing my habits has to come first and then I can start talking to them again.
• Driving home at night - I guess I used that first cigarette at the end of the day (nope, I didn't generally light up until around 4 or 5 in the evening) to let off some stress and I'm kind of lost as to how to blow that stress off right now.  Some days I just hold my ecig between my fingers, some days I have to use it, but mostly I just turn up the radio.  

I'm still holding strong; I haven't had one in 24 days.

Food Whine

I haven't done much cooking lately.  I make food for my family, but it's generally super simple, from Schwans, or out of a box.  I like sandwiches and salads because they're simple.  I've also come to love burrito bowl's, in the spirit of Q-dubs (as my kids call it).  Today being the lazy Saturday that I needed, I didn't make breakfast and needed something easy for lunch.  I had all the makings for Chicken Tortilla Soup, but the hubby doesn't like soup.

I Quit!

Smoking, that is.  It's been two weeks, so I'm not out of the woods yet.  I have had some intense desires to smoke, mostly related to stress or frustration.  I just keep reminding myself that I quit for a reason, that it makes me feel awful, that I wouldn't be able to breathe, that I would smell bad.  I tell myself all kinds of things to keep from buying a pack of cigarettes.

I wanted to quit smoking in January, but then life got crazy and I had excuse after excuse to continue.  Then, two weeks ago I was on the phone with a friend for five hours, smoking the whole time.  Around the time I finished the last cigarette in my pack, we got off the phone.  It was late so I didn't go buy another pack.  The next day was busy all day and forgot to buy a pack.  The next day I made a conscious effort to refrain, followed by another day, and another.

I could say that now was the worst time for me to quit, but that's not true.  Anytime a smoker quits is a great time, if they can make it through.  I joined the Colorado QuitLine and received a bunch of information from them and Anthem a couple days ago, including techniques and ideas to help me be successful.

Let me just say that nothing in this blog post is medical advice, nor do I suggest you make any changes to your life that you are not ready for or before talking to your doctor.  These are just my experiences and some of the information I have come across during my journey.

P - Pick a day to quit smoking

• A birthday, an anniversary, on vacation, a holiday.  I just quit.  No planning, no lead up.  That probably won't work for many people; it's not very realistic, but if the mood strikes, go with it!

L - Let family and friends know I'm quitting

• I didn't tell anyone for several days.  Nobody noticed and I didn't point it out.  I'd say about four days after my last cigarette, I mentioned it to my husband.  He quit about four weeks before I did, and I thought I'd share with him since he wouldn't be judgmental or over encouraging.  That's what I've been avoiding, the over-encouragement from non and former smokers.  I don't feel like it's cause for a parade, nor do I want to hear how "it's about time."  And maybe, just maybe, I don't want to disappoint anyone if I start smoking again.  But that's why you tell people, right?

A - Anticipate the stressors and triggers, and have strategies to cope

• About five days after quitting, I mentioned that I was stressed over quitting to my supervisor, who then began talking about how hard it was for her to quit all those years ago.  She talked about e-cigs that have no nicotine in them.  WHAT?!  I knew about e-cigs, I had tried to use one in their early days, but I had no idea they were making them without nicotine.  I struggle with the behavior of smoking.  I can cope with the nicotine "fits" but not smoking while driving home, or to class, or on my lunch break, or when talking on the phone was almost too much to handle.  On my way home from our meeting, I stopped at Walgreens and bought a disposable zero nicotine e-cig.  It doesn't really replace smoking, but when I'm super stressed and I just need to use the behavior, it's a decent substitute.  
• Some of the coping strategies suggested in the information from QuitLine are avoiding, alternatives, adjusting.
• Avoid people, places, or things that trigger you to smoke.  You might have to stay away from other smokers, where smokers gather, drinking, or places you smoked at home.  For me this is situational, as I mentioned before.
• Make sure you have alternatives to smoking ready.  You can use toothpicks, mints, gum, straws, popsicles, veggies, hard candies, or a water bottle.  I use the e-cig for this.  I have stayed away from eating anything extra because I know food can become my replacement habit.  My choices in gum and mints are limited because of a sensitivity to artificial sweeteners.
• Be willing to adjust your schedule and habits.  You might have to keep busy, work on hobbies, take long walks or exercise another way, or even call a friend.  Go somewhere that doesn't allow smoking or brush your teeth after you eat or when you just really have to have that cigarette.  I had to stop talking on the phone for awhile.  I used to go outside, call a friend, and light up a cigarette.  I'd be outside in the evening for hours, talking to anyone who would answer the phone.  For the past two weeks, I've only talked on the phone at night if it's a business call (A lot of counselors only have evening hours to return calls.  I know, right?)  I haven't really talked to friends and I'm worried about how I'll react when I do make those calls again.  Hopefully, the e-cig continues to be a good substitute.

