Journaling In The New Year

I would love to be able to journal every day of the year, or write in a beautiful composition notebook (my tastes are simple) every week.  Writing by hand is difficult for me because my hand gets tired, my brain goes way faster than my hand, and my handwriting is just awful.  It's easy to be discouraged about keeping some sort of written record about life.  Facebook and Pinterest are full of awesome hand written, beautifully drawn, expertly colored examples of journals - not one skill of which do I possess.  That's okay, I can write well, I'm funny, and I frankly don't give a crap what anyone else thinks about what I have to journal about.  I can just write here.

The past month or so has been full of accomplishments, heartbreak, anxious moments, progress, holidays, and so much more.  I'm actually overwhelmed with how much our lives have changed in the last four or five weeks.  I completed my masters degree and never have to go back to school again (if I don't want to) - Whoo Hoo!  It really was a huge accomplishment for me.  Not too much later, Rob came home with awesome news too!  He is going to be teaching a class at the local community college.  This is something he's wanted to do for several years now.  What wonderful accomplishments we have had recently, and 2014 as a whole was a pretty fantastic year.  It was full of completed goals, new opportunities, and so much growth!

Speaking of college, Jake wants to go back to school soon, Matt is finishing a class here and there in the Navy, and Lindsay will start at a charter school that offers college classes and about 85% of their students graduate with a high school diploma as well as an Associates Degree when they're done.  How exciting for all of them!  On the down side, because life is never perfect, Jake and Willa separated recently.  They are both in our hearts as they deal with this disappointment.

Matt will make a decision soon about his career in the Navy.  He doesn't know yet what will happen, so we're all just being patient for his decision when the time comes.  Patience!  I know, right?!  I swear, I am being patient!  It's easier than I expected, seriously.

So then there's work.  I'm thinking it's time to give my notice and become a counselor full time.  I have found security in my job over the years, so making this decision was difficult and scary.  Yeah, I am terrified of leaving the security I have had for all these years.  I'm still not sure if I can make enough money as a counselor, but If I don't risk anything, I'll never know.

So 2015 is here!  I'll be writing 2014 on checks and documents for the next three months, but so will you so there is that.  I will receive a transcript soon that states I have earned a Masters degree, leave a job I have both loved and hated for so long, and jump feet first and running into a career that I have been building for the last two and a half years.

I'm not one to make resolutions - I've said that before - so I'm setting my sights on intentions...  Intentions are positive change that I intend to bring about.  I'm not fixing something that's broken, I'm creating a positive - so much difference!  It's like the power of positive thinking; put the positive thoughts and intentions out into the universe while working toward these positive goals for change. 

Google Keep.... I think I'll keep you.

There's nothing like a bunch of post-it notes in my drawer, on my desk, in pads, stuck to my computer screen, at the bottom of my purse, or on the kitchen table.  Seriously, I buy all kinds, sizes, shapes, and colors.  I've got them with lines, pictures, washed out backgrounds, and promotional ones that are cooler than hell!  Okay, bad analogy.  

But really, Google Keep is like having a page full of post-it notes you can access on your smart phone, tablet (there's no app for the Nook damnit, but you can view it on Chrome), work computer, home computer, Chromebook, etc.  I keep my grocery list, meal plan, stuff I'm worried about, calls I have to make, and a bunch of things I'm working on to solidify my mission statement for my private practice on individual notes.

For someone who has a fatal attraction to being organized, like me, Google Keep is like pizza to a pothead.  I would know, I live in Colorado.

Thanks to http://www.techradar.com/ for the awesome pic.

  

Judgement

That was my focus today, or rather being able to notice judgment and let it go without putting any of myself into it.  It was a little about me recognizing how often I have judgmental thoughts and a lot about freeing myself from the burden of judgement.

Mission accomplished...  well, so far anyway.  I feel as though it's become easier through the day, and it will be easier tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that.  Why didn't I do this earlier?!  Judgement.  Moving on.

By the way, FB is a killer when you're working on being non-judgmental.  Just thought you should know.

