Journaling In The New Year

I would love to be able to journal every day of the year, or write in a beautiful composition notebook (my tastes are simple) every week.  Writing by hand is difficult for me because my hand gets tired, my brain goes way faster than my hand, and my handwriting is just awful.  It's easy to be discouraged about keeping some sort of written record about life.  Facebook and Pinterest are full of awesome hand written, beautifully drawn, expertly colored examples of journals - not one skill of which do I possess.  That's okay, I can write well, I'm funny, and I frankly don't give a crap what anyone else thinks about what I have to journal about.  I can just write here.

The past month or so has been full of accomplishments, heartbreak, anxious moments, progress, holidays, and so much more.  I'm actually overwhelmed with how much our lives have changed in the last four or five weeks.  I completed my masters degree and never have to go back to school again (if I don't want to) - Whoo Hoo!  It really was a huge accomplishment for me.  Not too much later, Rob came home with awesome news too!  He is going to be teaching a class at the local community college.  This is something he's wanted to do for several years now.  What wonderful accomplishments we have had recently, and 2014 as a whole was a pretty fantastic year.  It was full of completed goals, new opportunities, and so much growth!

Speaking of college, Jake wants to go back to school soon, Matt is finishing a class here and there in the Navy, and Lindsay will start at a charter school that offers college classes and about 85% of their students graduate with a high school diploma as well as an Associates Degree when they're done.  How exciting for all of them!  On the down side, because life is never perfect, Jake and Willa separated recently.  They are both in our hearts as they deal with this disappointment.

Matt will make a decision soon about his career in the Navy.  He doesn't know yet what will happen, so we're all just being patient for his decision when the time comes.  Patience!  I know, right?!  I swear, I am being patient!  It's easier than I expected, seriously.

So then there's work.  I'm thinking it's time to give my notice and become a counselor full time.  I have found security in my job over the years, so making this decision was difficult and scary.  Yeah, I am terrified of leaving the security I have had for all these years.  I'm still not sure if I can make enough money as a counselor, but If I don't risk anything, I'll never know.

So 2015 is here!  I'll be writing 2014 on checks and documents for the next three months, but so will you so there is that.  I will receive a transcript soon that states I have earned a Masters degree, leave a job I have both loved and hated for so long, and jump feet first and running into a career that I have been building for the last two and a half years.

I'm not one to make resolutions - I've said that before - so I'm setting my sights on intentions...  Intentions are positive change that I intend to bring about.  I'm not fixing something that's broken, I'm creating a positive - so much difference!  It's like the power of positive thinking; put the positive thoughts and intentions out into the universe while working toward these positive goals for change. 

It certainly isn't bliss - Thanksgiving Edition

We normally spend Thanksgiving with Rob's family, but this year no one was having a big dinner so we're spending it at home with a turkey and all, or most, of the fixings.  

The problem is that everybody seems cranky.  Lindsay was happy we weren't going to a family function because she's currently in this "I hate everyone and they hate me" phase of teenage-hood.  She said she was relieved we were going to stay home, eat food, watch Planes Trains and Automobiles, and be generally lazy - but this morning she asked if she could go to a friends house for dinner.  At first I said no, and Rob basically said he didn't care, so I just told her to do what she wants.  To be honest, I said it in a way that was full of guilt, but I figured we couldn't win this one...  no matter what we said, she'd think we were stupid, evil, heartless, or mean, take your pick.  She didn't end up going so now she's in her room surfing the internet on her phone.  Sigh...

Rob is still in bed with his computer and the tv is on the same channel I left it on.  I'm sitting in my chair, struggling with a headache (beginning migraine?), nausea, back pain, and massive heartburn.  So it definitely isn't blissful in my home today.

Add to that, Matt (whose spending his third Thanksgiving in Japan) wants to be home with his family but is struggling with some decisions regarding his continued service.  He may or may not continue with his service, but that's another story.  Jake isn't coming home for Thanksgiving either, but that's not a matter of distance.  He and his fiance are going to her family function this year but I think they'll call.  Something is going on with those two but I have no idea what and I've actually lost sleep over it.  Welcome to Parenting 201...  you know, when you've managed to raise them to adulthood and send them out into the world.  This kind of parenting is still new to me and I'm struggling with it.

It might be time to open a bottle of wine.  If I get tipsy now, I'll have all day to build on that.  Now excuse me while I google drink recipes for brandy because I just found a bottle.

Food, school, work, planning, holidays, and dread

What do all those things have in common?  They're all in my head right now.  Oh, and add pain, worry, concern, fear, and a strange sense of impending accomplishment which is new.  

