Fuck this noise!

6/30/2014 - Afternoon

It is a sad day when you realize you'd rather be at work than at home.  

My teen daughters behavior and my sons visit home have me jumping out of my skin and feeling useless and unwanted.  I knew I would say those words in regards to my daughter some day, but my son?  Never saw it coming.  It's the girl, I know it's the girl.  Who wants to sleep at home when you can sleep at the girlfriends apartment?  Why eat dinner at home when you can go out to eat with the girlfriend?  Why hang out and talk with your parents when you can party and go to clubs with your friends and your girlfriend?  Well, now that you put it that way...  Yeah, fuck that noise!  

It's been a week and we've seen him for about three hours on his own.  Three hours.  If I wanted to see the girlfriend, I'd have coffee with her when he's out to sea.  I haven't had coffee with her, ever.  There's a reason.

And then there's Lindsay...  she takes and takes and takes.  And then she gets upset when she doesn't get one thing.  She might ask for a glass of water and I've just sat down.  I say no, she get's irate.  Fuck that noise.

I'm not a happy camper.  

7/1/2014 - Afternoon

So I may have been mistaken about being at work.  I don't want to be here.  Maybe I'm just not happy anywhere right now.  That presents a problem.  

I wish I could afford to see a therapist.  I simply cannot function at this high a level of stress for much longer.  I have such horrible reflux/heartburn and stomach aches that I wonder if I have an ulcer.  I was certain we had a leak in a water line at home today and I just about lost it waiting for Shawn to take a look at it after I called him and told him I was worried.  Turns out, I was right.  Yes, I worry about EVERYTHING.  Yes, I WORST CASE SCENARIO everything.  Sometimes I'm right.  Not that it helps to be right, as a matter of fact, it might make it worse since it reinforces the need to worry.

Gratitude

I've been thinking about gratitude a lot lately - for the past couple of months in fact.  I think about how we all seem to take the little things in the world for granted, how we focus on the negative, and get stuck in the belief that nothing good ever happens.  Good things, amazing things, happen all the time but we may miss them because they happen every day or they seem insignificant.  They are insignificant because we make them that way.  

Think about the last sunset you saw, or how the sky was pink or orange at dusk.  That beauty happens all of the time, but we may be too busy to notice...  it's amazing when nature presents us with a perfect painting of the sky.  I saw a nearly-full moon the other night, perfectly framed by clouds and a darkening sky.  I reveled in the moment.  

We had a severe hailstorm here a couple days ago.  There were broken windows (both car and house), roofs that were destroyed, cars with massive damage, and some of the most severe water damage I have ever seen in the grocery store down the street.  I have a one-inch crack in the windshield of my car, Rob and Matt's cars have some major hail damage, and our mint and sunflowers are shredded (the mint is already recovering, go figure).  Our roof may have hail damage - we can't tell until we can clean off the vegetation - but it did not leak.  We were so lucky!  I am so grateful that we survived the storm safe (physically, property, emotionally) while some of those around us were not as lucky.  Even our insurance agent had some major damage to her office which isn't covered (flood insurance, yeikes!).

I am grateful that my sons are safe and happy, that my daughter has people she can depend on, and that my husband is more engaged in his job.  Even a small financial setback we will experience over the next two months gives me something to be thankful for - more time with him at home.  Gratitude, as I see it, is a choice - if you make the choice to be grateful, you have the opportunity to be happier, to see more beauty in your life, and to understand that life isn't all bad, it's a mixture of all experiences.

A Visit from Japan

Matt came home Monday night.  This time was a little weird - I didn't get all wrapped up in counting down, or freaking out about him being here, or being anxious for weeks, or telling every single soul I know.  In fact, someone told me a couple of weeks ago that he would be home in nine days and I was all, "Really?  Nine days?  Lemme count it myself."  We didn't really get motivated with the cleaning until Saturday, maybe Saturday afternoon...  okay, it was Sunday around noon!  Geeze, judgment!  I've decided that it must be because we're used to this, it's normal now.  Whatever the reason, the house got clean -ish, the laundry got done -ish, and Matt is home for a couple weeks.

On Monday afternoon/evening, while I was getting a few last minute things done, I heard Lindsay squeal in the driveway.  When I looked out the window, I though Jake had come instead of Matt.  I quickly realized that it wasn't Jake, but that Matt looks a lot like his brother.  It's almost creepy how similar they look, especially with their glasses on.  The only differences are weight and hair color, and maybe the three inches that separates them.  That first hug was great - Matt gives the best hugs...  next to Jake, or maybe Lindsay when she's in a hugable mood.  Sigh...  they all give fabulous hugs.  

So he's here and spending a lot of his time with his friends this week.  He says next week is family time.  Rob took most of next week off to spend with Matt.  Rob rarely gets to spend time with him when he's home, so taking so much time off is unusual and nice.  I imagine they'll fish and hang out, play darts and have a drink together, talk about everything and nothing...  My time with Matt will be on Monday.  We're going to go walking a great trail by the river; he's bringing his camera and taking a bunch of pictures, and I've asked him to take a bunch of me so I can find just one I can give to the counseling office I work for to post on the website.  

Having him here in the states makes it very hard to concentrate on being at work or being away from home at all.  Being at home while he's out with his friends makes me irritable.  It's not that I want him in my presence every minute (lie), I just can't seem to concentrate knowing he's in the states and I have to be patient, one of my best qualities (not).  

