Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Grief and WTAF?

This last six days have been fucking surreal.  Did I say that already?  I'm talking to my mom tonight and realize we're talking about giving away all of my dad's clothes, shoes, and coats.  What the ACTUAL Fuck?  

I was watching Gray's Anatomy today and some guy's dad died.  Perfect viewing material.  Fuck me.  Anyway, he said he couldn't imagine a world where his dad wasn't alive.  Me either!  My life has become small, I'm living in a bubble, and I know I can't stay here forever - I have a job, clients, and a family.   I have bills to pay and responsibilities to attend to.  

I have to figure out how to deal with it, process it, and then begin to put it behind me.  But what did I do yesterday?  I reveled in isolation with my family.  I got angry.  I talked to my mom about giving my dads stuff away and I felt like I was watching a movie.  This can't be real, right?  I have no idea who I'm angry with, I'm just angry sometimes.  It wells up like vomit from the pit of my stomach and fills my whole being with an intense white-hot anger... and then, when I can't figure out who to be angry with, it subsides and I feel empty and alone.

In case you couldn't tell, my dad died.  He took his last breath and his heart stopped beating at 5:55pm on 1/11/15. WTAF?

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