Food is in my head because I cooked, shopped, and then cooked again today.  It's like the day was consumed with food!  Which, by the way, I'm trying to be mindful off considering I've gained back nearly everything I've lost in the past four years.  Oh, so depressing.  I never really made a plan for meals this week, I just bought random stuff and got cooking.  I had Rob prep meatloaf and then baked two of them.  One for dinner tonight, the other sliced and frozen for lunches or fin-fer dinners.  Then I made a small batch of chili for lunches, etc, and I've finally started potatoes so we can have a traditional meatloaf dinner tonight.  

So what I have to work with this week is...  (in my head there's a little drumroll going on.  I'm easily amused, get over it.)

• Macaroni and cheese (Kraft blue box)
• Meatloaf (leftovers from tonight and a whole one sliced and frozen)
• Chili (probably just for lunches, but in a pinch it's there for dinner)
• Pasta (spaghetti and sauce or ravioli and sauce - it'll be a mood thing)
• Fried shrimp/chicken and fries (Lindsay hates seafood of every kind - except clam chowder.  Go figure)
• Leftovers, fin-fer, breakfast...  whatever 

School starts - my last class (YEA) - in just over a week.  I'm NOT looking forward to it.  I'm so freaking over CCU, the cohort I've had to join, the assignments, the assumption that mental health issues cannot be solved without God, that the only way to live is to be Christian...  it's never ending.  This class is specific to combining religion and counseling, so there's that.  

Work is work.  I'm exhausted and it's just harder to give a rats ass when I feel overwhelmed and tired.  Also, I've been spoiled and rarely have I had to work more than part time.  I'm ready to have my Monday off again.  

I'm trying to plan the curriculum for a group, two groups actually, and while I'm a planner this is harder.  Enough said.

The holidays are coming, and we're in the middle of our family birthdays so I'm kind of anxious about money, get togethers, parties I'm willing to attend, parties that don't happen, gifts I have to buy, and everything that comes with that.  Matt isn't coming home for the holidays this year, so there is that.

I've had more pain lately.  Headaches, backaches, neckaches, jaw pain...  the list feels endless.  And then there are the worries...  the glands in my neck are swollen.  I don't know why but it worries me, and so do a couple of strange moles I have.  I'm hoping almost everything is stress related, but I really have to make a doctor's appointment for a physical - and nobody really wants to do that.

So stress.  Fucking stress.  

I would go on but now all I can think about is how stressed out I am and how I didn't get any laundry done today...  Dishes, laundry, packing up all the food I made, making my bed, cleaning up the messes I've made.

The end of November and the Semester

The last nine weeks were overwhelming.  I finished up my internship (and got hired there!  YEA!), had three classes a week, and seemed to work my tail off at the job that pays the bills.  The semester actually ended a week ago, but I had three papers to finish and turn in, then the holiday to prepare for (and enjoy a great deal), and finally some down time yesterday.  I actually took Thursday through Sunday off of everything!

I was so sore the day after Thanksgiving that I spent the majority of my time in bed on the computer.  It hurt to lift my arms, my back was so sore I was hunched over, and the headache...  wow.  Not a migraine, it's been a few weeks since I had one, but it was a killer.  It must be all the wine I drank at Thanksgiving... and the mojito, or two.  We all got to talk to Matt over in Japan while we were at dinner on Thursday.  I called him and then we both got on Google Hangouts.  I can't run Skype on my Chromebook, but Google Hangouts seems to have fewer problems so it was great.  We were on the computer with him, passing it around to everyone who wanted to talk, for three hours.  It was a great day.

So yesterday started out slow, with all those aches, Rob having to get up to leave for work early, and nothing good on television.  By the afternoon, I realized we hadn't done the dishes, taken out the trash, or cleaned up any of the mess that had accumulated while I was too busy to do anything but survive.  

(One of my half written posts that are finding their way to being published, finished or not.)

July 4th Excitement

I guess that's a little misleading.  We went to breakfast at noon, stopped at Home Depot for a few items to make repairs suffered by our house in a recent storm, ran a couple of other errands including a Sonic run for limeades and slushies, and then came home to be lazy.  Some friends of ours stopped by to chat before they headed over to City Park to watch fireworks.  That was the second most exciting part of the day.

The most exciting, or maybe it was the best, was dinner.  We had flat iron steaks and scallops for dinner.  I grilled perfect flat iron steaks, which is kind of a feat for me.  I was going to marinate them in worstershire but I didn't have any.  I did have a generic steak and chop marinade with garlic and black pepper, which worked great.  I guess the key is to put them on the grill at room temperature.  I have a new favorite cut of meat - and they're cheap!  This site has great directions for grilling flat iron steaks.