Return to Intuitive Eating

Two years ago I was under so much stress that I had begun to lose weight.  Sure, I was under stress, but I was also busy - rarely was I bored or lonely.  I lost about 20 pounds in the two and a half years after Matt left for the Navy.  I started graduate school the week he left, and a year later I started my internship.  These things were full of stress, but they also changed my focus in life and the amount of time I had to myself.  

No longer did I have time to sit on the couch and eat whatever was available while watching some mindless television.  I was busy with homework, classes, cleaning (while I procrastinated about classes and homework), study groups, clients, internship, work...  the list seemed endless.  I hardly had a moment to myself!  When I could find the time to eat, it was protein because I was concerned about my energy level, fruit because it tasted better than candy or junk food and it was cheaper; my lunches were hummus and veggies, cheese and fruit.  My dinners were salads and a protein (strips of steak, tuna, grilled chicken), and I reduced my caffeine intake.  Soda became all but a distant memory.  I indulged when I had a craving - once a month I just HAVE to get a fountain Pepsi - but I hardly ever buy soda now, and when I do it goes flat.

When I started to have time to myself, large chunks of time that weren't devoted to classes/homework/planning for clients/doing something for internship...  I sat on the couch and munched.  When I was bored, I ate.  When I was worried, I ate.  And lets not forget that I quit smoking...  I ate.  I've gained back nearly 18 pounds in about seven months.  It's depressing.

So when I thought I was losing weight because I was stressed, I was just reverting to intuitive eating.  I ate when I was hungry, I learned what the cues were, and I ate just enough to keep me going.  When I wanted "junk food" I ate it, but it was rare and mostly ate fruit, veggies, and lean/healthy proteins because I like them and they made me feel good.  I don't feel so well now, with the relentless heartburn and upset stomach most of the time.  I need to go back to intuitive eating and find other healthy behaviors to turn to when I'm bored, lonely, tired, stressed, or zoning out to the television.

What I still have to figure out is how to get back to intuitive eating without the stress.  I think I'll start with the eating.  I still have one class left, getting my hands on my transcript with my degree, and then beginning the journey toward licensure.  These things will involve some stress, as do some other personal challenges we're going through at home right now, so my best plan of action is to move myself into a healthier state through the things I can control - and I'm starting with eating.

Overwhelmed - that covers it.

It's like God wants to see how far He can push me before I turn into a drunk and smoke like a train.  Well, that's how it feels.  Eff a duck!

Oh, how I wanted a cigarette last night.  Instead I reminded Rob that we can't change the course of what's happening right now and we should just put it in a box and walk away from it for the time being.  I'm sure the stress of this new challenge will have its day, but it doesn't have to take over every waking minute of our lives.  Seriously.  It is what it is.

The night before last I opened a bottle of wine.  I had one glass.  Tonight I will drink one or two glasses and remind myself that it will go bad if I don't drink it.  Seriously, if you leave wine in the 'fridge for a few weeks, it's icky.  I know, I know...  wine left for weeks?  It was an accident, I swear.  And this wine is sparkly (no, not like the vampire, ugh) so it has only a few days.  Like Friday might be too late!  It's because I use a cork that doesn't really fit...  yeah, I suck like that.

So for the next four days I get to relax at home and be less of an "adult" because Lindsay is gone.  She is participating in Relay for Life with her friends' family in Cheyenne.  Unfortunately, I don't have the whole time off to relax like she does.  I work all day today, tomorrow morning, and have a group tomorrow afternoon and Saturday morning.  At noon on Saturday, I'm going to turn into a slug on my couch and watch whatever I want for the rest of the weekend.  I may buy another bottle of wine, some white cheddar popcorn, and another e-cig.  

We'll see how far I let my sloth ways go...  it's not like I'm that lazy all the time.  I may say I'm going to be lazy, but more often than not I do laundry/wash dishes/clean up various messes/put together projects for one of my jobs/balance our budget or checkbook/do schoolwork/organize something....  there are rarely any real idle times.  And when there are?  I'm usually spending that time with my family so it's time well spent.

However I choose to handle the current struggles in my life, they will be appropriate for me.  So my house isn't perfectly clean (never will be, I'm over it), my laundry isn't caught up (I might have to move and start over for that to be the case), and my toilet needs a wipe down (I don't do it every day, sue me).  I do what I can, when I can.  And tonight I can have a glass of wine, eat leftovers for dinner, and watch mindless television with my husband.

Stove Top Chicken

I'm always on the lookout for a recipe that is easy, sounds good, and is likely cheap.  This one appears to meet that criteria.  I found it on a FB page called Crock Pot Moms.  It didn't have a picture, probably because it looks unappetizing, but appearance is not the be all, end all of yummy food.

I have some concerns about this recipe - like I would never cook dair products for very long in a crock pot, but I get the basic idea and I can adjust.

4 thawed chicken breasts

8 oz package of Stove Top Stuffing

1 can corn, undrained

1 onion, chopped

Cheddar cheese

1 can cream of chicken soup (I'll use mushroom)

4 oz sour cream

Combine all and cook on low for four hours.  "Perfect for cold lazy Sundays."

Recipe from: https://facebook.com/crockpotmama

"Motivation" is the word of the day... HAHA Not!

