Gratitude

I've been thinking about gratitude a lot lately - for the past couple of months in fact.  I think about how we all seem to take the little things in the world for granted, how we focus on the negative, and get stuck in the belief that nothing good ever happens.  Good things, amazing things, happen all the time but we may miss them because they happen every day or they seem insignificant.  They are insignificant because we make them that way.  

Think about the last sunset you saw, or how the sky was pink or orange at dusk.  That beauty happens all of the time, but we may be too busy to notice...  it's amazing when nature presents us with a perfect painting of the sky.  I saw a nearly-full moon the other night, perfectly framed by clouds and a darkening sky.  I reveled in the moment.  

We had a severe hailstorm here a couple days ago.  There were broken windows (both car and house), roofs that were destroyed, cars with massive damage, and some of the most severe water damage I have ever seen in the grocery store down the street.  I have a one-inch crack in the windshield of my car, Rob and Matt's cars have some major hail damage, and our mint and sunflowers are shredded (the mint is already recovering, go figure).  Our roof may have hail damage - we can't tell until we can clean off the vegetation - but it did not leak.  We were so lucky!  I am so grateful that we survived the storm safe (physically, property, emotionally) while some of those around us were not as lucky.  Even our insurance agent had some major damage to her office which isn't covered (flood insurance, yeikes!).

I am grateful that my sons are safe and happy, that my daughter has people she can depend on, and that my husband is more engaged in his job.  Even a small financial setback we will experience over the next two months gives me something to be thankful for - more time with him at home.  Gratitude, as I see it, is a choice - if you make the choice to be grateful, you have the opportunity to be happier, to see more beauty in your life, and to understand that life isn't all bad, it's a mixture of all experiences.

A Visit from Japan

Matt came home Monday night.  This time was a little weird - I didn't get all wrapped up in counting down, or freaking out about him being here, or being anxious for weeks, or telling every single soul I know.  In fact, someone told me a couple of weeks ago that he would be home in nine days and I was all, "Really?  Nine days?  Lemme count it myself."  We didn't really get motivated with the cleaning until Saturday, maybe Saturday afternoon...  okay, it was Sunday around noon!  Geeze, judgment!  I've decided that it must be because we're used to this, it's normal now.  Whatever the reason, the house got clean -ish, the laundry got done -ish, and Matt is home for a couple weeks.

On Monday afternoon/evening, while I was getting a few last minute things done, I heard Lindsay squeal in the driveway.  When I looked out the window, I though Jake had come instead of Matt.  I quickly realized that it wasn't Jake, but that Matt looks a lot like his brother.  It's almost creepy how similar they look, especially with their glasses on.  The only differences are weight and hair color, and maybe the three inches that separates them.  That first hug was great - Matt gives the best hugs...  next to Jake, or maybe Lindsay when she's in a hugable mood.  Sigh...  they all give fabulous hugs.  

So he's here and spending a lot of his time with his friends this week.  He says next week is family time.  Rob took most of next week off to spend with Matt.  Rob rarely gets to spend time with him when he's home, so taking so much time off is unusual and nice.  I imagine they'll fish and hang out, play darts and have a drink together, talk about everything and nothing...  My time with Matt will be on Monday.  We're going to go walking a great trail by the river; he's bringing his camera and taking a bunch of pictures, and I've asked him to take a bunch of me so I can find just one I can give to the counseling office I work for to post on the website.  

Having him here in the states makes it very hard to concentrate on being at work or being away from home at all.  Being at home while he's out with his friends makes me irritable.  It's not that I want him in my presence every minute (lie), I just can't seem to concentrate knowing he's in the states and I have to be patient, one of my best qualities (not).  

Return to Intuitive Eating

Two years ago I was under so much stress that I had begun to lose weight.  Sure, I was under stress, but I was also busy - rarely was I bored or lonely.  I lost about 20 pounds in the two and a half years after Matt left for the Navy.  I started graduate school the week he left, and a year later I started my internship.  These things were full of stress, but they also changed my focus in life and the amount of time I had to myself.  