Other excitement includes a little mini vacation.  Both Rob and I had today off but I also took tomorrow off work.  The only thing I have to do between now and Monday at noon is lead a group on Saturday morning, which is comfortable and fun for me.  The rest of the time is mine.  There are a few things I'd like to get done and maybe a couple of errands I should do but without a crazy-busy schedule to keep up with, I should be rested by Monday.

(Another of the "I found it unfinished but I'm publishing it anyway" series.)

2010 in Review

2010 was interesting.  I received my undergrad degree, started graduate school, decided I hated my job enough to actually consider moving on, decided I had made a horrible choice in colleges, my son enlisted in the Navy, my grandfather died, and so many marital problems...  the last few moments of 2010 summed up the whole year.  Miserable.

 

Other items of note:

• I had 8 posts here in 2010.  What kind of awful is that?!  When I first started this blog I loved writing here; I loved being able to put my thoughts somewhere.  Now I tell myself I'm too busy or that I don't have the energy.  I think the real reason is that I don't want to see how awful I felt about my life. 
• I started fostering dogs in 2010 and the one we have right now had puppies on December 13.  Seven were born, three have survived to date.
• I realized that, after years of not buying myself new clothes, I have one pair of jeans, one pair of casual work slacks and one pair of nice work slacks.  I have several nice summer blouses but almost nothing for winter. 
• I have two four-year old pajama pants, both of which have holes in them.  I asked for new ones for Christmas but Rob was being an ass and decided I should have a bathrobe instead.  Not the same thing and not nearly as useful. 
• I received two broken Christmas presents.  That pretty much sums up my year.
• I spent a Christmas gift card on groceries - just because.
• I discovered that lime vodka makes amazing Cosmopolitans.
• Three or four of these Cosmo's (drunk one right after the other) will make me go right to sleep.  I think that makes them cheaper than most over the counter sleep aids.
• Letting your family know that you aren't happy doesn't generally yield any results.  There needs to be yelling or something equally jarring in order to remove their heads from their various electronic devices.

This list could go on and on but it's just whining. 

Holiday Party

My husbands company held their 'Holiday Party' on December 29th. It was in a restaurant in Old Town here in Fort Collins. Even though he's been with them for over a year, he doesn't know very many people and these functions always start off slightly uncomfortable for us. Since I'm really shy around people I don't know and my husband is generally quiet in large groups, we nearly always keep to ourselves at these things. This year we talked with a few people then got a drink and sat down at a table by ourselves. Just before dinner was served, a couple that the hubby knows asked if they could sit with us. The evening was a lot of fun thanks to them. We chatted about school since the woman we were sitting with is working on her Masters degree and the hubby and I are working on our Bachelors. We talked about kids and travel and work. It was a great night.

The company buys several moderately priced gifts to give away by drawing names during the party. There were things like a portable DVD player, a digital photo frame, and a 19" plasma screen television. The hubby's name was drawn for a digital camera and printer dock. The funny thing is that I'd asked him before Christmas what he wanted and he said he wanted a new camera! How nice is that?

I just love it when a party ends up being satisfying rather than stressful. When you walk away from that type of event it's nice to think that it was time well spent. Both our company parties were like that this year. Both were spent talking to nice people, laughing and enjoying the atmosphere.

I hope tonight's party is the same. There are supposed to be 20 or 30 people there, most of whom we know; we'll have the opportunity to get to know them all a little better.

Christmas at the Cabin

Well, we survived.

On Saturday the 22nd we left Fort Collins and headed for my in-laws cabin in the mountains west of Walden, Colorado. I think the trip is about 150 miles. Since my kids had gone up earlier in the day with my in-laws, my husband and I had a nice leisurely drive. We park the cars about a mile from the cabin because if it snows a lot, we can still drive out. The parking area is above a reservoir called Slack-Weiss. We got up there just before dark and had time to load almost everything into the two sleds and snowmobile down to the cabin. The boys were more than happy to help their dad get the last couple of things from the Jimmy (the vehicle we drove up) and leave a couple of snowmobiles up there for my sister-in-law, who was about an hour behind us.

On Christmas Eve my father-in-law pointed out a snowmobile to Lindsay that she would be allowed to use – all by herself! She was so happy. He gave her a rundown on the rules and off she went. She was allowed to go in circles – loops that would bring her right back to the cabin but not take her out of sight or hearing distance of those of us outside. She had so much fun. My boys were constantly out on their own snowmobiles, much better ones than they’d used the previous years. When we go up there they stay in their own ‘bunk house’ so between sleeping apart from us and being allowed to come and go as they please, they have a lot of freedom.