With everything that's been going on, I'm still smoke-free.  It's been 78 days.  I think I may have even given up the need for an e-cig, though that's still in a trial period.  The last time I used it was sometime last week and then I washed it in my capri's...  Needless to say, the water killed the battery.  :-(  Booh!  I would buy another one, but I can't afford to right now, and if I don't need it, then why bother?

On a crappier note, I'm not feeling very well these days.  It's not entirely the emotional stress, though I'm sure that doesn't help.  My head and neck ache all the time, my jaw is sore, I'm exhausted, and I have awful heartburn.  Lying in bed doesn't help because it makes my neck light on fire, sitting makes my back hurt, and I'm too tired to do anything else.  Today is a lazy day - movies on tv (we're even too lazy to pick a DVD to watch), breakfast was microwaved Malt-o-meal (not very good - do yourself a favor and don't microwave it), lunch was canned soup and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and dinner...  who knows.  Rice with something?  Burgers or hot dogs?  I don't even care.  I'm kind of down in the dumps, not looking forward to anything right now, and wishing I could just stay in my bed for the next two weeks.

Two weeks...  Matt will be home in about two weeks.  I am looking forward to that.  He'll be here for 10 days or so, and then off to a Naval Air Station for a week of training.  He'll head back to Japan and have just under a year left to serve.  Fingers crossed, anyway.  So I'll get out of bed in two weeks to play with my family - picnics at the lake, bbq's in the back yard, family dinners, maybe even a July 4th big family thing.  Ugh, that means I have to ask someone to have it at their house.  No fun.  :(

Well, shit.  I have all kinds of depressing journal-like crap to say.  Such is life.

The Bazillion Life Events of the First Half of 2014

There are literally (yes, literally...  okay, not really) a bazillion things that have happened in the last six months that I haven't gotten around to writing about.  I can't coverall bazillion things here (since it's not actually a real number) but I can highlight some of the unending crap that I have had slopped onto my plate since December.

Matt came home in December.  It was freaking awesome!  It's always awesome when I have all of my kiddo's sitting around a fire, in the living room, or around a dinner table.  I have almost forgotten what it is to have three kids at home.  Loud and crazy!  After two weeks of noise and constant motion, I'm ready for some rest though not ready to take him to the airport.  It kind of sucks eggs.

Also in December, Lindsay was put on a whole bunch of new meds, one of which she had a reaction to and had to discontinue its use in January.  Because her medical and mental health needs were swiftly becoming more than our pocketbook could handle and the pending insurance requirement, I applied for health insurance for Rob and Lindsay in January.  Lindsay was immediately put on a state plan with a minimal enrollment fee.  For the first time in years she was taking all of her medication as prescribed and I wasn't anxious about her physical state all the time.  That was the good news.  The bad news was that the cost of Rob's plan was out of our reach, especially if you consider actually using it - paying copays, coinsurance, and deductibles.  I waited to see if I could fit it in our budget.  A week later he ended up in the emergency room at 11:30 at night.  The diagnosis?  Gallstone.  They recommended a surgeon and told us not to wait for an appointment.  And, that's right, no insurance.

With a few weeks, he was in surgery.  The gallstones, turns out there were two, were the size of golf balls and his gallbladder was three times its normal size.  He was lucky.  Surgery was successful, but it was hard on him.  What should have been an "easy" (according to the surgeon) outpatient procedure became an overnight stay with a drainage tube placed.  He was in a tremendous amount of pain, took hours and hours to rouse from anesthesia, experienced trouble breathing the first day, and had an irregular heartbeat for a few hours after surgery.  Needless to say, I was a wreck.  I was forced to see my husbands mortality, something I have intentionally never looked at for more than a few seconds - because lets face it, it's some scary shit to think about your husband dying.  I tried to get him to promise me he wouldn't die, but he's yet to make that promise.  Bastard.  As if my anxiety wasn't over the top normally, now I'm worried about his health all. the. time.  He was never sick!  Now I feel like he's fragile.

Not only did he not have insurance, he had no PTO at work and needed 10 days to recover.  That was rough.  We're still playing catch up, and we're going to be paying medical bills for some time to come.

I finished up my Spring classes at the end of April and have been free since then, but I just confirmed that I cannot pay for my final class in October.  Seriously, one fucking class and I can't take it.  If I hadn't had to make hard choices about incoming bills because of lost income, I wouldn't be in the situation.  $1,234.00 (I know, right?!) will get me my Masters degree.  Well, fuck a fucking duck.  That's my favorite saying.  Leave me alone.

In May, we had the awesome Lindsay experience.  That experience is still going, getting better every day.  Don't be fooled by my lack of a sarcasm font.  It's implied.

More Dinner Ideas

My ability to come up with ideas for dinner has waned over the last few years.  I literally make the same four or five things every week, with something new thrown in ever few weeks - something which never returns for whatever reason.

A few years ago, I made quesadillas on the grill.  They were fabulous, but more work than I was interested in.  Yeah, I'm lazy.  Actually, it may just be that our grill isn't all that convenient.  I think ease of use in the kitchen or wherever you prep or cook food is a huge factor in what you're willing to make.  

ANYWHOOOO....  Quesadillas.  That's a dinner I want to make soon.  Maybe I'll even try them on the grill.  I think they might even be great as a way to use up leftovers.

Just a thought.  Random, of course.

Meal Plan - June 1 - 7

Eating out of our pantry and deep freeze this week, mostly anyway.  

