Something Normal

Meal plans are normal.  I really need some kind of normal right now.  Even the month isn't normal - January is a bookkeepers nightmare.  

We've gone to the grocery store every week but we're not eating much at home, so there's lots of food - too much.  The problem is that I don't have a plan.  I've got a lot of food, no plan.

Hamburger helper.  That's right, I bought hamburger helper.  I'm not sure what I was thinking except that I didn't have a plan.  Basically, we've got hamburger helper and some lemon chicken.  Oh, and maybe the stuff to make spaghetti and Ski Pasta.  Also, I think I might have the stuff for potato soup.

Thankfully, I thought about this abundance of dinner food when we went shopping today and bought mostly breakfast and lunch stuff.  Breakfast is always a tough one for me...  cereal?  Not enough time.  Eggs?  Same and I'm lazy.  Several months ago I made a bunch of breakfast burritos - not bad but I didn't make any this weekend.  

What we do have is yogurt.  Um, yeah.  Lots and lots of yogurt.  I have no idea what else we have.  Toast maybe?

Lunch.  That's where I seemed to shine today.  Salads, sandwiches, snacks, applesauce, juice boxes, bottled tea.  We're set for the week.

Dinner.  Ugh.

It would be great to have a plan.

Journaling In The New Year

I would love to be able to journal every day of the year, or write in a beautiful composition notebook (my tastes are simple) every week.  Writing by hand is difficult for me because my hand gets tired, my brain goes way faster than my hand, and my handwriting is just awful.  It's easy to be discouraged about keeping some sort of written record about life.  Facebook and Pinterest are full of awesome hand written, beautifully drawn, expertly colored examples of journals - not one skill of which do I possess.  That's okay, I can write well, I'm funny, and I frankly don't give a crap what anyone else thinks about what I have to journal about.  I can just write here.

The past month or so has been full of accomplishments, heartbreak, anxious moments, progress, holidays, and so much more.  I'm actually overwhelmed with how much our lives have changed in the last four or five weeks.  I completed my masters degree and never have to go back to school again (if I don't want to) - Whoo Hoo!  It really was a huge accomplishment for me.  Not too much later, Rob came home with awesome news too!  He is going to be teaching a class at the local community college.  This is something he's wanted to do for several years now.  What wonderful accomplishments we have had recently, and 2014 as a whole was a pretty fantastic year.  It was full of completed goals, new opportunities, and so much growth!

Speaking of college, Jake wants to go back to school soon, Matt is finishing a class here and there in the Navy, and Lindsay will start at a charter school that offers college classes and about 85% of their students graduate with a high school diploma as well as an Associates Degree when they're done.  How exciting for all of them!  On the down side, because life is never perfect, Jake and Willa separated recently.  They are both in our hearts as they deal with this disappointment.

Matt will make a decision soon about his career in the Navy.  He doesn't know yet what will happen, so we're all just being patient for his decision when the time comes.  Patience!  I know, right?!  I swear, I am being patient!  It's easier than I expected, seriously.

So then there's work.  I'm thinking it's time to give my notice and become a counselor full time.  I have found security in my job over the years, so making this decision was difficult and scary.  Yeah, I am terrified of leaving the security I have had for all these years.  I'm still not sure if I can make enough money as a counselor, but If I don't risk anything, I'll never know.

So 2015 is here!  I'll be writing 2014 on checks and documents for the next three months, but so will you so there is that.  I will receive a transcript soon that states I have earned a Masters degree, leave a job I have both loved and hated for so long, and jump feet first and running into a career that I have been building for the last two and a half years.

I'm not one to make resolutions - I've said that before - so I'm setting my sights on intentions...  Intentions are positive change that I intend to bring about.  I'm not fixing something that's broken, I'm creating a positive - so much difference!  It's like the power of positive thinking; put the positive thoughts and intentions out into the universe while working toward these positive goals for change. 

Food, school, work, planning, holidays, and dread

What do all those things have in common?  They're all in my head right now.  Oh, and add pain, worry, concern, fear, and a strange sense of impending accomplishment which is new.  

Food is in my head because I cooked, shopped, and then cooked again today.  It's like the day was consumed with food!  Which, by the way, I'm trying to be mindful off considering I've gained back nearly everything I've lost in the past four years.  Oh, so depressing.  I never really made a plan for meals this week, I just bought random stuff and got cooking.  I had Rob prep meatloaf and then baked two of them.  One for dinner tonight, the other sliced and frozen for lunches or fin-fer dinners.  Then I made a small batch of chili for lunches, etc, and I've finally started potatoes so we can have a traditional meatloaf dinner tonight.  

So what I have to work with this week is...  (in my head there's a little drumroll going on.  I'm easily amused, get over it.)

