Journaling In The New Year

I would love to be able to journal every day of the year, or write in a beautiful composition notebook (my tastes are simple) every week.  Writing by hand is difficult for me because my hand gets tired, my brain goes way faster than my hand, and my handwriting is just awful.  It's easy to be discouraged about keeping some sort of written record about life.  Facebook and Pinterest are full of awesome hand written, beautifully drawn, expertly colored examples of journals - not one skill of which do I possess.  That's okay, I can write well, I'm funny, and I frankly don't give a crap what anyone else thinks about what I have to journal about.  I can just write here.

The past month or so has been full of accomplishments, heartbreak, anxious moments, progress, holidays, and so much more.  I'm actually overwhelmed with how much our lives have changed in the last four or five weeks.  I completed my masters degree and never have to go back to school again (if I don't want to) - Whoo Hoo!  It really was a huge accomplishment for me.  Not too much later, Rob came home with awesome news too!  He is going to be teaching a class at the local community college.  This is something he's wanted to do for several years now.  What wonderful accomplishments we have had recently, and 2014 as a whole was a pretty fantastic year.  It was full of completed goals, new opportunities, and so much growth!

Speaking of college, Jake wants to go back to school soon, Matt is finishing a class here and there in the Navy, and Lindsay will start at a charter school that offers college classes and about 85% of their students graduate with a high school diploma as well as an Associates Degree when they're done.  How exciting for all of them!  On the down side, because life is never perfect, Jake and Willa separated recently.  They are both in our hearts as they deal with this disappointment.

Matt will make a decision soon about his career in the Navy.  He doesn't know yet what will happen, so we're all just being patient for his decision when the time comes.  Patience!  I know, right?!  I swear, I am being patient!  It's easier than I expected, seriously.

So then there's work.  I'm thinking it's time to give my notice and become a counselor full time.  I have found security in my job over the years, so making this decision was difficult and scary.  Yeah, I am terrified of leaving the security I have had for all these years.  I'm still not sure if I can make enough money as a counselor, but If I don't risk anything, I'll never know.

So 2015 is here!  I'll be writing 2014 on checks and documents for the next three months, but so will you so there is that.  I will receive a transcript soon that states I have earned a Masters degree, leave a job I have both loved and hated for so long, and jump feet first and running into a career that I have been building for the last two and a half years.

I'm not one to make resolutions - I've said that before - so I'm setting my sights on intentions...  Intentions are positive change that I intend to bring about.  I'm not fixing something that's broken, I'm creating a positive - so much difference!  It's like the power of positive thinking; put the positive thoughts and intentions out into the universe while working toward these positive goals for change. 

Chili!

I'm on a bunch of food mailing lists - Kraft, Allrecipes, Betty Crocker, etc. - and in the last week they've all sent emails focusing on chili.   I know, big shock since the weather's getting colder and everybody is thinking about winter comfort foods.  When the kids were growing up, I came up with a fantastic chili recipe that was inexpensive, simple, made A LOT of food, and the family loved.  I recently figured out how to make it in a much smaller batch - tougher than you'd think since I've been cooking for an army (feels that way) for so long.

So basically I want to make a batch of chili - a little for dinner and a little for Rob's lunch and maybe enough leftover for another dinner.  I suppose that means I'll have to go to the grocery store today.

• Chili!  With sour cream, cheese and frito's.  Maybe I'll pick up some corn muffins too.
• Lasagna roll ups.  With vodka sauce, sausage, salad and garlic bread.
• Parmesan Chicken breasts with creamy potatoes and peas
• Frozen pizza for Rob and Lindsay on my class night
• Poor Man's Soup - kind of an open a can and dump it in the crockpot sort of soup
• Ravioli/spaghetti/Italian something - maybe even a goulash.  Or chicken.  I'm super undecided.
• Slop - my lazy fallback.  Turns out that I've started offering a choice between slop and burrito bowls because their base is the same - ground beef and rice - and they're about the same amount of work.

I can go to the grocery store by myself this morning and still have time to come home and finish a couple loads of laundry, clean and vacuum the office and living room, and neaten the dining room before I have to pick Lindsay up from school.  We'll even have time to be lazy before we have to leave for her appointment late this afternoon...  I'm thinking movie/tv show and some hot chocolate on the couch under a blankey.

Oh, and schoolwork.  I've got three huge assignments due in two weeks - none of which I have finished.  I have an individual presentation, a group presentation, and a case presentation....   damn, enough with the freaking presentations!  By the end of that class, I should be super comfortable getting up in front of them and talking.  Hopefully it isn't an issue at the beginning of class either.  

There's crazy life-changing stuff brewing in our family.  Not only is Jake getting married in nine months, but Matt is probably going to reenlist.  I'm over the moon excited about one and fighting the depths of despair with the other.  What we expected our lives to look like just isn't going to be the case.  And...  such is life.  Full of twists and turns, unexpected events, and disappointments.