• Spaghetti and meatballs - I don't make sauce from scratch anymore, I just don't have the time.  I use Classico which is very good, my favorite is mushroom and ripe olive.  The meatballs are from Target, I've never made them from scratch.
• Burrito's - We bought some great green chili with turkey at the farmers market today.  These burrito's are nothing special, seasoned ground beef, lime rice, seasoned black beans, shredded lettuce, Herdez salsa (LOVE this stuff), sour cream, cheese, guacamole, and tortillas (I just put everything in a bowl).
• Burgers and fries - Discovered an amazing condiment combination for burgers, bratwurst, and hotdogs...  banana peppers and mustard.  YUM!
• Tex-Mex Chicken - I think I'm going to put this in a crock pot and then use it for chicken tacos like last week.  
• Breakfast - eggs, hashed browns, toast, sausage.  Pretty simple.  
• Slop - Didn't make this last week.  It's basically just ground beef, sour cream, and cream of mushroom soup over rice.
• Chili and Baked Potatoes - I've got chili in the freezer and huge baking potatoes.  Figure I should use them up.

We went to the farmers market and while we were out, stopped at the grocery store for a few missing pieces.  I didn't think we were going to, but we didn't spend much.  While we were there, we picked up a couple of movies from Redbox - Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters and We're the Millers.

Lindsay is with my sister-in-law this weekend, so we're on our own.  She'll be home tomorrow and we'll begin our summer with walks on trails (if they're not all flooded by the Poudre River), movie marathons, and hopefully some picnics in the mountains.

Tex-Mex Chicken

Oh, I wish I could make this recipe this week.  I'm not going grocery shopping though, eating out of our freezer for the next six days, but it's going to be on the list for next week, for sure!

Tex-Mex Chicken

4 Boneless chicken breasts
1 cup favorite salsa
1/3 cup shredded cheese
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp garlic
1 tsp chili powder
1 tsp basil
1 tsp oregano
1 diced green bell pepper
1 diced red bell pepper
1 tsp lime juice
salt and pepper to taste

In a bowl, mix the salsa, olive oil, garlic, chili powder, basil, oregano, and lime juice.  Place the chicken and diced peppers in the mixture, cover and marinate in the refrigerator 8 hours or overnight.

Place one chicken breast in a foil packet with about 1/4 of the marinade, doing the same for each one.  Seal the foil packet, and bake at 350 for about 40 minutes.

Use caution when opening the packet, it will steam quite a bit.  Sprinkle with cheese before serving.

You could cut the chicken into pieces before placing in the marinade in order to have the flavor more evenly distributed.

Serve with or over rice and beans, and even calico corn.  Add sour cream, avocado slices or guacamole, and more salsa if desired.  This can be a sort of chicken burrito bowl.

(Image from eHow: How to Make Foil Wrapped Salsa Chicken) 

Zucchini Parmesan

I found this recipe in a magazine on Self Care that appears to have gone out of business.  I can't seem to find anything quite like it online so once again I'm typing something up to pin it.

Zucchini Parmesan

Slice whole zucchini in half lengthwise.  Slice a tiny bit off the bottom so it will lay flat on a greased jelly roll pan or other oven proof dish of appropriate size.  Brush the tops of the zucchini with olive oil and top with garlic or garlic powder.  Top with sliced tomatoes, salt, and pepper (to taste).  Bake at 375 for 20 to 30 minutes, or until soft, sprinkling shredded mozzarella and parmesan cheese during the last 10 minutes of cooking so the cheese melts but does not burn.  You can mix the cheese with a small amount of breadcrumbs or panko if you would like to add some texture to the dish.

(Image from  The Zucchini Diaries)

The image was as close as I could come to the recipe.  

Teenagers

I LUUUUUUUVE me some teenagers.  Girls, really.  I love the anger that comes off of them in waves, the snide comments, the one or two word responses...  you know, the typical teenage girl.  Everything in her life is just horrible, she's lived through awful things, and she will never recover because people who struggle like she has just don't ever live normal lives!  (facepalm)  How dare I say anything about distracting herself when she gets sad/frustrated or going to spend time with a friend, because nothing will help - certainly not her mother!

Sigh...

I am trying to learn, very quickly, not to let her anger hurt me.  I need thicker skin, STAT!

The other super-cool thing that happens in our house is that we have no idea when she'll get angry, withdrawn, snap at us, or just be generally unlikable.  Don't get me wrong, I love and adore her, but some days I just want it to be peaceful.  Those are generally the days that are anything but.  It's three minutes till eight right now, and the angry one could emerge at any moment.  She was here this morning - woke up like that - but was fine when she got home from school.  Yesterday she was fine in the morning but something set her off around 7:30 so I'm kind of on edge here.

I'm trying to remember that many teen girls go through this, dare I say all of them?  Nah, there have to be a few who are a breeze to raise, who don't challenge their parents authority, and who go to all their classes and do their homework...  right?  Well, I wasn't one of those, but I bet they exist.  So if there are a tremendous number of girls who challenge their parents, why aren't they talking?  Or are they like me, afraid to share the details with the world and have kept their posts in draft?  Someday, when we're past this maybe, I'll share.  Until then, this is for my eyes.  Damn you Blogger, for not having a password function for individual posts!

Meal Plan

Something normal in a month that's far from normal.

The theme this week is simple.  I have no energy and no motivation.