Gratitude

I've been thinking about gratitude a lot lately - for the past couple of months in fact.  I think about how we all seem to take the little things in the world for granted, how we focus on the negative, and get stuck in the belief that nothing good ever happens.  Good things, amazing things, happen all the time but we may miss them because they happen every day or they seem insignificant.  They are insignificant because we make them that way.  

Think about the last sunset you saw, or how the sky was pink or orange at dusk.  That beauty happens all of the time, but we may be too busy to notice...  it's amazing when nature presents us with a perfect painting of the sky.  I saw a nearly-full moon the other night, perfectly framed by clouds and a darkening sky.  I reveled in the moment.  

We had a severe hailstorm here a couple days ago.  There were broken windows (both car and house), roofs that were destroyed, cars with massive damage, and some of the most severe water damage I have ever seen in the grocery store down the street.  I have a one-inch crack in the windshield of my car, Rob and Matt's cars have some major hail damage, and our mint and sunflowers are shredded (the mint is already recovering, go figure).  Our roof may have hail damage - we can't tell until we can clean off the vegetation - but it did not leak.  We were so lucky!  I am so grateful that we survived the storm safe (physically, property, emotionally) while some of those around us were not as lucky.  Even our insurance agent had some major damage to her office which isn't covered (flood insurance, yeikes!).

I am grateful that my sons are safe and happy, that my daughter has people she can depend on, and that my husband is more engaged in his job.  Even a small financial setback we will experience over the next two months gives me something to be thankful for - more time with him at home.  Gratitude, as I see it, is a choice - if you make the choice to be grateful, you have the opportunity to be happier, to see more beauty in your life, and to understand that life isn't all bad, it's a mixture of all experiences.

Return to Intuitive Eating

Two years ago I was under so much stress that I had begun to lose weight.  Sure, I was under stress, but I was also busy - rarely was I bored or lonely.  I lost about 20 pounds in the two and a half years after Matt left for the Navy.  I started graduate school the week he left, and a year later I started my internship.  These things were full of stress, but they also changed my focus in life and the amount of time I had to myself.  

No longer did I have time to sit on the couch and eat whatever was available while watching some mindless television.  I was busy with homework, classes, cleaning (while I procrastinated about classes and homework), study groups, clients, internship, work...  the list seemed endless.  I hardly had a moment to myself!  When I could find the time to eat, it was protein because I was concerned about my energy level, fruit because it tasted better than candy or junk food and it was cheaper; my lunches were hummus and veggies, cheese and fruit.  My dinners were salads and a protein (strips of steak, tuna, grilled chicken), and I reduced my caffeine intake.  Soda became all but a distant memory.  I indulged when I had a craving - once a month I just HAVE to get a fountain Pepsi - but I hardly ever buy soda now, and when I do it goes flat.

When I started to have time to myself, large chunks of time that weren't devoted to classes/homework/planning for clients/doing something for internship...  I sat on the couch and munched.  When I was bored, I ate.  When I was worried, I ate.  And lets not forget that I quit smoking...  I ate.  I've gained back nearly 18 pounds in about seven months.  It's depressing.

So when I thought I was losing weight because I was stressed, I was just reverting to intuitive eating.  I ate when I was hungry, I learned what the cues were, and I ate just enough to keep me going.  When I wanted "junk food" I ate it, but it was rare and mostly ate fruit, veggies, and lean/healthy proteins because I like them and they made me feel good.  I don't feel so well now, with the relentless heartburn and upset stomach most of the time.  I need to go back to intuitive eating and find other healthy behaviors to turn to when I'm bored, lonely, tired, stressed, or zoning out to the television.

What I still have to figure out is how to get back to intuitive eating without the stress.  I think I'll start with the eating.  I still have one class left, getting my hands on my transcript with my degree, and then beginning the journey toward licensure.  These things will involve some stress, as do some other personal challenges we're going through at home right now, so my best plan of action is to move myself into a healthier state through the things I can control - and I'm starting with eating.