N - Nicotine addiction medication

• I'm really torn about this one.  I won't receive my first call from the QuitLine coach for another week and they'll talk to me about using the patch or gum and how their use increases the chances that I'll successfully quit.  The thing is, by that time all the nicotine will be out of my system and I don't think I want to reintroduce it.  
• There are some meds that are used for reducing stress that you have to get from your doctor.  Not all medications will be safe for everyone, so be open minded to your doctors suggestions.  If you're planning on quitting, know that research shows that using nicotine medications can double or triple your chances of quitting for good.  

So that was some of the information I was sent.  I also started pinning information and tips for quitting.  I found a great graphic of Quit Tips put out by The Health District of Northern Larimer County.  One of the tips was to keep a journal.  Since I LOVE journaling and I never do it, I thought this was the perfect excuse!

I'm also using an app on my phone called Cessation Nation.  It tracks your quit date, time since you quit, the amount of money you have saved, and the number of cigarettes not smoked, and the amount of time you have saved.  Since I wasn't really a heavy smoker, I've only saved about $40 since I quit.  I have no idea how much my husband and I have saved together!  Good news though, we need that money to pay for medical bills we've racked up over the past couple of months!

Here is what I want to commit to:

1. Not smoking another cigarette.
2. Blogging at least weekly about my progress and tips I find useful.

Research also shows that when you make a verbal or written commitment, you're more likely to follow it.  

The end of November and the Semester

The last nine weeks were overwhelming.  I finished up my internship (and got hired there!  YEA!), had three classes a week, and seemed to work my tail off at the job that pays the bills.  The semester actually ended a week ago, but I had three papers to finish and turn in, then the holiday to prepare for (and enjoy a great deal), and finally some down time yesterday.  I actually took Thursday through Sunday off of everything!

I was so sore the day after Thanksgiving that I spent the majority of my time in bed on the computer.  It hurt to lift my arms, my back was so sore I was hunched over, and the headache...  wow.  Not a migraine, it's been a few weeks since I had one, but it was a killer.  It must be all the wine I drank at Thanksgiving... and the mojito, or two.  We all got to talk to Matt over in Japan while we were at dinner on Thursday.  I called him and then we both got on Google Hangouts.  I can't run Skype on my Chromebook, but Google Hangouts seems to have fewer problems so it was great.  We were on the computer with him, passing it around to everyone who wanted to talk, for three hours.  It was a great day.

So yesterday started out slow, with all those aches, Rob having to get up to leave for work early, and nothing good on television.  By the afternoon, I realized we hadn't done the dishes, taken out the trash, or cleaned up any of the mess that had accumulated while I was too busy to do anything but survive.  

(One of my half written posts that are finding their way to being published, finished or not.)

Week of October 7 Meal Plan

I could totally be on a roll here. (Yeah, right) I made another meal plan - I wrote it down and everything!  I thought I wasn't buying much, but it cost me $131.  Yeesh!  And I shopped my freezer and put in meals we didn't eat last week.  I suppose it was the extras.  Frozen fish was on sale by one, get one and I've been craving it but it's just for lunches and "on your own" nights since Lindsay doesn't like fish.  I had to buy coffee - Starbucks, Medium House Blend (yum) and we were out of hot chocolate, juice, and other random stuff.

Anyway...

• Pot Roast (again) with roasted veggies and mashed potatoes
• Grilled cheese and tomato soup
• Salisbury steaks, mashed potatoes and salad
• Lasagna roll-ups, salad, garlic cheese bread
• Breakfast (love breakfast for dinner - so easy)
• Chili and baked potatoes
• Mac and Cheese casserole - I bought the blue box stuff.  Comfort food.  Mmmmmm

New classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays now.  And I still have a final paper to put together and turn in by Friday midnight.  Not looking forward to it - not that it'll be hard, I just have a lazy streak right now.

Another Meal Plan

My meal plan isn't spectacular, it's just basic food that we like.  I like to make easy food, if it's good for us, well, that's an accident these days.  I just need something filling at the end of the day.  If I don't have something easy to make, sometimes I don't eat.  Lindsay and Rob tend to fin for themselves on those days but I get so overwhelmed that I'll just climb in bed and go to sleep.  Rob and I were talking and we realized that the only day, besides weekends, that we are actually home and eating at a reasonable hour is Friday.  Rob is home late on Monday and Wednesday, I have class on Tuesday and Thursday.  As a matter of fact, I have to take my food for the entire day on Tuesday, and have about 45 minutes at home on Thursday to put together my dinner, which for me is generally leftovers.