• Beef Taco's - had these last night. 
• Chicken Taco's - soft taco's, later this week so it doesn't seem like a repeat. Chicken with spices (a package of chicken taco seasoning) in the crockpot all day.  Served with rice and black beans. Maybe Tuesday because it'll be ready when we walk in the door, basically.
• Breakfast for dinner - eggs, sausage, hashed browns, toast.
• Burgers and salad
• Burrito bowl's - ground beef, black beans, lettuce, salsa, avocado, etc. with chips and queso...  like Qdoba.  Geeze, that's gonna seem like I'm overdoing the Mexican stuff...  oh well.
• Slop - our family's version of a lazy meal.  Ground beef, sour cream, cream of mushroom, salt and pepper over rice or mashed potatoes.

I could also make:

• Meatloaf with mashed potatoes and green beans.
• Lime chicken - chicken breasts, lime juice, egg wash, bread crumbs or panko. With mashed potatoes.
• Chili with cheese, sour cream, crackers.

Nice to have other ideas sometimes.  I have lots of Mexican food ideas, but not much creativity for anything else.  I bought couscous but I have no idea what I was going to use it for or make it with.  It could be lunches - I'll have to look for ideas on Allrecipes.  I have Gorgonzola broccoli in the freezer that I could mix with the couscous.  There's one lunch.  We have leftovers from this week - penne, vodka sauce, mozzerella, parm, sauteed chicken and mushrooms - it was delish for dinner.

I think tonight will be burgers and salad.  I wish I had thought to buy french fried or tater tots, but no.

Can I do anything right?

Teenagers can really kill your self esteem, your belief in your skills, and shake the very foundations of everything you think you know about parenting.  Fuck me, this is hard.  I have never felt so incompetent in my life.  I think part of the reason I've been writing is because it's one of the things I feel like I do well, even if I'm not proofing or concerned with my punctuation.

My failures

I'm really struggling with being enough right now. Enough mom, enough adult, enough wife... I feel like I'm in a tug of war for my own identity.  Am I any good at any of these?  What is that saying, jack of all trades, master of none?  But have I even begun to scratch the surface of enough?

I'm told by "experts" and magazine articles that I'm not supposed to tell my daughter how smart and capable she is, but to point out how she is smart and capable.  Have I been doing it wrong this whole time?  She is smart, though now she's behind in school because she simply didn't pay attention in school and didn't care.  I bet she still scores in the high range of proficient on the TCAP in almost everything like she has in years past.  I feel like she needs to hear that we believe in her intelligence, that it exists within her.  Finding examples to illustrate her intelligence right now is a struggle because she's done so poorly for so long.  I don't want to create a little monster, but I can't have her believing the worst of herself either.  Sigh...  parenting can be a setup for failure, or that's how it feels.
  
Anyway, I guess telling a kid they are smart is considered detrimental now - it creates self esteem with nothing but air to back it up.  When I was a kid we were just expected to do well, to get good grades, to perform, and I was rarely congratulated for good grades.  I didn't know I was even allowed to fail; it was just my job to do well and when I didn't for whatever reason, I felt as though I had become a disappointment to those around me.  I couldn't have cared less about getting good grades, I just wanted to pass.  Never having anyone tell me they believed in me, that they thought I was smart, left me believing that I wasn't capable of much.  Add to that getting pregnant as a teen, and well, I believed every stereotype about stupid teen girls.  

I am also the enemy to my daughter now.  I was stupid before, now I'm stupid, clueless, heartless, and an iron beast with no sense of justice.  Try that one on for size.  I can hardly function because of the tears in my eyes and lump in my throat.  I have told her for a few years now that I'm not her friend, I'm her mother but I never felt like I was a horrible mother.  I know I need to grow thicker skin, but it's painful and I don't like it.  Imagine me stomping my feet and throwing a little temper tantrum there.

And that's where I start to feel as though I'm not enough of an adult.  Do adults throw temper tantrums?  Do they cry at the drop of a hat?  Do they struggle to keep the bathroom and kitchen clean?  Is laundry their nemesis?  Geeze, this adult stuff is a load of BS; I want off the ride.  Twelve years old sounds great - middle school, washing dishes and keeping my bedroom clean, playing with friends, having sleepovers, birthday parties, learning to cook and playing with dolls.  I was on the verge of adulthood without a lot of the adult concerns.  But I'm an adult with adult responsibilities.  I can't call in sick to work because I can't afford to lose any pay, I can't cancel all of my clients because I'm struggling with being a mom, I can't go on a shopping "spree" to buy all of the things we need because I wouldn't be able to pay the bills when I was done.  So I just suck it up and go to work, but I daydream about a vacation, about zero responsibilities, of having all my children grown because I don't know how to handle the here and now.  

What it's like to let someone else do the driving

I had never experienced what it's like to have a child admitted to an inpatient facility... until Tuesday night that is.  It doesn't feel good, lets start with that.  Being that I'm a control freak, the fact that no one at the facility feels the need to give me any real information about my daughter is frustrating at best, but really it's just infuriating.  

I gave them my daughter and while she seems cared for (Rob and I saw her when we dropped of clothes), I know nothing about what's going on, nothing I was told the first night has happened (as far as I can tell), and I'm in the dark - a place I do not like.

When we saw her last night, she was happy, smiling and laughing, mostly about the fact that I'd brought her clothes.  And chap-stick.  And shampoo.  She didn't seem bothered to be there, said she'd done chores (dishes - by hand y'all!) and said since we'd come she didn't have to call us.  She quickly followed that with, "But I wasn't going to call you anyway."  Gut punch.