Change Sucks

Matt is supposed to be done with the Navy next year so I've posted a best guess countdown.  It may or may not be accurate, but it will count for me and I won't have to.  Most of what this means is that we are counting down to change that we can't imagine.  He hasn't lived here since he was a boy in high school.  He's a man now, with adult dreams.  It will be different.  

It seems that everything is different these days.  Work is more annoying than normal, though I did talk about marijuana edibles with my boss last week.  It was a weird conversation, and funny.  I live in Colorado so it's legal, our employees just can't test positive for it because of the work they do.  I however, am exempt because I'm an office employee.

School is starting soon and Lindsay and I don't do well with change.  I have my last class coming up and that will be different too...  and then I'll graduate and more change.  Change, different, new experiences...  it just keeps happening.  That's what life is all about.    

It's kinda freakin' me out...

All the publicity surrounding the shooting at the Dark Night Rises in Aurora last weekend is starting to take it's toll on me.  I guess it's mostly about the sailor that died and how the bubble I imagine my family living in was burst.  So I'm not an idiot, and I never actually believed that there was something that exempted my family from bad things; I've just been able to ignore the fact.  I can't anymore.


Since Sunday night, I'm kept awake by thoughts of a government sedan pulling up in front of my house and uniformed officers getting out.  They walk up my steps and knock on the door...  I don't want to open it because I know why they are there.  I verge on panic and then it subsides because I tell myself it's ridiculous.  Or is it?


I haven't told anyone I know about this, not the navy mom's, not my husband or son, no one.  I'm afraid they will think I've gone off the deep end.  I think I just need some time and space from Colorado's most recent tragedy.  I will not read another article about it, I will avoid postings on Facebook regarding the deaths, I will continue to stick with the Hallmark channel that, thankfully, has no news coverage.

No Motivation - For Anything

Sick. I hate being sick. Jake gave me a cold when he came over eleven days ago, I got sick nine days ago, and I still have the cough and chest congestion. It's getting old. And I'm wearing down. I was falling asleep on the couch last night at 8:30 and held out until 9 so I could send Miss Lindsay to bed - or insist she get in it. I crawled into my own bed and passed out.

I talked to a Navy Mom last night that attends the same grad program I'm in. She suggested I drop my second class this semester because I'm so worn down that I can hardly keep up with the one class I'm in. I'm not sure what that would do to my schedule since I really only have two years to finish school. I have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow and I'll talk with her about it then.

I got to Skype with Matt on Saturday night for an hour. It was a nice easy conversation and it made my world just right. I miss him a lot, but it's easier to handle when I get to see his face and have those lazy talks.

I haven't felt like cooking much for the past week - ever since Mike and Jenn were here and I was too sick to make them enchilada's. It's kind of depressing not to be able to cook for your friends. The only plans I have for dinner this week are skillet lasagne and burgers. I guess the week will look something like this:

February 27 - March 4, 2012

• Monday - Ranch burgers with fries and carrots.
• Tuesday - I'll be in class so I have no idea what they're eating.
• Wednesday - Skillet lasagne with garlic bread while Lindsay and I watch the season premier of Psych!
• Thursday - Canned soup, since Rob will be at darts and Lindsay and I aren't pickey.
• Friday - Sunday - maybe I'll have some inspiration by then.

In the meantime, I have to buy small amounts of tropical fruit and some random leafy green veggies to feed the hermit crabs we bought Lindsay over the weekend.

Margaritaville

Again, it’s been a while.  I’m not sure I’ll ever get back into blogging the way I used to.  I think part of it is that I feel like I have to post something of substantial length, well written, and well thought out.  I just don’t have it in me anymore to put all that energy into a blog post.  I have papers to write, I have presentations/papers on treatment to put together, I have to figure out how to understand all the reading I have every week because there’s a STATE BOARD (and maybe National board too?) in my future and it’s all freaking me out.

Hmmm, that was kind of therapeutic.  I guess that’s my major stressor right there.  I don’t test well.  Well, crap!

Anyhoo….  Yesterday Jake called me and asked if I’d meet him at Zquila (a Mexican place near my house that has AMAZING margs and cheap happy hour food) for a drink after work.  It’s kind of weird that I’m meeting my son for a drink.  I still think he should be 11.  He was a pretty neat 11 year old; he’s a pretty neat 21 year old too.  I had a great time; we talked for an hour and a half about job searches and school, his brother and sister, tattoo’s and piercings…  everything.  He bought me a shot of something called a Zombie Brain?  Yuck.

If he hadn’t changed his mind and separated from the Navy DEP, he’d be in boot camp right now.  Sobering thought.  I’m so glad he isn’t.

As always, February is made interesting by Michael’s birthday.  It’s tomorrow and he would have been 23.  It’s not sad anymore.  He exists in our lives – even Lindsay talks about him sometimes, she even put him in her French assignment about her family.  The boys did that too when they were growing up.  Michael is with us.