This week, Italian food (or something similar) seems to be on the menu a couple of times.  I had to shop my pantry a little because my grocery budget is smaller than usual.

So here's what the week looks like for us.  I think we're having mac and cheese tonight.

• Rotini with Italian sausage, Classico sauce, cottage cheese, mozzarella cheese (a kind of lazy/laid back lasagna pasta), garlic bread and salad
• Roast with veggies (crock pot), mashed potatoes, gravy.
• Macaroni and cheese with ground beef, onions, tomatoes, sour cream, etc.  (taco mac?)  This was going to be the blue box but they were all expired, weird.  I ended up making it from scratch, which is almost as easy as the box.  Rotel tomatoes, purred because Rob and Lindsay don't like chunks of tomato, with Velveeta and shredded cheese melted in it. 
• Rice, black beans, fajita chicken, calico corn, cheese, sour cream, avocado, salsa (a burrito bowl)
• Lasagna rollups, pasta sauce, salad, garlic bread
• Breakfast for dinner - waffles, eggs, sausage or biscuits and gravy with scrambled eggs
• Leftovers

Rob and I take leftovers or sandwiches to work most days.  I think Rob is a little better than I am about actually packing and eating his lunch.  I find myself getting busy or distracted and won't eat, sometimes I skip my breakfast too.  I'm not very good to myself in that way right now.  

Lazy Meal Plan

I actually wrote my meal plan in my planner for the coming week and decided to post it here too.  I like being able to search the Meal Plan label and find out what I haven't made in awhile, what recipes I've ignored forever, and what stands the test of time.  I rarely ever decide what to make for a particular day, I just try to plan for something on the list the night before.

• Chili and grilled cheese
• Meatloaf and mashed potatoes with green beans - prepping and freezing the meatloaf today.
• BBQ shredded chicken sandwiches - cooking away in the crock pot right now.
• Mac N Cheese - the lazy blue box kind because I need at least three easy dinners this week.
• Mexican something with black beans, rice and green chili enchilada sauce.
• Breakfast - eggs, biscuits or hashed browns, bacon
• Tuesday - Leftovers/on-your-own/whatever.  I'm in class so they'll find something.

I'm also making bean dip for lunches this week.  Rob and Lindsay take their lunches every day and I try to as well.  On Tuesdays, I have to take a whole day's worth of meals with me to work since I don't make it home before heading to class from 4 - 10pm.  This week I've planned to take bagel sandwiches, salads, fried rice and egg rolls, and sandwiches.  

The Planner Struggle

I love planners, organizers, blank and lined notebooks, and all kinds of paper, pens, markers, and pencils.  My favorite color these days is purple and I nearly always write in purple ink.  It's just a quirk and it makes me happy.  I have a traditional planner, use a Google calendar, and have an app on my phone as well.

Sometimes work, school, and life require me to find and stick with some sort of planning system.  I've learned that I can't rely on an electronic calendar on my phone because I don't enter everything, I get frustrated, it doesn't sync, or some other technical blunder.   A Google calendar is great, but it's not always available, or the app on my phone frustrates me.  That being said, I've been searching for a planner that I can live with, that has sections I'll use, that helps me track useful information, has just enough room for appointments, and isn't too big.

Enter Pinterest and Google images.  I think I might like Pinterest a little too much.  I pin everything.  I have lots of boards that help me organize information...  food, counseling, girls group, journaling, stuff for the kids, things I want, lunch ideas and adult beverages.  I have 33 boards, one of which is organization and paperwork which doesn't actually help me organize at all - until this last week.  I found a link for a blog post on making your own planner.  Well, I think the idea was to show what she'd done and offer up her pdf to others who might like to print it, but why use someone else's template when she very clearly talks about why she wanted to customize her own.  So that's just what I did.  I jumped on Excel and built my very own planner, except mine is weekly and I accidentally printed so many pages that I have a planner that will last two years.

I'm having a blast with this planner.  I'm compelled to track self care, hours I slept, and my mood as well as things I really enjoy tracking like grocery lists, meal ideas, ideas for working with clients, and things I want to see more/less of in my life.

Here's the link to the planner if you aren't Excel-inclined or like the layout of mine.  The pages are formatted for legal paper and if you print them both sides, you just have to cut down the center.  You can even create your own cover by using whatever images you want, printing on legal paper, then cutting and laminating it.  Don't forget to take it to your local office store and have them spiral bind it for you.  Have fun!