• Macaroni and cheese (Kraft blue box)
• Meatloaf (leftovers from tonight and a whole one sliced and frozen)
• Chili (probably just for lunches, but in a pinch it's there for dinner)
• Pasta (spaghetti and sauce or ravioli and sauce - it'll be a mood thing)
• Fried shrimp/chicken and fries (Lindsay hates seafood of every kind - except clam chowder.  Go figure)
• Leftovers, fin-fer, breakfast...  whatever 

School starts - my last class (YEA) - in just over a week.  I'm NOT looking forward to it.  I'm so freaking over CCU, the cohort I've had to join, the assignments, the assumption that mental health issues cannot be solved without God, that the only way to live is to be Christian...  it's never ending.  This class is specific to combining religion and counseling, so there's that.  

Work is work.  I'm exhausted and it's just harder to give a rats ass when I feel overwhelmed and tired.  Also, I've been spoiled and rarely have I had to work more than part time.  I'm ready to have my Monday off again.  

I'm trying to plan the curriculum for a group, two groups actually, and while I'm a planner this is harder.  Enough said.

The holidays are coming, and we're in the middle of our family birthdays so I'm kind of anxious about money, get togethers, parties I'm willing to attend, parties that don't happen, gifts I have to buy, and everything that comes with that.  Matt isn't coming home for the holidays this year, so there is that.

I've had more pain lately.  Headaches, backaches, neckaches, jaw pain...  the list feels endless.  And then there are the worries...  the glands in my neck are swollen.  I don't know why but it worries me, and so do a couple of strange moles I have.  I'm hoping almost everything is stress related, but I really have to make a doctor's appointment for a physical - and nobody really wants to do that.

So stress.  Fucking stress.  

I would go on but now all I can think about is how stressed out I am and how I didn't get any laundry done today...  Dishes, laundry, packing up all the food I made, making my bed, cleaning up the messes I've made.

Exercise

To me, it's a four letter word.  I don't want to feel that way about it, I just do.  It appears that I will have to treat it the same way I treated quitting when I stopped smoking - unappealing yet necessary.

While I was waiting for Lindsay on Monday, I took a walk around a trail that I see from the gazebo I sit under to read.  The frustrating part was that the trail was shorter than I had anticipated, though it was about a mile long.  I had been trying to kill time and it only took me about 15 minutes.  For the next two weeks, Lindsay and I will have to wait an hour between her appointments around dinnertime so I mapped out a route that takes us past a Jimmy Johns and is two miles long.  If I'm right, this should take us a little more than half an hour with a stop to pick up a sandwich so we'll be back at the cute little gazebo with half an hour to eat our dinner before her second appointment.

While I was mapping and planning all this out in my head and on this really cool mapping site, I decided I needed an app to track my distance and time...  and maybe I needed to track it more often than once a week.  After all, don't they (whoever they are) tell you that you're supposed to exercise at least three times a week?  So I walked at lunch today and used the little app I downloaded from Google Play and I understand they make one for the iPhone too.  Now I know that I walk an average of three miles an hour and that my chosen route near work is almost exactly a mile long.  It will be easy to get out and walk...  until the weather changes.  Once there's snow on the ground, my work route is kaput because there are no sidewalks.  

Anywhooo....  the reason I started thinking about exercising, besides all the regular stuff (weight creeping up again, concern for my daughters health, generally healthier lifestyle, etc) is that Jake intends to get married in the mountains next summer, at the summit of a five mile hike.  Yeah.  The shape I'm in now, I'll never make it.  Rob says we'll just take our time and breaks as we need them, and drink enough water.  I think we should work on getting in shape.  I would rather not be done for before they even get married!  And I'd like to be able to make it down the trail in one piece.  And the reception...  I'd like to have fun there instead of napping.

So yeah.  I'm going to approach exercise - for now - the same way I did quitting smoking.  I'm not happy about it, and there are benefits that I will soon reap.  Hopefully one of the not smoking benefits will come in handy - my lung capacity is getting better and the shortness of breath is decreasing.  Thank heavens allergy season is waning.

Change Sucks

Matt is supposed to be done with the Navy next year so I've posted a best guess countdown.  It may or may not be accurate, but it will count for me and I won't have to.  Most of what this means is that we are counting down to change that we can't imagine.  He hasn't lived here since he was a boy in high school.  He's a man now, with adult dreams.  It will be different.  

It seems that everything is different these days.  Work is more annoying than normal, though I did talk about marijuana edibles with my boss last week.  It was a weird conversation, and funny.  I live in Colorado so it's legal, our employees just can't test positive for it because of the work they do.  I however, am exempt because I'm an office employee.

School is starting soon and Lindsay and I don't do well with change.  I have my last class coming up and that will be different too...  and then I'll graduate and more change.  Change, different, new experiences...  it just keeps happening.  That's what life is all about.    

Rant

Since when are we as parents expected to bribe our kids to turn in homework, to attend classes, to give a rats ass about school?  

Oh, crap.  I feel a rant coming on; one that starts with, "When I was a kid..."  Shit.