I called Matt last night.  He got an iPhone because it has a really cool app that will give him a local number so he can make and receive free calls and texts from the States.  It was good to hear his voice and even about the boredom associated with painting fans.  Yeah, I don’t know, I didn’t ask. 

Meal Plan and Dolphin Sighting

I always make a meal plan, sometimes it's in my head (and not very useful) and other times I write it down on scraps of paper that get lost.  I'm not very good at keeping track of it.  So When I wrote up my meal plan and used the same page in my notebook to write my shopping list, I figured I had to make myself a copy to put on the fridge.  And since I did that, I should post it here - seeing as how I took the effort to make one and everything.

But before I get into that, did you know you can make pumpkin spice coffee with a tablespoon of pumpkin pie spice?  Oh, YUM!  I read about it this weekend and made it this morning.  I don't like flavored coffee all the time but occasionally it's fun.  It's really simple, just put the grounds in the filter and add 1 tablespoon of pumpkin pie spice on top and then brew as normal.  You can mix it in but it doesn't really matter.  I made eight cups of coffee, for four cups, use 1-1/2 teaspoons of spices. 

Matt made it to his first ship and he called me yesterday to let me know he'd gotten there and was safe.  The ship is way bigger than he'd expected and he saw his first dolphin.  He was tired so that's all I managed to get out of him.  We'll be able to communicate regularly once he gets his email set up but who knows when that will be.  Right now I'm just working on getting back into some sort of normal (whatever that is) routine.  I think I'm going to start posting care package ideas, or what I put into the care packages I send.  I'm clueless right now because I had two boxes all ready to ship the things he left behind and then he told me not to send them just yet because he doesn't need what's in them right now.  Hmmmm.... 

Week of November 6 - 12, 2011

• Roast with Horsetooth Hot Sauce rub, onions and mushrooms in the crock pot.  Mashed sweet potatoes and beets.  I made sour cream horseradish sauce to go with this.
• Beef stir fry, egg rolls and egg drop soup.  I bought sweet and sour sauce but not hot mustard - I hope I have some because egg rolls require hot mustard.
• Chicken pasta carbonara and salad.
• Meatloaf with homemade macaroni and cheese and green beans.  I kind of want to do mashed sweet potatoes instead of mac and cheese.
• Bacon and bleu pizza with salad.
• Taco soup with cheesy tortillas. For Thursday night when Rob is playing darts.
• Hamburger helper and corn for the night I have class.  Rob and Lindsay like this sort of thing.

Some meals ideas for next week:

• Pumpkin waffles with bacon and eggs.  I just love breakfast for dinner.
• Butternut squash soup - I love this stuff but I've never made it.
• Grilled cheese and tomato soup.

Random Crap - Again

I joined a group called Navy Mom Connection and talked with someone from there tonight.  It feels so weird - and it's heartbreaking - to be thinking about when Matt leaves and begins a life that doesn't include us.  Not that I thought he would be mine his whole life.  One day he'll just leave and he won't be home for months, as in many.  And this won't be his home anymore.  His home will be wherever the Navy sends him.

The transition will be so quick in fact, that his sister will move into his room when he leaves for RTC because he won't be back.  We will see him (hopefully) eight weeks later for (again, hopefully) a few days after graduation and then he'll leave for A School in Florida.

How do military moms - parents - handle this transition?  I think about this all the time now.  I know that parents have been doing this for decades, I just wonder how I will handle it.

All the crap that life has shoveled my way...

I haven't stuck with a meal plan in a long time.  I wrote up seven days worth of meals, put together a shopping list, checked the cupboards, and headed out to the grocery store.  Seven meals, plus breakfast and a few lunch items, added up to about $170.  Damn!

• Spicy Shredded Beef with potato salad
• Enchilada Casserole and salad
• Easy Crock Pot Chicken with long grain and wild rice
• Macaroni and Cheese Casserole (comfort food at its best)
• Hot Brown with tomato and asparagus (first time I've ever made this)
• Chicken Piccata with salad and marinated mushroom/Havarti/artichoke appetizers
• Steak and Gravy, Crock Pot style with mashed potatoes

I'm taking Matt to the recruiter's for his first briefing.  I don't know if I'm allowed to stay, but I thought I'd go so that I could get some information.  Worst case scenario, I head over to Barnes and Noble and do some homework or read to escape reality.  Better than drinking escape reality, right?  Okay, I tried that too - but it didn't work.

I went on the NavyforMoms.com site and some woman actually said to another worried mom whose son was in his second or third week of boot to 'calm down and get over yourself.'  That's what they call support?  I'm not sure I'm cut out for this.

I'm feeling a bit stupid right now.  I can't figure out how to allow URL links in comments.  Does anyone know how to make this change in Blogger?  I've looked at the comments options but I can't figure it out.  Is it even possible in Blogger?  I'm wondering if I shouldn't migrate this blog to the one I have over at Wordpress that's been dead for a year and a half.

Things are about to change...

My son enlisted in the Navy yesterday.  I never imagined this for one of my kids.