Insomnia

It's a bitch.  I mean really, who wants to be awake at four in the morning after going to bed nearly seven hours earlier?  Nobody, that's who.

I have narrowed the problem down to an ill-timed dose of Excedrin Migraine - note to self, only take that stuff until around two in the afternoon.  Pain later in the day will require Aleve or Advil.

I keep telling myself that I have no new stress or anxiety, but that might not be entirely true.  Rob got a new job today...  wait, yesterday.  It's within the same company and comes with a raise so the "risk" is low, but it is change and I don't do too well with change, of any kind.  So maybe it isn't that he can sleep in an hour later in the morning, or that his paycheck will be a bit bigger, but it could be that he can't take Lindsay to her afternoon appointment during the week or that when school starts again he won't be in a position to pick her up at a reasonable time.  He assures me that he will be able to adjust his schedule when he's done training, but for now it will be change.  

Dinner time will be later, but we will see each other in the morning - I do not currently get up at 5:30 to have chit chat with him, he generally gets a, "Have a good day, I love you," in a sleepy voice as he grabs his cell phone and heads out the door.

There is good news with this transition...  this position will allow him to build experience in a field he has schooling in but lacks the course credits for a degree.  Most companies want a degree or the experience - in a couple of years he'll have one of those, or maybe both if we can get him enrolled in some classes.

And then there is the transition that I have been avoiding for some time.  I will earn my degree soon and will need to transition to a full-time counselor if I am to make use of my degree.  I would like to open a private practice, and I know that might be a dream for a bit.  Regardless, I will need to leave the job I have found security in for the past 15 years.  That is a scary thought.  I have been attending an online private practice conference and today began reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.  So far, both have given me uncomfortable glimpses into the fear that keeps me rooted in mediocrity.  

One of my discoveries (or maybe it's just a willingness to voice it) while listening to Daring Greatly, is that I'm afraid I'm not good enough.  Come on, how many people feel that way sometimes?  Raise your hand; you know you have your moments.  Unless you've done a lot of work, or you are naturally blessed with a fantastic understanding of what you are capable of and above average self-esteem, you have experienced that feeling from time to time.  Me?  I feel like that at least a handful of times every week.  When I'm tired or sick it gets worse.

So why do I feel like I'm not good enough?  Is it because I didn't try very hard in school?  No, that's not it at all.  Is it because I'm lazy and don't do much outside reading?  Uh, I don't think so.  Is it because I'm still working on me and that is showing up for me in different ways?  For now I'm going to have to say, yes.  I don't have any other answers right now, but these feelings of inadequacy will stand in the way of my future if I don't confront them and their source.

Oddly enough, I feel less uncomfortable about myself now that my husband has had an opportunity to move forward in his career.  This is important, but not to be addressed at 4AM.

Yeah, it's after four in the morning.  I fed the cats already!  Good grief.  Good thing I got extra sleep this morning, tomorrow today will be a long day.  I have a nap opportunity this afternoon that I hope I will be able to take advantage of.  Also, I cannot wait to read this when I've had some real sleep - it should be a hoot.