Coping Tools and Tips for Quitting

Not smoking sucks.  And it's great.  Some of the tips I found online that I thought would work were:

• Find a friend to quit with.  (That's not gonna happen.)
• Manage stress.  (HAHAHAHAHA...  right!)
• Clean house.  (OMG, stop!  You're killing me!)
• Detail your car.  (Now its getting ridiculous.)
• Relax fully.  (Yeah, whatever.)
• Know why you want to quit.  (But I DON'T!!!)

So basically, I was frustrated beyond belief and very few coping mechanisms worked for me.  I guess I did journal, kind of.  I'm writing here and that's something.  I seem to have lost my e-cig, another helpful tool.  One suggestion that has had a negative impact on my life while helping me to make it 45 days without a cigarette, is to avoid situations with might trigger a lapse...  talking to my friends on the phone.  I would wander around outside and talk on the phone while smoking.   I may be repeating myself, but this has had a huge impact on me.  I find that I'm isolating a LOT.  My mom called tonight to see if I was still alive.  I haven't talked to her in forever - well, a little over 45 days.

Things that helped - without the sarcasm?  I'll try.

• Eat more fruits and veggies.  I'm on a berry kick.  I always have strawberries in my house and I've found an awesome salad that I can't get enough of - chopped romaine, chopped pecans, quartered strawberries, crumbled bacon, blue cheese, and balsamic vinaigrette.  I have fewer cravings for junk food, except maybe soda but I don't keep it in the house and end up drinking water.
• Do it for your health.  I'm waiting for more of those awesome benefits to kick in, like less shortness of breath.  But mainly I'm looking forward to living longer - I hope.
• Choose your reward.  While I haven't found a reward, I think this is worth putting a little energy into.  What would I use all that money I've saved on?  Well, right now I'm spending it on bills, and it's going to have to stay that way for awhile.
• To be honest, Managing stress is worth putting energy into as well, it just seems like a joke these days.  Some helpful hints to reduce stress.
• Avoid stressful situations.
• Regular massages.
•  Listen to relaxing music.
• Try yoga.
• Deep breathing.
• Distracting!  This is a fantastic tool for coping.  The list I've been looking at suggest coming up with my own list of "101 things to do instead of smoking" and would you believe...?  There exists just such a list online, though coming up with your own is likely more useful.  If you want a place to start, look here.
• Get moving.  I'm a huge baby about cold/inclement weather, so this is something I haven't been able to do yet.  Lindsay and I are going to start walking soon.  We used to do it all the time, but our schedules are crazy...  You like my excuses?  We're going to start, at the end of the month.
• Try and try again.  If I lapse and have a cigarette or (God forbid) buy a pack, I'll start over.  
• That last one reminds me of one of my most effecting coping tools...  When I want a cigarette, I imagine how my lungs will feel if I do smoke.  Awful, they'll feel terrible and I don't want to feel like that again.

Now that I've made quitting sound like tons of hard and terrible work, let me just say that I don't think about it too much.  I used to think about it a lot, even when I wouldn't have normally been smoking.  Now I think about it only occasionally: when a friend calls, checking out at Walgreens, and driving home from work on Friday evenings.

I'd like to do things that make me feel normal this summer...  read, relax among the sunflowers out back, drink some wine on a lazy weekend afternoon, and meal plan like I used to.  I started a few good books, yes I said a few.  

• The Gift of Therapy by Irvin Yalom
• Catching Fire to be immediately followed by  Mockingjay.  I read the Hunger Games a couple of years ago, but never finished the trilogy and didn't watch the movies until last week and now I have to read the rest.  
• One Second After by William R. Forstchen
• I Thought it was Just Me (But it Isn't) by Brene Brown
• I Heart My Little A-Holes by Karen Alpert
• Berried to the Hilt by Karen McInerney
• The Blue-Ribbon Jalapeno Society by Carolyn Brown

My meal plan for this week includes:

• Chili 
• Crock pot brisket/flat iron steak with mashed potatoes
• Hamburgers with fries and salad
• Quesadillas and salad
• Enchiladas with made-from-scratch red sauce (a first attempt) and lime rice
• Burrito bowls with all the fixin's - like Qdoba
• Lindsay's lime chicken with mashed potatoes and beets
• Spaghetti and salad

There are eight menu ideas and we probably won't use three or four of them.  I always have a few other ideas in mind for quick and easy dinners, like grilled cheese and tomato soup, leftovers, or breakfast. I will make chili but we might not eat it for dinner - it will be lunches or part of snacks.  Speaking of breakfast, we have to have plans for that now too, seeing as we all eat breakfast at different times and all of us on the run.  