When I was a kid, I was offered cash for grades.  I guess there was bribery involved, but I was expected to approach school like it was my job.  MY JOB.  I was required to attend all my classes, I was required to give a shit, and when I didn't (I'll admit to a rough year in high school), I had my ass handed to me on a platter.  I was grounded, had double the chores.  

What scares the crap out of me is that a lot of parents are offering things I would never consider.  Remember when you said to your parents, "But (fill in best friend/distant acquaintance - whomever suits current needs)'s mom lets her!"  Well, I'm not so-and-so's mom, I'm your mom and I will not (fill in the blank with rejected request).  

Sigh....   Being the parent of a teen girl freaking sucks.  I MUST apologize to my mother as soon as possible.  I put her through hell, and her curse threatens my sanity.  You're not familiar with the curse?  Lucky you.  When I was a teen, my mom rather nonchalantly said to me, "I hope you have a daughter just like you."

Well fuck. 

I find myself thinking back to when I was this age...  what did my mom do that worked?  What did she do that enraged me?  What did she do that kept the situation under the slightest control?  And holy shit, what did she do when I told her I was pregnant?  How would I react?

I feel like Lindsay's teen years are going at a snail's pace.  The sooner I can get her to 18 and graduated, the less anxiety I'll feel.  That's what I'm telling myself.

Allergies suck

I'm considering allergy testing.  

This is a big deal for me because...   needles!  I hate needles, but every year I fight to find just the right allergy medication, just the right combination of drug to natural remedy to household isolation.  I'm over it.  

It will be a huge step for me to call my doctors office and ask about the process, costs (always a big deal for me), and if it is even an option.  

I've noted my progress, now lets see if I follow through. 

I had a naughty thought this morning...

"I can just quit my job and see clients!"

...

You see, I think naughty thoughts when I don't get enough rest/play/family connection/accomplished on the weekends, take your pick.  I also get a bit cranky, fail to refresh, and head into Monday with the typical Monday angst.  And for the record, this thought was the least of my naughty thoughts; it just happened to be one of the loudest.

The funny thing is that I don't work at that job-I'd-like-to-quit on Monday's; I haven't for years!  On Monday's I see clients, I do work on creating my private practice, I read for work and fun, I race around town to get things done.  It's not exactly fun, but it isn't really the grind that I feel other days of the week.

We have bills to pay, a class to pay for - my last! - and a lifestyle that we'd like to achieve.  You know the one where you can go to the grocery store whenever you want and don't really worry about the fact that your jobs require six tanks of gas between the two cars for the month.

So that's it, I have naughty thoughts sometimes.  I'm old, give me a break!

Insomnia

It's a bitch.  I mean really, who wants to be awake at four in the morning after going to bed nearly seven hours earlier?  Nobody, that's who.

I have narrowed the problem down to an ill-timed dose of Excedrin Migraine - note to self, only take that stuff until around two in the afternoon.  Pain later in the day will require Aleve or Advil.

I keep telling myself that I have no new stress or anxiety, but that might not be entirely true.  Rob got a new job today...  wait, yesterday.  It's within the same company and comes with a raise so the "risk" is low, but it is change and I don't do too well with change, of any kind.  So maybe it isn't that he can sleep in an hour later in the morning, or that his paycheck will be a bit bigger, but it could be that he can't take Lindsay to her afternoon appointment during the week or that when school starts again he won't be in a position to pick her up at a reasonable time.  He assures me that he will be able to adjust his schedule when he's done training, but for now it will be change.  

Dinner time will be later, but we will see each other in the morning - I do not currently get up at 5:30 to have chit chat with him, he generally gets a, "Have a good day, I love you," in a sleepy voice as he grabs his cell phone and heads out the door.

There is good news with this transition...  this position will allow him to build experience in a field he has schooling in but lacks the course credits for a degree.  Most companies want a degree or the experience - in a couple of years he'll have one of those, or maybe both if we can get him enrolled in some classes.

And then there is the transition that I have been avoiding for some time.  I will earn my degree soon and will need to transition to a full-time counselor if I am to make use of my degree.  I would like to open a private practice, and I know that might be a dream for a bit.  Regardless, I will need to leave the job I have found security in for the past 15 years.  That is a scary thought.  I have been attending an online private practice conference and today began reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.  So far, both have given me uncomfortable glimpses into the fear that keeps me rooted in mediocrity.  

One of my discoveries (or maybe it's just a willingness to voice it) while listening to Daring Greatly, is that I'm afraid I'm not good enough.  Come on, how many people feel that way sometimes?  Raise your hand; you know you have your moments.  Unless you've done a lot of work, or you are naturally blessed with a fantastic understanding of what you are capable of and above average self-esteem, you have experienced that feeling from time to time.  Me?  I feel like that at least a handful of times every week.  When I'm tired or sick it gets worse.