No longer did I have time to sit on the couch and eat whatever was available while watching some mindless television.  I was busy with homework, classes, cleaning (while I procrastinated about classes and homework), study groups, clients, internship, work...  the list seemed endless.  I hardly had a moment to myself!  When I could find the time to eat, it was protein because I was concerned about my energy level, fruit because it tasted better than candy or junk food and it was cheaper; my lunches were hummus and veggies, cheese and fruit.  My dinners were salads and a protein (strips of steak, tuna, grilled chicken), and I reduced my caffeine intake.  Soda became all but a distant memory.  I indulged when I had a craving - once a month I just HAVE to get a fountain Pepsi - but I hardly ever buy soda now, and when I do it goes flat.

When I started to have time to myself, large chunks of time that weren't devoted to classes/homework/planning for clients/doing something for internship...  I sat on the couch and munched.  When I was bored, I ate.  When I was worried, I ate.  And lets not forget that I quit smoking...  I ate.  I've gained back nearly 18 pounds in about seven months.  It's depressing.

So when I thought I was losing weight because I was stressed, I was just reverting to intuitive eating.  I ate when I was hungry, I learned what the cues were, and I ate just enough to keep me going.  When I wanted "junk food" I ate it, but it was rare and mostly ate fruit, veggies, and lean/healthy proteins because I like them and they made me feel good.  I don't feel so well now, with the relentless heartburn and upset stomach most of the time.  I need to go back to intuitive eating and find other healthy behaviors to turn to when I'm bored, lonely, tired, stressed, or zoning out to the television.

What I still have to figure out is how to get back to intuitive eating without the stress.  I think I'll start with the eating.  I still have one class left, getting my hands on my transcript with my degree, and then beginning the journey toward licensure.  These things will involve some stress, as do some other personal challenges we're going through at home right now, so my best plan of action is to move myself into a healthier state through the things I can control - and I'm starting with eating.

Overwhelmed - that covers it.

It's like God wants to see how far He can push me before I turn into a drunk and smoke like a train.  Well, that's how it feels.  Eff a duck!

Oh, how I wanted a cigarette last night.  Instead I reminded Rob that we can't change the course of what's happening right now and we should just put it in a box and walk away from it for the time being.  I'm sure the stress of this new challenge will have its day, but it doesn't have to take over every waking minute of our lives.  Seriously.  It is what it is.

The night before last I opened a bottle of wine.  I had one glass.  Tonight I will drink one or two glasses and remind myself that it will go bad if I don't drink it.  Seriously, if you leave wine in the 'fridge for a few weeks, it's icky.  I know, I know...  wine left for weeks?  It was an accident, I swear.  And this wine is sparkly (no, not like the vampire, ugh) so it has only a few days.  Like Friday might be too late!  It's because I use a cork that doesn't really fit...  yeah, I suck like that.

So for the next four days I get to relax at home and be less of an "adult" because Lindsay is gone.  She is participating in Relay for Life with her friends' family in Cheyenne.  Unfortunately, I don't have the whole time off to relax like she does.  I work all day today, tomorrow morning, and have a group tomorrow afternoon and Saturday morning.  At noon on Saturday, I'm going to turn into a slug on my couch and watch whatever I want for the rest of the weekend.  I may buy another bottle of wine, some white cheddar popcorn, and another e-cig.  

We'll see how far I let my sloth ways go...  it's not like I'm that lazy all the time.  I may say I'm going to be lazy, but more often than not I do laundry/wash dishes/clean up various messes/put together projects for one of my jobs/balance our budget or checkbook/do schoolwork/organize something....  there are rarely any real idle times.  And when there are?  I'm usually spending that time with my family so it's time well spent.

However I choose to handle the current struggles in my life, they will be appropriate for me.  So my house isn't perfectly clean (never will be, I'm over it), my laundry isn't caught up (I might have to move and start over for that to be the case), and my toilet needs a wipe down (I don't do it every day, sue me).  I do what I can, when I can.  And tonight I can have a glass of wine, eat leftovers for dinner, and watch mindless television with my husband.