So how do I live with this?  Rob says I need to stop thinking like a therapist and start feeling like a mom.  Yeah, I know.  If I let myself just feel like a mom, I'd be home in bed curled up in a ball crying, eating ice cream, smoking my damn brains out, and getting drunk.  Yes, I can do all of those things curled up in a ball, try me.  I had to put some therapist in there so I could function.  She'll be okay, they're taking care of her, she is there to get better, this is what she needs, this isn't about what I need.  The mom part says, I want my baby at home, she's being manipulative, I'm a failure at being a mother, what could I have done differently, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED AND WHAT IS GOING ON?!  It was all I could do not to buy cigarettes yesterday.  I even dreamed about smoking.  

I had a tough day yesterday, as did Rob.  I sat at work, crying occasionally, knowing I didn't want to talk about it with anyone.  Today, it is all I can do to sit here and be even halfway present.  I can't take time off work, and at this point, I only have six hours of work until the weekend.  I have a client tonight and a group tomorrow, but I can focus on those responsibilities easier because I am actively engaged the entire time.  Sitting at a desk in an empty office isn't the same.

(After lunch)
I finally had a release; I spoke to a friend about what was happening and how I'm feeling about it.  I also had the opportunity to accept the flow of the things that will happen, meetings, family sessions, phone calls, her progress and eventual release.  Yesterday I was frustrated because they called Rob's number to get in touch with us (worst plan ever), left a message that he didn't get for six hours, and wanted to schedule an appointment for a day that it appears the therapist isn't even available (according to her voicemail).  So basically, whether I accept it or not, I'm not in control so why not just sit back and let someone else do the driving for a change.  Those are the hardest words EVER.

Since this became a thing (a term I've picked up from my daughter and the girls I work with), I've wondered when and how, or if I bring it up to my supervisor.  Past experience tells me that I have to disclose it to her.  Because I'm having such a hard time regulating my own emotional responses and having trouble figuring out if it's okay to be a basket case verses a solid rock (I know the answer is somewhere in the middle, duh) I don't know how to bring it up to her.  I suppose if I see her tonight I'll just tell her.  Awkward!  But whatever.

My inner optimist tells me that this is good experience for relating to future client parents.  The snarky me says, fuck that and who gives a flying fuck!?  A friend said to me that Rob and I might look at this as a much needed break, but it doesn't feel like that's right, or even should be right.  While I did sleep in this morning, sheer exhaustion will do that to you, I'm worried about her every moment, more than before.  And now my weekend is going to be taken up with this so there will be no rejuvenation for the coming week, no relaxation after a hard week, just worry about her, family counseling sessions, and a miserable Mother's Day.  Happy Effing Mothers Day to me.  

Food is normally my friend; I'd say we're too close sometimes.  I have a hard time eating right now and nothing sounds or tastes good.  After dropping off Lindsay's clothes last night, Rob drove me back to my car (long, unimportant story) and then asked if we should just get dinner at Country Buffet.  While it isn't my favorite restaurant, far from it in fact, the idea of going right home was unappealing and not having to cook was a relief.  I got some roast beef, mashed potatoes, and a slice of pizza.  Weird.  Whatever, get over it.  I could hardly choke down anything because it felt like my throat was swollen.  We spent over $30 for the two of us to eat food we couldn't taste and sit in silence for the better part of 30 or 40 minutes.  We could have gone to McDonald's for a third of that and been just as satisfied.

I realize that I've been trying to raise a well rounded child.  Education is important to us, doing your best and not making excuses.  That goes for many things, like how we expect our children to treat others, what attention they pay to their responsibilities (school, chores, family) and above all, themselves.  We thought it was important to give our kids control of their bodies very early.  By that I mean that if they wanted to go to the doctor, they should tell us, or if they had concerns about something, they should ask rather than wait for an adult to bring it to their attention.  Lindsay is a part of the ME generation, where everything in life should be handed over and that she is the center of the universe.  Or so she thinks.  We didn't put her there, her friends did.  So now that she's in an inpatient facility, she believes it's okay to be totally selfish as long as it aligns with the facilities rules, which I'm sure it does.  

For a long time she has had no consideration for the feelings of others, no idea what this is doing to us financially or emotionally, and I'm sure she's looking forward to the vacation from home/responsibilities/school/parents and when she gets home she's going to expect things to be the same.  It's not going to be the same.  I'm shutting down her FB account (she's being bullied on social media and complains but won't really do anything about it - getting out of groups, unfriending people, not engaging, reporting, blocking, etc.).  Basically, we're trying to protect her this way, but that's not how she'll see it.  I will never hear the end of it.  Also, we're not going to let her sit in her room all the time.  She'll have to be in the living room with us and eat dinner with us every night.  I think I'm going to have to find some activities for her this summer, but I'll be damned if I know how I'll pay for it.  I will keep her with me on Monday's, take her to the counseling office if I have a client, and do things with her that day.  The other days will be the struggle.

Realization!  Well, not like right now, but within the past day or so....  I'm being selfish.  Not the stomp my feet, I want it my way (well, maybe just a little), but more in the I wish I had been more in the loop, I wish my daughter would have confided in me more, I hate that so many other people were right while I though they were wrong because I didn't have all the information.  That's it right there.  I don't like being in the damn dark!  Sigh...  Let someone else do the driving right now.  Maybe that's my new mantra.  I'm not sure it can overtake the fear of the unknown, of the dark.