So why do I feel like I'm not good enough?  Is it because I didn't try very hard in school?  No, that's not it at all.  Is it because I'm lazy and don't do much outside reading?  Uh, I don't think so.  Is it because I'm still working on me and that is showing up for me in different ways?  For now I'm going to have to say, yes.  I don't have any other answers right now, but these feelings of inadequacy will stand in the way of my future if I don't confront them and their source.

Oddly enough, I feel less uncomfortable about myself now that my husband has had an opportunity to move forward in his career.  This is important, but not to be addressed at 4AM.

Yeah, it's after four in the morning.  I fed the cats already!  Good grief.  Good thing I got extra sleep this morning, tomorrow today will be a long day.  I have a nap opportunity this afternoon that I hope I will be able to take advantage of.  Also, I cannot wait to read this when I've had some real sleep - it should be a hoot.

Sometimes Parenting Sucks

We had dinner with Matt and his girlfriend on Wednesday night and then didn't see or hear from him until today... and then the day was full of disappointment.  We didn't hear from Matt all morning, but we went about our business anyway, with a short trip to the grocery store for buns and the gas station to fill up Rob's car.  This visit has had a lot of "go about your business" time.  Late this afternoon when he came for a couple of hours to chat with us and regroup for an evening with his friends.  He promised his sister he would spend time with her tomorrow and then he left.  A few hours later, he called and cancelled.  According to Lindsay, he has broken every promise he's made to her since he got here nearly two weeks ago.  His dad, Lindsay, Jake and I have gotten a token amount of time with him, with the bulk going to the girlfriend and his high school friends.

I know that kids grow up and spend less and less time with their families.  I know it's our job as parents to support him in any way we can while he is serving, and I do not begrudge him that.  I do believe that if you make a promise to your 15 year old sister who loves you even when you crush her heart, you are a jerk.  There, I said it.  My son is behaving like a selfish child and his lack of planning should not impact his sister this way.  
Sometimes parenting sucks, and tonight I have cried for hours because my little girl is in pain.  I have held her and rocked her, letting her vent about the injustice she feels, and offered gentle agreement while I cried with her.  I offered tissues and then helped her find her cell phone and offered her Nook so she could find some distractions.  But I can't take the pain away, I can't make it stop hurting.
  
Sometimes parenting sucks because sometimes you wonder what happened to the boy you raised and what you might have done to make him distance himself from his family.  You wonder if, instead of doing something really wrong, he's just spreading the damn wings everybody is always talking about and we've just offered the perfect launchpad for his independence.

Sometimes parenting sucks because you hear how disappointed your oldest son is about how you don't come to visit him or spend time with him where he lives.  You wonder if it's worth explaining how difficult it is to buy gas to go to work or pay the bills and buy groceries, and how much you struggle.  You worry about making him worry because you don't want to make him feel guilty about anything.    

And finally, sometimes parenting sucks because you wonder when you will be able to stop worrying about them for just long enough to feel like a real person with a life of her own.  You wonder if there will ever be a time when you can be selfish again, or if this is a permanent effect of having children, and if so, might they all just get together and decide to let their mom and dad have a worry-free day once every decade or so? 

Worry, stress, and anxiety, the black hole of having fun and enjoying life.

So I may have been mistaken about being happier at work.  I don't want to be here.  Maybe I'm just not happy anywhere right now.  That presents a problem.  

I wish I could afford to see a therapist.  I simply cannot function at this high a level of stress for much longer.  I have such horrible reflux/heartburn and stomach aches that I wonder if I have an ulcer.  I was certain we had a leak in a water line at home today and I just about lost it waiting for Rob to take a look at it after I called him and told him I was worried.  Turns out, I was right.  Yes, I worry about EVERYTHING.  Yes, I WORST CASE SCENARIO everything.  Sometimes I'm right.  Not that it helps to be right; as a matter of fact, it might make it worse since it reinforces the need to worry.

So, what am I grateful for today?  

• I'm grateful for the timing of finding the leak under the house.
• I'm grateful my son is a simple phone call away - on his US phone, and only a few minutes from home for the next few days.
• I am grateful that the storms we seemed to have every day have cleared and we have beautiful days ahead of us.

Fuck this noise!

6/30/2014 - Afternoon

It is a sad day when you realize you'd rather be at work than at home.  

My teen daughters behavior and my sons visit home have me jumping out of my skin and feeling useless and unwanted.  I knew I would say those words in regards to my daughter some day, but my son?  Never saw it coming.  It's the girl, I know it's the girl.  Who wants to sleep at home when you can sleep at the girlfriends apartment?  Why eat dinner at home when you can go out to eat with the girlfriend?  Why hang out and talk with your parents when you can party and go to clubs with your friends and your girlfriend?  Well, now that you put it that way...  Yeah, fuck that noise!  

It's been a week and we've seen him for about three hours on his own.  Three hours.  If I wanted to see the girlfriend, I'd have coffee with her when he's out to sea.  I haven't had coffee with her, ever.  There's a reason.