Stove Top Chicken

I'm always on the lookout for a recipe that is easy, sounds good, and is likely cheap.  This one appears to meet that criteria.  I found it on a FB page called Crock Pot Moms.  It didn't have a picture, probably because it looks unappetizing, but appearance is not the be all, end all of yummy food.

I have some concerns about this recipe - like I would never cook dair products for very long in a crock pot, but I get the basic idea and I can adjust.

4 thawed chicken breasts

8 oz package of Stove Top Stuffing

1 can corn, undrained

1 onion, chopped

Cheddar cheese

1 can cream of chicken soup (I'll use mushroom)

4 oz sour cream

Combine all and cook on low for four hours.  "Perfect for cold lazy Sundays."

Recipe from: https://facebook.com/crockpotmama

"Motivation" is the word of the day... HAHA Not!

With everything that's been going on, I'm still smoke-free.  It's been 78 days.  I think I may have even given up the need for an e-cig, though that's still in a trial period.  The last time I used it was sometime last week and then I washed it in my capri's...  Needless to say, the water killed the battery.  :-(  Booh!  I would buy another one, but I can't afford to right now, and if I don't need it, then why bother?

On a crappier note, I'm not feeling very well these days.  It's not entirely the emotional stress, though I'm sure that doesn't help.  My head and neck ache all the time, my jaw is sore, I'm exhausted, and I have awful heartburn.  Lying in bed doesn't help because it makes my neck light on fire, sitting makes my back hurt, and I'm too tired to do anything else.  Today is a lazy day - movies on tv (we're even too lazy to pick a DVD to watch), breakfast was microwaved Malt-o-meal (not very good - do yourself a favor and don't microwave it), lunch was canned soup and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and dinner...  who knows.  Rice with something?  Burgers or hot dogs?  I don't even care.  I'm kind of down in the dumps, not looking forward to anything right now, and wishing I could just stay in my bed for the next two weeks.

Two weeks...  Matt will be home in about two weeks.  I am looking forward to that.  He'll be here for 10 days or so, and then off to a Naval Air Station for a week of training.  He'll head back to Japan and have just under a year left to serve.  Fingers crossed, anyway.  So I'll get out of bed in two weeks to play with my family - picnics at the lake, bbq's in the back yard, family dinners, maybe even a July 4th big family thing.  Ugh, that means I have to ask someone to have it at their house.  No fun.  :(

Well, shit.  I have all kinds of depressing journal-like crap to say.  Such is life.

The Bazillion Life Events of the First Half of 2014

There are literally (yes, literally...  okay, not really) a bazillion things that have happened in the last six months that I haven't gotten around to writing about.  I can't coverall bazillion things here (since it's not actually a real number) but I can highlight some of the unending crap that I have had slopped onto my plate since December.

Matt came home in December.  It was freaking awesome!  It's always awesome when I have all of my kiddo's sitting around a fire, in the living room, or around a dinner table.  I have almost forgotten what it is to have three kids at home.  Loud and crazy!  After two weeks of noise and constant motion, I'm ready for some rest though not ready to take him to the airport.  It kind of sucks eggs.

Also in December, Lindsay was put on a whole bunch of new meds, one of which she had a reaction to and had to discontinue its use in January.  Because her medical and mental health needs were swiftly becoming more than our pocketbook could handle and the pending insurance requirement, I applied for health insurance for Rob and Lindsay in January.  Lindsay was immediately put on a state plan with a minimal enrollment fee.  For the first time in years she was taking all of her medication as prescribed and I wasn't anxious about her physical state all the time.  That was the good news.  The bad news was that the cost of Rob's plan was out of our reach, especially if you consider actually using it - paying copays, coinsurance, and deductibles.  I waited to see if I could fit it in our budget.  A week later he ended up in the emergency room at 11:30 at night.  The diagnosis?  Gallstone.  They recommended a surgeon and told us not to wait for an appointment.  And, that's right, no insurance.