Let someone else do the driving right now. 

But I like to be in control.
Let someone else do the driving right now. 

I want to know when we're leaving, where we're going, and when we'll get there.
Let someone else do the driving right now. 

My phone is silent and it's making me crazy.
Let someone else do the driving right now.

This is exhausting; why can't everything be like it was?
Let someone else do the driving right now. 

I don't like the dark.
Let someone else do the driving right now.  

I'm scared.
Let someone else do the driving right now. 

I was isolating before, now I've refused to let the world in and think they're all a bunch of fucking assholes anyway.  Go figure.  I did talk to a friend, but she's the least judgmental, sweetest human being I have ever met, and I was on the phone with her Tuesday when Lindsay's counselor called so she knew something was up.  I have been ignoring calls and letting them go to voicemail, I cringe when I listen to the messages, and dread getting a text.  Tonight I'll go home after meeting with my client (assuming the facility therapist doesn't want to meet with us at 5:45 or 6) and spend the entire evening alone because Rob is going to darts playoffs tonight.  He needs to do something, he's balled up all of his stress and is at risk of having a stroke if he doesn't find a way to reduce his tension.  I have no idea what I'll do with myself; normally I make dinner and watch a movie with Lindsay.  Jesus!  Is this what it's going to be like when she's out of the house?  Are we going to isolate and withdraw util we have no support network to depend on?  Well fuck.  So tonight I'll try to read.  Yalom probably won't hold my attention and Catching Fire will be only slightly more useful.  I'll stare at FB, scrolling without seeing, refreshing and doing the same over and over and over and over again.  This doesn't feel like a FB status update, so I'm not going to find support there.  The whole time I'm trying to occupy myself I'll check my email endlessly, waiting for who knows what, while going through the cable menu over and over again, hoping something new shows up.

When I've done all of those things 15 or 20 times, I'll roll over in bed, close my eyes, and cry myself to sleep.  My words here feel like they have power to help, and then I lose that power and fall into despair.  I am not a shining example of good mental health or successful coping skills.

My evening awaits.

Coping Tools and Tips for Quitting

Not smoking sucks.  And it's great.  Some of the tips I found online that I thought would work were:

• Find a friend to quit with.  (That's not gonna happen.)
• Manage stress.  (HAHAHAHAHA...  right!)
• Clean house.  (OMG, stop!  You're killing me!)
• Detail your car.  (Now its getting ridiculous.)
• Relax fully.  (Yeah, whatever.)
• Know why you want to quit.  (But I DON'T!!!)

So basically, I was frustrated beyond belief and very few coping mechanisms worked for me.  I guess I did journal, kind of.  I'm writing here and that's something.  I seem to have lost my e-cig, another helpful tool.  One suggestion that has had a negative impact on my life while helping me to make it 45 days without a cigarette, is to avoid situations with might trigger a lapse...  talking to my friends on the phone.  I would wander around outside and talk on the phone while smoking.   I may be repeating myself, but this has had a huge impact on me.  I find that I'm isolating a LOT.  My mom called tonight to see if I was still alive.  I haven't talked to her in forever - well, a little over 45 days.

Things that helped - without the sarcasm?  I'll try.

• Eat more fruits and veggies.  I'm on a berry kick.  I always have strawberries in my house and I've found an awesome salad that I can't get enough of - chopped romaine, chopped pecans, quartered strawberries, crumbled bacon, blue cheese, and balsamic vinaigrette.  I have fewer cravings for junk food, except maybe soda but I don't keep it in the house and end up drinking water.
• Do it for your health.  I'm waiting for more of those awesome benefits to kick in, like less shortness of breath.  But mainly I'm looking forward to living longer - I hope.
• Choose your reward.  While I haven't found a reward, I think this is worth putting a little energy into.  What would I use all that money I've saved on?  Well, right now I'm spending it on bills, and it's going to have to stay that way for awhile.
• To be honest, Managing stress is worth putting energy into as well, it just seems like a joke these days.  Some helpful hints to reduce stress.
• Avoid stressful situations.
• Regular massages.
•  Listen to relaxing music.
• Try yoga.
• Deep breathing.
• Distracting!  This is a fantastic tool for coping.  The list I've been looking at suggest coming up with my own list of "101 things to do instead of smoking" and would you believe...?  There exists just such a list online, though coming up with your own is likely more useful.  If you want a place to start, look here.
• Get moving.  I'm a huge baby about cold/inclement weather, so this is something I haven't been able to do yet.  Lindsay and I are going to start walking soon.  We used to do it all the time, but our schedules are crazy...  You like my excuses?  We're going to start, at the end of the month.
• Try and try again.  If I lapse and have a cigarette or (God forbid) buy a pack, I'll start over.  
• That last one reminds me of one of my most effecting coping tools...  When I want a cigarette, I imagine how my lungs will feel if I do smoke.  Awful, they'll feel terrible and I don't want to feel like that again.

Now that I've made quitting sound like tons of hard and terrible work, let me just say that I don't think about it too much.  I used to think about it a lot, even when I wouldn't have normally been smoking.  Now I think about it only occasionally: when a friend calls, checking out at Walgreens, and driving home from work on Friday evenings.

I'd like to do things that make me feel normal this summer...  read, relax among the sunflowers out back, drink some wine on a lazy weekend afternoon, and meal plan like I used to.  I started a few good books, yes I said a few.  