And then there's Lindsay...  she takes and takes and takes.  And then she gets upset when she doesn't get one thing.  She might ask for a glass of water and I've just sat down.  I say no, she get's irate.  Fuck that noise.

I'm not a happy camper.  

7/1/2014 - Afternoon

So I may have been mistaken about being at work.  I don't want to be here.  Maybe I'm just not happy anywhere right now.  That presents a problem.  

I wish I could afford to see a therapist.  I simply cannot function at this high a level of stress for much longer.  I have such horrible reflux/heartburn and stomach aches that I wonder if I have an ulcer.  I was certain we had a leak in a water line at home today and I just about lost it waiting for Shawn to take a look at it after I called him and told him I was worried.  Turns out, I was right.  Yes, I worry about EVERYTHING.  Yes, I WORST CASE SCENARIO everything.  Sometimes I'm right.  Not that it helps to be right, as a matter of fact, it might make it worse since it reinforces the need to worry.

A Visit from Japan

Matt came home Monday night.  This time was a little weird - I didn't get all wrapped up in counting down, or freaking out about him being here, or being anxious for weeks, or telling every single soul I know.  In fact, someone told me a couple of weeks ago that he would be home in nine days and I was all, "Really?  Nine days?  Lemme count it myself."  We didn't really get motivated with the cleaning until Saturday, maybe Saturday afternoon...  okay, it was Sunday around noon!  Geeze, judgment!  I've decided that it must be because we're used to this, it's normal now.  Whatever the reason, the house got clean -ish, the laundry got done -ish, and Matt is home for a couple weeks.

On Monday afternoon/evening, while I was getting a few last minute things done, I heard Lindsay squeal in the driveway.  When I looked out the window, I though Jake had come instead of Matt.  I quickly realized that it wasn't Jake, but that Matt looks a lot like his brother.  It's almost creepy how similar they look, especially with their glasses on.  The only differences are weight and hair color, and maybe the three inches that separates them.  That first hug was great - Matt gives the best hugs...  next to Jake, or maybe Lindsay when she's in a hugable mood.  Sigh...  they all give fabulous hugs.  

So he's here and spending a lot of his time with his friends this week.  He says next week is family time.  Rob took most of next week off to spend with Matt.  Rob rarely gets to spend time with him when he's home, so taking so much time off is unusual and nice.  I imagine they'll fish and hang out, play darts and have a drink together, talk about everything and nothing...  My time with Matt will be on Monday.  We're going to go walking a great trail by the river; he's bringing his camera and taking a bunch of pictures, and I've asked him to take a bunch of me so I can find just one I can give to the counseling office I work for to post on the website.  

Having him here in the states makes it very hard to concentrate on being at work or being away from home at all.  Being at home while he's out with his friends makes me irritable.  It's not that I want him in my presence every minute (lie), I just can't seem to concentrate knowing he's in the states and I have to be patient, one of my best qualities (not).  

The Bazillion Life Events of the First Half of 2014

There are literally (yes, literally...  okay, not really) a bazillion things that have happened in the last six months that I haven't gotten around to writing about.  I can't coverall bazillion things here (since it's not actually a real number) but I can highlight some of the unending crap that I have had slopped onto my plate since December.

Matt came home in December.  It was freaking awesome!  It's always awesome when I have all of my kiddo's sitting around a fire, in the living room, or around a dinner table.  I have almost forgotten what it is to have three kids at home.  Loud and crazy!  After two weeks of noise and constant motion, I'm ready for some rest though not ready to take him to the airport.  It kind of sucks eggs.

Also in December, Lindsay was put on a whole bunch of new meds, one of which she had a reaction to and had to discontinue its use in January.  Because her medical and mental health needs were swiftly becoming more than our pocketbook could handle and the pending insurance requirement, I applied for health insurance for Rob and Lindsay in January.  Lindsay was immediately put on a state plan with a minimal enrollment fee.  For the first time in years she was taking all of her medication as prescribed and I wasn't anxious about her physical state all the time.  That was the good news.  The bad news was that the cost of Rob's plan was out of our reach, especially if you consider actually using it - paying copays, coinsurance, and deductibles.  I waited to see if I could fit it in our budget.  A week later he ended up in the emergency room at 11:30 at night.  The diagnosis?  Gallstone.  They recommended a surgeon and told us not to wait for an appointment.  And, that's right, no insurance.

With a few weeks, he was in surgery.  The gallstones, turns out there were two, were the size of golf balls and his gallbladder was three times its normal size.  He was lucky.  Surgery was successful, but it was hard on him.  What should have been an "easy" (according to the surgeon) outpatient procedure became an overnight stay with a drainage tube placed.  He was in a tremendous amount of pain, took hours and hours to rouse from anesthesia, experienced trouble breathing the first day, and had an irregular heartbeat for a few hours after surgery.  Needless to say, I was a wreck.  I was forced to see my husbands mortality, something I have intentionally never looked at for more than a few seconds - because lets face it, it's some scary shit to think about your husband dying.  I tried to get him to promise me he wouldn't die, but he's yet to make that promise.  Bastard.  As if my anxiety wasn't over the top normally, now I'm worried about his health all. the. time.  He was never sick!  Now I feel like he's fragile.