• Rob eats granola bars or yogurt
• Lindsay has whatever I fix her - waffle egg sandwiches, yogurt, oatmeal...  she eats in the car so it's never really messy
• I could have a sit down breakfast because I don't have to be at work until much later than the others, but I rarely do.  I also don't really get hungry until after I've been at work for an hour or so.  I try to take berries and yogurt, cheese and crackers, or even cereal with me.  Sometimes I manage to choke down something on my way to work, but if I'm not hungry, it's a lost cause.

And then there's lunch.  I used to be much more organized with lunches, especially when I was packing Lindsay's for her every day.  Now I'm hit and miss and often end up buying mine, which neither makes me feel good physically, but is painful in the pocketbook.  

• Rob packs his lunch nearly every day.  He makes sandwiches, salads, or packs leftovers.  Sometimes we buy him microwave dinners but that's not often anymore.
• Lindsay eats school lunch.  I used to pack her something almost every day, but she decided she liked school lunch better.  That's depressing.
• I can take leftovers or salads, but I like to have random stuff - cheese and crackers, jello, tea, and fruit.  Or maybe cup of soup (but not the noodle stuff, I like cream of potato and split pea that you make with hot water), salad and water.  If I remember when I'm shopping, I'll buy hummus and pretzel crisps, tangerines, and cheese.  See, random.  

Well, that relieved some stress.  I had forgotten how much I like to write, even if it is bullet point lists about food and tips to quit smoking with a snarky attitude.

The Temptation of the Gas Station

While running my daughter to an appointment, I remembered that my fuel light had come on earlier in the day and I had been ignoring it...  and I wasn't going to get too far unless I did something about it.  There was a very convenient gas station on our route so I pulled in and began pumping gas.  While I waited in the bitter cold wind we're getting here in Northern Colorado, I looked up at the tiny station.  For a brief moment, I considered going in and buying a pack of cigarettes.

The thought came out of nowhere.  Did I want a cigarette right then?  No, but I think I bought a pack from here once or twice.  It's been 38 days and I'm having almost no cravings at all.  To be fair, I'm still avoiding situations.  I haven't talked on the phone to the friends who smoke (I will know what they're doing), I haven't even thought of going to the bar with my husband (he plays darts), and I haven't talked to friends on my lunch hour at work.  I'm isolating a little, but I'm also finding out what non-smokers do with their evenings and lunch hours.

I still don't notice any difference in my smell and taste.  Allergy season is kicking into high gear, which might account for the lack of improvement there, as well as the continuous feeling of congestion.  I'm really looking forward to this time next year when the shortness of breath is gone.  I bet allergy season isn't such a bear then!

When the weather improves, Lindsay and I are going to start walking again.  I think the exercise will also improve the way I feel.  For now, I'm less pissy than I have been and am starting to find some benefit to this healthy choice - finally.   I've saved $112 by not smoking 380 cigarettes.

One of *THOSE* weeks

Yeah, the weeks that make you want to curl up in a ball and cry, that leave you feeling vulnerable and weak.  And I lived through it...  without smoking.

I'm shocked, really.  I did a couple of things I was worried about.  First, I talked on the phone with a couple of friends.  I wandered around just like I would have done when I was smoking, but without a cigarette.  It was only a little strange to not light up, and it was fine.  The second thing was to drive a distance (rather than just around town or to school) and I still didn't smoke.  Might have had a little to do with the drives being in the morning, but whatever.  I didn't smoke.