Christmas morning was fun. My mother and father-in-law, my boys, daughter, husband and I were all up by 7AM. We drank coffee, snacked on breakfast treats and waited for my sister-in-law’s family to come over from the other cabin. We finally sent Lindsay and Matt over to get them up and steal my 3-year-old nephew so we could start opening presents. I was really excited about the kids opening presents this Christmas because I thought we’d done an exceptional job at choosing them. I’ll only list what my husband and I got them because that’s all I can really remember… A got an MP3 player loaded with her own albums – Hannah Montana, High School Musical, etc. (thanks to her oldest brother), a pair of Heely’s, and the game Operation. Matt got a Phillips Go, it’s an MP3 player that also plays video. I had Jake load music that Matt would like and the movie Christmas Vacation because I thought it would be fun. Jake got the best present of all. It took weeks and the help of many people to make it possible. As I said before, Jake is a double Letterman and was chosen to the All Conference team. For Christmas we bought him a Letter Jacket and were sneaky enough to borrow a letter from someone else to put in his dresser so when he looked (and he looks every day) it wouldn’t be missing and he wouldn’t be suspicious. My parents helped with the cost of the jacket, my mother-in-law sewed on the letter, and my sister-in-law is going to buy him the other patches he wants like his name, graduation year, or his football jersey number. When he opened the box and pulled back the tissue paper he threw back his head and cried, “Yes!” I think we did a good job. I had so much fun watching my kids open their presents that my father-in-law finally told me to quit being a control freak and open my own. I got a little stuffed dog that sings “Melikalikimaka” (which I love) and a gift bag that had a bag of coffee, a heart shaped lotion bar, and in the bottom there was something wrapped in tissue paper. I started pulling the paper out of the bag and finally lifted it out to unwrap it. I was so tickled to find that it was a pair of Crocs Mammoths – the right color and the right size! I’ve been wanting a pair of them for the past month and haven’t been able to find the right ones. It was the perfect gift – and in case you’re wondering, they are really warm even in the snow.

We came back on Wednesday because I was supposed to work Thursday. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw that it was snowing pretty heavily and was not looking forward to going to work. When I got up with the alarm I could hear my phone beeping – someone had sent me a text message. I got out of bed, peeked out the window and was very depressed that I was going to have to drive in the new snow, then I went to check my cell phone. My boss had sent me a text message telling me to go back to bed, there was no point in coming to work. The snow had shut down operations on Thursday. My husband had to go in to work, though he only works a mile drive from home. I decided that I should drive him to work and then go to the grocery store because we didn’t have any food left in the house and needed things like milk, eggs and cereal. The roads were nasty and my husband showed me how to put the Jimmy in 4 wheel drive. I made it to the grocery store and back home without killing myself.

On Friday I went to work, stayed for only a half day and called it quits for the year. I’ll go back in on Wednesday the 2nd of January. I’ve really enjoyed spending time with my husband just sitting on the couch watching movies and enjoying each others company. Too bad we don’t get to do it more often.

Today is Sunday and we’re all headed over to my parents house. They live in Loveland and we haven’t seen them this holiday season. They’re vegetarians so I’ve spent a couple of hours making meat-free pasta salads to take over there tonight and we’ll make a Wal-Mart stop for a veggie tray and last minute supplies for our New Years party tomorrow night. We’ve got to leave in about half an hour and nobody’s ready yet! This is typical for us – we’re always late.

Christmas Preparations

We've bought all the presents and stocking stuffers and wrapped nearly everything. All that's left to do is to pack. We're going up into the mountains to spend Christmas with my in-laws again this year. The kids love it and my husband can't wait to escape the city. As for me, it's kind of stressful. I've got to make sure everyone has everything they need, buy it if they don't, pack for myself and my daughter, remind everyone again that they need things like toothbrushes and deodorant, plan for the neighbor kids to take care of the cats and watch over the house.... the list is endless! Or it feels like it is. I just don't travel well, kind of like deviled eggs.

I have to work tomorrow through Friday. It will be busy since we'll be getting everything wrapped up for the year. I'll be in to work two days the week of Christmas and three days the week of New Years. That week will be awful - getting all of the tax reports done and getting all of the books ready for the accountant - not my favorite thing in the world. I am really busy all of January and most of February. I don't relax until sometime in March. I don't know why I stress so much, that's just who I am.

Speaking of New Years, we have a great party to go to this year. Family friends have invited us and the party is usually really fun. There will be five or six families there this year, everyone has kids.