Not only did he not have insurance, he had no PTO at work and needed 10 days to recover.  That was rough.  We're still playing catch up, and we're going to be paying medical bills for some time to come.

I finished up my Spring classes at the end of April and have been free since then, but I just confirmed that I cannot pay for my final class in October.  Seriously, one fucking class and I can't take it.  If I hadn't had to make hard choices about incoming bills because of lost income, I wouldn't be in the situation.  $1,234.00 (I know, right?!) will get me my Masters degree.  Well, fuck a fucking duck.  That's my favorite saying.  Leave me alone.

In May, we had the awesome Lindsay experience.  That experience is still going, getting better every day.  Don't be fooled by my lack of a sarcasm font.  It's implied.

What it's like to let someone else do the driving

I had never experienced what it's like to have a child admitted to an inpatient facility... until Tuesday night that is.  It doesn't feel good, lets start with that.  Being that I'm a control freak, the fact that no one at the facility feels the need to give me any real information about my daughter is frustrating at best, but really it's just infuriating.  

I gave them my daughter and while she seems cared for (Rob and I saw her when we dropped of clothes), I know nothing about what's going on, nothing I was told the first night has happened (as far as I can tell), and I'm in the dark - a place I do not like.

When we saw her last night, she was happy, smiling and laughing, mostly about the fact that I'd brought her clothes.  And chap-stick.  And shampoo.  She didn't seem bothered to be there, said she'd done chores (dishes - by hand y'all!) and said since we'd come she didn't have to call us.  She quickly followed that with, "But I wasn't going to call you anyway."  Gut punch.

So how do I live with this?  Rob says I need to stop thinking like a therapist and start feeling like a mom.  Yeah, I know.  If I let myself just feel like a mom, I'd be home in bed curled up in a ball crying, eating ice cream, smoking my damn brains out, and getting drunk.  Yes, I can do all of those things curled up in a ball, try me.  I had to put some therapist in there so I could function.  She'll be okay, they're taking care of her, she is there to get better, this is what she needs, this isn't about what I need.  The mom part says, I want my baby at home, she's being manipulative, I'm a failure at being a mother, what could I have done differently, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED AND WHAT IS GOING ON?!  It was all I could do not to buy cigarettes yesterday.  I even dreamed about smoking.  

I had a tough day yesterday, as did Rob.  I sat at work, crying occasionally, knowing I didn't want to talk about it with anyone.  Today, it is all I can do to sit here and be even halfway present.  I can't take time off work, and at this point, I only have six hours of work until the weekend.  I have a client tonight and a group tomorrow, but I can focus on those responsibilities easier because I am actively engaged the entire time.  Sitting at a desk in an empty office isn't the same.

(After lunch)
I finally had a release; I spoke to a friend about what was happening and how I'm feeling about it.  I also had the opportunity to accept the flow of the things that will happen, meetings, family sessions, phone calls, her progress and eventual release.  Yesterday I was frustrated because they called Rob's number to get in touch with us (worst plan ever), left a message that he didn't get for six hours, and wanted to schedule an appointment for a day that it appears the therapist isn't even available (according to her voicemail).  So basically, whether I accept it or not, I'm not in control so why not just sit back and let someone else do the driving for a change.  Those are the hardest words EVER.

Since this became a thing (a term I've picked up from my daughter and the girls I work with), I've wondered when and how, or if I bring it up to my supervisor.  Past experience tells me that I have to disclose it to her.  Because I'm having such a hard time regulating my own emotional responses and having trouble figuring out if it's okay to be a basket case verses a solid rock (I know the answer is somewhere in the middle, duh) I don't know how to bring it up to her.  I suppose if I see her tonight I'll just tell her.  Awkward!  But whatever.

My inner optimist tells me that this is good experience for relating to future client parents.  The snarky me says, fuck that and who gives a flying fuck!?  A friend said to me that Rob and I might look at this as a much needed break, but it doesn't feel like that's right, or even should be right.  While I did sleep in this morning, sheer exhaustion will do that to you, I'm worried about her every moment, more than before.  And now my weekend is going to be taken up with this so there will be no rejuvenation for the coming week, no relaxation after a hard week, just worry about her, family counseling sessions, and a miserable Mother's Day.  Happy Effing Mothers Day to me.  