I also told everyone.  I told my SIL a few weeks ago and she brought it up at Easter so all of my in-laws know.  I also "told" everyone I know on FB.  I've been posting a number for each day I'm smoke-free.  Yesterday I posted a No Smoking symbol with a 31 on top of it.  Everybody knows now so I will disappoint a bunch of people if I start again.  I don't want to start again.  I haven't smoked 316 cigarettes and I've saved around $100.  I'm hoping I start to feel that money saved.  :)

No idea what's got me this far.  Maybe it's stubborn determination?  I guess I don't care.  My husband and I are now smoke free and someday I won't be pissy about it.

Nope...

Still not smoking...  still pissy about it.  I haven't talked to friends on the phone in quite some time since that is one of my triggers.  The good news is that I have more time and I'm being slightly more productive with that time.  I've done homework, watched movies with my husband, and even done some cleaning.  I know, shocking right?!

Friday night I got a call from a Colorado QuitLine coach.  She was pretty helpful, had great tips, and helped me to clarify some of my coping mechanisms and why I quit.  I'm supposed to get another call in about three weeks.

Biggest struggles:

• Gaining weight - I swore I wouldn't eat mindlessly or to replace smoking, but that has not been the case.  I find myself eating when I'm bored, when I would have been smoking, and for no reason at all.  I have got to get this under control.  
• Feeling disconnected from my friends - I would love to be able to call up my friends, but the risk is just too big right now.  I feel like changing my habits has to come first and then I can start talking to them again.
• Driving home at night - I guess I used that first cigarette at the end of the day (nope, I didn't generally light up until around 4 or 5 in the evening) to let off some stress and I'm kind of lost as to how to blow that stress off right now.  Some days I just hold my ecig between my fingers, some days I have to use it, but mostly I just turn up the radio.  

I'm still holding strong; I haven't had one in 24 days.

I Quit!

Smoking, that is.  It's been two weeks, so I'm not out of the woods yet.  I have had some intense desires to smoke, mostly related to stress or frustration.  I just keep reminding myself that I quit for a reason, that it makes me feel awful, that I wouldn't be able to breathe, that I would smell bad.  I tell myself all kinds of things to keep from buying a pack of cigarettes.

I wanted to quit smoking in January, but then life got crazy and I had excuse after excuse to continue.  Then, two weeks ago I was on the phone with a friend for five hours, smoking the whole time.  Around the time I finished the last cigarette in my pack, we got off the phone.  It was late so I didn't go buy another pack.  The next day was busy all day and forgot to buy a pack.  The next day I made a conscious effort to refrain, followed by another day, and another.

I could say that now was the worst time for me to quit, but that's not true.  Anytime a smoker quits is a great time, if they can make it through.  I joined the Colorado QuitLine and received a bunch of information from them and Anthem a couple days ago, including techniques and ideas to help me be successful.

Let me just say that nothing in this blog post is medical advice, nor do I suggest you make any changes to your life that you are not ready for or before talking to your doctor.  These are just my experiences and some of the information I have come across during my journey.

P - Pick a day to quit smoking

• A birthday, an anniversary, on vacation, a holiday.  I just quit.  No planning, no lead up.  That probably won't work for many people; it's not very realistic, but if the mood strikes, go with it!

L - Let family and friends know I'm quitting

• I didn't tell anyone for several days.  Nobody noticed and I didn't point it out.  I'd say about four days after my last cigarette, I mentioned it to my husband.  He quit about four weeks before I did, and I thought I'd share with him since he wouldn't be judgmental or over encouraging.  That's what I've been avoiding, the over-encouragement from non and former smokers.  I don't feel like it's cause for a parade, nor do I want to hear how "it's about time."  And maybe, just maybe, I don't want to disappoint anyone if I start smoking again.  But that's why you tell people, right?