• The Gift of Therapy by Irvin Yalom
• Catching Fire to be immediately followed by  Mockingjay.  I read the Hunger Games a couple of years ago, but never finished the trilogy and didn't watch the movies until last week and now I have to read the rest.  
• One Second After by William R. Forstchen
• I Thought it was Just Me (But it Isn't) by Brene Brown
• I Heart My Little A-Holes by Karen Alpert
• Berried to the Hilt by Karen McInerney
• The Blue-Ribbon Jalapeno Society by Carolyn Brown

My meal plan for this week includes:

• Chili 
• Crock pot brisket/flat iron steak with mashed potatoes
• Hamburgers with fries and salad
• Quesadillas and salad
• Enchiladas with made-from-scratch red sauce (a first attempt) and lime rice
• Burrito bowls with all the fixin's - like Qdoba
• Lindsay's lime chicken with mashed potatoes and beets
• Spaghetti and salad

There are eight menu ideas and we probably won't use three or four of them.  I always have a few other ideas in mind for quick and easy dinners, like grilled cheese and tomato soup, leftovers, or breakfast. I will make chili but we might not eat it for dinner - it will be lunches or part of snacks.  Speaking of breakfast, we have to have plans for that now too, seeing as we all eat breakfast at different times and all of us on the run.  

• Rob eats granola bars or yogurt
• Lindsay has whatever I fix her - waffle egg sandwiches, yogurt, oatmeal...  she eats in the car so it's never really messy
• I could have a sit down breakfast because I don't have to be at work until much later than the others, but I rarely do.  I also don't really get hungry until after I've been at work for an hour or so.  I try to take berries and yogurt, cheese and crackers, or even cereal with me.  Sometimes I manage to choke down something on my way to work, but if I'm not hungry, it's a lost cause.

And then there's lunch.  I used to be much more organized with lunches, especially when I was packing Lindsay's for her every day.  Now I'm hit and miss and often end up buying mine, which neither makes me feel good physically, but is painful in the pocketbook.  

• Rob packs his lunch nearly every day.  He makes sandwiches, salads, or packs leftovers.  Sometimes we buy him microwave dinners but that's not often anymore.
• Lindsay eats school lunch.  I used to pack her something almost every day, but she decided she liked school lunch better.  That's depressing.
• I can take leftovers or salads, but I like to have random stuff - cheese and crackers, jello, tea, and fruit.  Or maybe cup of soup (but not the noodle stuff, I like cream of potato and split pea that you make with hot water), salad and water.  If I remember when I'm shopping, I'll buy hummus and pretzel crisps, tangerines, and cheese.  See, random.  

Well, that relieved some stress.  I had forgotten how much I like to write, even if it is bullet point lists about food and tips to quit smoking with a snarky attitude.

The Temptation of the Gas Station

While running my daughter to an appointment, I remembered that my fuel light had come on earlier in the day and I had been ignoring it...  and I wasn't going to get too far unless I did something about it.  There was a very convenient gas station on our route so I pulled in and began pumping gas.  While I waited in the bitter cold wind we're getting here in Northern Colorado, I looked up at the tiny station.  For a brief moment, I considered going in and buying a pack of cigarettes.

The thought came out of nowhere.  Did I want a cigarette right then?  No, but I think I bought a pack from here once or twice.  It's been 38 days and I'm having almost no cravings at all.  To be fair, I'm still avoiding situations.  I haven't talked on the phone to the friends who smoke (I will know what they're doing), I haven't even thought of going to the bar with my husband (he plays darts), and I haven't talked to friends on my lunch hour at work.  I'm isolating a little, but I'm also finding out what non-smokers do with their evenings and lunch hours.

I still don't notice any difference in my smell and taste.  Allergy season is kicking into high gear, which might account for the lack of improvement there, as well as the continuous feeling of congestion.  I'm really looking forward to this time next year when the shortness of breath is gone.  I bet allergy season isn't such a bear then!

When the weather improves, Lindsay and I are going to start walking again.  I think the exercise will also improve the way I feel.  For now, I'm less pissy than I have been and am starting to find some benefit to this healthy choice - finally.   I've saved $112 by not smoking 380 cigarettes.

One of *THOSE* weeks

Yeah, the weeks that make you want to curl up in a ball and cry, that leave you feeling vulnerable and weak.  And I lived through it...  without smoking.

I'm shocked, really.  I did a couple of things I was worried about.  First, I talked on the phone with a couple of friends.  I wandered around just like I would have done when I was smoking, but without a cigarette.  It was only a little strange to not light up, and it was fine.  The second thing was to drive a distance (rather than just around town or to school) and I still didn't smoke.  Might have had a little to do with the drives being in the morning, but whatever.  I didn't smoke.

I also told everyone.  I told my SIL a few weeks ago and she brought it up at Easter so all of my in-laws know.  I also "told" everyone I know on FB.  I've been posting a number for each day I'm smoke-free.  Yesterday I posted a No Smoking symbol with a 31 on top of it.  Everybody knows now so I will disappoint a bunch of people if I start again.  I don't want to start again.  I haven't smoked 316 cigarettes and I've saved around $100.  I'm hoping I start to feel that money saved.  :)

No idea what's got me this far.  Maybe it's stubborn determination?  I guess I don't care.  My husband and I are now smoke free and someday I won't be pissy about it.