Food is normally my friend; I'd say we're too close sometimes.  I have a hard time eating right now and nothing sounds or tastes good.  After dropping off Lindsay's clothes last night, Rob drove me back to my car (long, unimportant story) and then asked if we should just get dinner at Country Buffet.  While it isn't my favorite restaurant, far from it in fact, the idea of going right home was unappealing and not having to cook was a relief.  I got some roast beef, mashed potatoes, and a slice of pizza.  Weird.  Whatever, get over it.  I could hardly choke down anything because it felt like my throat was swollen.  We spent over $30 for the two of us to eat food we couldn't taste and sit in silence for the better part of 30 or 40 minutes.  We could have gone to McDonald's for a third of that and been just as satisfied.

I realize that I've been trying to raise a well rounded child.  Education is important to us, doing your best and not making excuses.  That goes for many things, like how we expect our children to treat others, what attention they pay to their responsibilities (school, chores, family) and above all, themselves.  We thought it was important to give our kids control of their bodies very early.  By that I mean that if they wanted to go to the doctor, they should tell us, or if they had concerns about something, they should ask rather than wait for an adult to bring it to their attention.  Lindsay is a part of the ME generation, where everything in life should be handed over and that she is the center of the universe.  Or so she thinks.  We didn't put her there, her friends did.  So now that she's in an inpatient facility, she believes it's okay to be totally selfish as long as it aligns with the facilities rules, which I'm sure it does.  

For a long time she has had no consideration for the feelings of others, no idea what this is doing to us financially or emotionally, and I'm sure she's looking forward to the vacation from home/responsibilities/school/parents and when she gets home she's going to expect things to be the same.  It's not going to be the same.  I'm shutting down her FB account (she's being bullied on social media and complains but won't really do anything about it - getting out of groups, unfriending people, not engaging, reporting, blocking, etc.).  Basically, we're trying to protect her this way, but that's not how she'll see it.  I will never hear the end of it.  Also, we're not going to let her sit in her room all the time.  She'll have to be in the living room with us and eat dinner with us every night.  I think I'm going to have to find some activities for her this summer, but I'll be damned if I know how I'll pay for it.  I will keep her with me on Monday's, take her to the counseling office if I have a client, and do things with her that day.  The other days will be the struggle.

Realization!  Well, not like right now, but within the past day or so....  I'm being selfish.  Not the stomp my feet, I want it my way (well, maybe just a little), but more in the I wish I had been more in the loop, I wish my daughter would have confided in me more, I hate that so many other people were right while I though they were wrong because I didn't have all the information.  That's it right there.  I don't like being in the damn dark!  Sigh...  Let someone else do the driving right now.  Maybe that's my new mantra.  I'm not sure it can overtake the fear of the unknown, of the dark.

Let someone else do the driving right now. 

But I like to be in control.
Let someone else do the driving right now. 

I want to know when we're leaving, where we're going, and when we'll get there.
Let someone else do the driving right now. 

My phone is silent and it's making me crazy.
Let someone else do the driving right now.

This is exhausting; why can't everything be like it was?
Let someone else do the driving right now. 

I don't like the dark.
Let someone else do the driving right now.  

I'm scared.
Let someone else do the driving right now. 

I was isolating before, now I've refused to let the world in and think they're all a bunch of fucking assholes anyway.  Go figure.  I did talk to a friend, but she's the least judgmental, sweetest human being I have ever met, and I was on the phone with her Tuesday when Lindsay's counselor called so she knew something was up.  I have been ignoring calls and letting them go to voicemail, I cringe when I listen to the messages, and dread getting a text.  Tonight I'll go home after meeting with my client (assuming the facility therapist doesn't want to meet with us at 5:45 or 6) and spend the entire evening alone because Rob is going to darts playoffs tonight.  He needs to do something, he's balled up all of his stress and is at risk of having a stroke if he doesn't find a way to reduce his tension.  I have no idea what I'll do with myself; normally I make dinner and watch a movie with Lindsay.  Jesus!  Is this what it's going to be like when she's out of the house?  Are we going to isolate and withdraw util we have no support network to depend on?  Well fuck.  So tonight I'll try to read.  Yalom probably won't hold my attention and Catching Fire will be only slightly more useful.  I'll stare at FB, scrolling without seeing, refreshing and doing the same over and over and over and over again.  This doesn't feel like a FB status update, so I'm not going to find support there.  The whole time I'm trying to occupy myself I'll check my email endlessly, waiting for who knows what, while going through the cable menu over and over again, hoping something new shows up.

When I've done all of those things 15 or 20 times, I'll roll over in bed, close my eyes, and cry myself to sleep.  My words here feel like they have power to help, and then I lose that power and fall into despair.  I am not a shining example of good mental health or successful coping skills.

My evening awaits.

It's kinda freakin' me out...

All the publicity surrounding the shooting at the Dark Night Rises in Aurora last weekend is starting to take it's toll on me.  I guess it's mostly about the sailor that died and how the bubble I imagine my family living in was burst.  So I'm not an idiot, and I never actually believed that there was something that exempted my family from bad things; I've just been able to ignore the fact.  I can't anymore.