A - Anticipate the stressors and triggers, and have strategies to cope

• About five days after quitting, I mentioned that I was stressed over quitting to my supervisor, who then began talking about how hard it was for her to quit all those years ago.  She talked about e-cigs that have no nicotine in them.  WHAT?!  I knew about e-cigs, I had tried to use one in their early days, but I had no idea they were making them without nicotine.  I struggle with the behavior of smoking.  I can cope with the nicotine "fits" but not smoking while driving home, or to class, or on my lunch break, or when talking on the phone was almost too much to handle.  On my way home from our meeting, I stopped at Walgreens and bought a disposable zero nicotine e-cig.  It doesn't really replace smoking, but when I'm super stressed and I just need to use the behavior, it's a decent substitute.  
• Some of the coping strategies suggested in the information from QuitLine are avoiding, alternatives, adjusting.
• Avoid people, places, or things that trigger you to smoke.  You might have to stay away from other smokers, where smokers gather, drinking, or places you smoked at home.  For me this is situational, as I mentioned before.
• Make sure you have alternatives to smoking ready.  You can use toothpicks, mints, gum, straws, popsicles, veggies, hard candies, or a water bottle.  I use the e-cig for this.  I have stayed away from eating anything extra because I know food can become my replacement habit.  My choices in gum and mints are limited because of a sensitivity to artificial sweeteners.
• Be willing to adjust your schedule and habits.  You might have to keep busy, work on hobbies, take long walks or exercise another way, or even call a friend.  Go somewhere that doesn't allow smoking or brush your teeth after you eat or when you just really have to have that cigarette.  I had to stop talking on the phone for awhile.  I used to go outside, call a friend, and light up a cigarette.  I'd be outside in the evening for hours, talking to anyone who would answer the phone.  For the past two weeks, I've only talked on the phone at night if it's a business call (A lot of counselors only have evening hours to return calls.  I know, right?)  I haven't really talked to friends and I'm worried about how I'll react when I do make those calls again.  Hopefully, the e-cig continues to be a good substitute.

N - Nicotine addiction medication

• I'm really torn about this one.  I won't receive my first call from the QuitLine coach for another week and they'll talk to me about using the patch or gum and how their use increases the chances that I'll successfully quit.  The thing is, by that time all the nicotine will be out of my system and I don't think I want to reintroduce it.  
• There are some meds that are used for reducing stress that you have to get from your doctor.  Not all medications will be safe for everyone, so be open minded to your doctors suggestions.  If you're planning on quitting, know that research shows that using nicotine medications can double or triple your chances of quitting for good.  

So that was some of the information I was sent.  I also started pinning information and tips for quitting.  I found a great graphic of Quit Tips put out by The Health District of Northern Larimer County.  One of the tips was to keep a journal.  Since I LOVE journaling and I never do it, I thought this was the perfect excuse!

I'm also using an app on my phone called Cessation Nation.  It tracks your quit date, time since you quit, the amount of money you have saved, and the number of cigarettes not smoked, and the amount of time you have saved.  Since I wasn't really a heavy smoker, I've only saved about $40 since I quit.  I have no idea how much my husband and I have saved together!  Good news though, we need that money to pay for medical bills we've racked up over the past couple of months!

Here is what I want to commit to:

1. Not smoking another cigarette.
2. Blogging at least weekly about my progress and tips I find useful.

Research also shows that when you make a verbal or written commitment, you're more likely to follow it.  

Left Brain/Right Brain

I really love the way this image captures the differences in the way left/right brains process, see, feel, think...

My mind...

This is my mind right now...  Might also be a good description of "Monkey Mind."

Which Step Have You Reached Today?

Job one, job two, internship, online class, and in-seat class - 70 miles away.  It's a wonder I'm still alive.  Really.  The purpose of posting is really just to get a picture up so I can pin it in on a Pinterest board...  yeah, I do that.  I am collecting art, websites, sketches, tool kits - anything that is helpful to me as a beginning counselor.  I saw this on Facebook yesterday and knew it would be useful.

How great is that?!  I work with a lot of eating disorders and I think this kind of walks through their journey...  except instead of "Yes, I did it!" it should be "Yes, I'm doing it!"

In a week or so my load will lighten by the online class so I might just have to come back and catch up.

For now...