Since Sunday night, I'm kept awake by thoughts of a government sedan pulling up in front of my house and uniformed officers getting out.  They walk up my steps and knock on the door...  I don't want to open it because I know why they are there.  I verge on panic and then it subsides because I tell myself it's ridiculous.  Or is it?


I haven't told anyone I know about this, not the navy mom's, not my husband or son, no one.  I'm afraid they will think I've gone off the deep end.  I think I just need some time and space from Colorado's most recent tragedy.  I will not read another article about it, I will avoid postings on Facebook regarding the deaths, I will continue to stick with the Hallmark channel that, thankfully, has no news coverage.

Pain

Today is a day filled with pain and discomfort.  My back, neck, hips and head all hurt.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I’ve been getting more sleep – last night I was in bed just after 9 o’clock and asleep before 10.  I can’t wait to get home and curl up in pajamas.  But first, I have to wait until 4 so I can leave work, then I have to run to Lindsay’s school to see her participate in the Solo and Ensemble contest.  I think that only lasts 20 minutes to half an hour.  And the good news is that it’s after school at her school, not Saturday morning at a school across town, the way it was when the boys were in junior high.

Rob has darts tonight and there’s a pizza leftover in the ‘fridge so my evening is all set.  The only thing that could make it more perfect would be if I wasn’t hurting so much. I suppose it would help if I’d take something for it…  okay, two Aleve and half a muscle relaxant.  Crossing my fingers it helps me get through the rest of the afternoon.

The source of my stress...

I have a little relief from the stress today.  I talked to my advisor yesterday and agreed that dropping one of my classes this semester wasn’t such a bad idea.  It’s better to pass one class than fail two.  I think I might be setting myself up for future stress but I just have had the most horrible year and a half. 

Things have to line up just perfectly for increasing stress in my life.  Everything kind of hinges on Rob getting a better job, any job.  Anything but fast food, or retail, or…  who am I kidding.  He needs to get a job in his field working for the industry rate.  And he has to do that in four months or less.  I need to leave my job to take one at a counseling firm that will also let me do my practicum and internship there.  It’s nearly my dream job, but it can’t happen if Rob and I can’t handle the pay cut that it will require.  Oh, such fun!

But tonight I’m just going to worry about whether or not Psych will be good.  It’s the season premier and we’re trying the new Bacon Cheeseburger pizza from Papa Murphy’s.  It’s a family couch date and I’m looking forward to it…  and then falling asleep all comfy and warm in my bed before by 10pm.

Lonely

It’s depressing when friends move away. Mine have been doing it for years and Rob has been kind enough to point out that it might have something to do with me. Ass.

I live in a college town so it shouldn’t surprise me when I make friends with people that are students and they move upon graduation – but I don’t only make friends with students. It’s just the nature of this city I guess.

I’m struggling with the loss of one of my dear friends. She moved two weeks after Matt left for boot camp, I know I’ve mentioned it before, but it’s really raw right now. She moved to Colorado Springs, which isn’t Mars but it might as well have been, as often as Rob and I manage to get out of Northern Colorado. Now she and her husband are moving to the western slope… over six hours drive through the mountains. I guess we might see them once a year and I know I’ll survive – I managed to live through LJ’s move 17 years ago and she never moved back, she hardly comes back, and I’ve only gone to see her twice. Sigh.

I guess I’ll have to make new friends again. Like it’s that easy.

2010 in Review

2010 was interesting.  I received my undergrad degree, started graduate school, decided I hated my job enough to actually consider moving on, decided I had made a horrible choice in colleges, my son enlisted in the Navy, my grandfather died, and so many marital problems...  the last few moments of 2010 summed up the whole year.  Miserable.

 

Other items of note:

• I had 8 posts here in 2010.  What kind of awful is that?!  When I first started this blog I loved writing here; I loved being able to put my thoughts somewhere.  Now I tell myself I'm too busy or that I don't have the energy.  I think the real reason is that I don't want to see how awful I felt about my life. 
• I started fostering dogs in 2010 and the one we have right now had puppies on December 13.  Seven were born, three have survived to date.
• I realized that, after years of not buying myself new clothes, I have one pair of jeans, one pair of casual work slacks and one pair of nice work slacks.  I have several nice summer blouses but almost nothing for winter. 
• I have two four-year old pajama pants, both of which have holes in them.  I asked for new ones for Christmas but Rob was being an ass and decided I should have a bathrobe instead.  Not the same thing and not nearly as useful. 
• I received two broken Christmas presents.  That pretty much sums up my year.
• I spent a Christmas gift card on groceries - just because.
• I discovered that lime vodka makes amazing Cosmopolitans.
• Three or four of these Cosmo's (drunk one right after the other) will make me go right to sleep.  I think that makes them cheaper than most over the counter sleep aids.
• Letting your family know that you aren't happy doesn't generally yield any results.  There needs to be yelling or something equally jarring in order to remove their heads from their various electronic devices.

This list could go on and on but it's just whining.