With a few weeks, he was in surgery.  The gallstones, turns out there were two, were the size of golf balls and his gallbladder was three times its normal size.  He was lucky.  Surgery was successful, but it was hard on him.  What should have been an "easy" (according to the surgeon) outpatient procedure became an overnight stay with a drainage tube placed.  He was in a tremendous amount of pain, took hours and hours to rouse from anesthesia, experienced trouble breathing the first day, and had an irregular heartbeat for a few hours after surgery.  Needless to say, I was a wreck.  I was forced to see my husbands mortality, something I have intentionally never looked at for more than a few seconds - because lets face it, it's some scary shit to think about your husband dying.  I tried to get him to promise me he wouldn't die, but he's yet to make that promise.  Bastard.  As if my anxiety wasn't over the top normally, now I'm worried about his health all. the. time.  He was never sick!  Now I feel like he's fragile.

Not only did he not have insurance, he had no PTO at work and needed 10 days to recover.  That was rough.  We're still playing catch up, and we're going to be paying medical bills for some time to come.

I finished up my Spring classes at the end of April and have been free since then, but I just confirmed that I cannot pay for my final class in October.  Seriously, one fucking class and I can't take it.  If I hadn't had to make hard choices about incoming bills because of lost income, I wouldn't be in the situation.  $1,234.00 (I know, right?!) will get me my Masters degree.  Well, fuck a fucking duck.  That's my favorite saying.  Leave me alone.

In May, we had the awesome Lindsay experience.  That experience is still going, getting better every day.  Don't be fooled by my lack of a sarcasm font.  It's implied.

More Dinner Ideas

My ability to come up with ideas for dinner has waned over the last few years.  I literally make the same four or five things every week, with something new thrown in ever few weeks - something which never returns for whatever reason.

A few years ago, I made quesadillas on the grill.  They were fabulous, but more work than I was interested in.  Yeah, I'm lazy.  Actually, it may just be that our grill isn't all that convenient.  I think ease of use in the kitchen or wherever you prep or cook food is a huge factor in what you're willing to make.  

ANYWHOOOO....  Quesadillas.  That's a dinner I want to make soon.  Maybe I'll even try them on the grill.  I think they might even be great as a way to use up leftovers.

Just a thought.  Random, of course.

Meal Plan - June 1 - 7

Eating out of our pantry and deep freeze this week, mostly anyway.  

• Spaghetti and meatballs - I don't make sauce from scratch anymore, I just don't have the time.  I use Classico which is very good, my favorite is mushroom and ripe olive.  The meatballs are from Target, I've never made them from scratch.
• Burrito's - We bought some great green chili with turkey at the farmers market today.  These burrito's are nothing special, seasoned ground beef, lime rice, seasoned black beans, shredded lettuce, Herdez salsa (LOVE this stuff), sour cream, cheese, guacamole, and tortillas (I just put everything in a bowl).
• Burgers and fries - Discovered an amazing condiment combination for burgers, bratwurst, and hotdogs...  banana peppers and mustard.  YUM!
• Tex-Mex Chicken - I think I'm going to put this in a crock pot and then use it for chicken tacos like last week.  
• Breakfast - eggs, hashed browns, toast, sausage.  Pretty simple.  
• Slop - Didn't make this last week.  It's basically just ground beef, sour cream, and cream of mushroom soup over rice.
• Chili and Baked Potatoes - I've got chili in the freezer and huge baking potatoes.  Figure I should use them up.

We went to the farmers market and while we were out, stopped at the grocery store for a few missing pieces.  I didn't think we were going to, but we didn't spend much.  While we were there, we picked up a couple of movies from Redbox - Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters and We're the Millers.

Lindsay is with my sister-in-law this weekend, so we're on our own.  She'll be home tomorrow and we'll begin our summer with walks on trails (if they're not all flooded by the Poudre River), movie marathons, and hopefully some picnics in the mountains.

Tex-Mex Chicken

Oh, I wish I could make this recipe this week.  I'm not going grocery shopping though, eating out of our freezer for the next six days, but it's going to be on the list for next week, for sure!

Tex-Mex Chicken

4 Boneless chicken breasts
1 cup favorite salsa
1/3 cup shredded cheese
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp garlic
1 tsp chili powder
1 tsp basil
1 tsp oregano
1 diced green bell pepper
1 diced red bell pepper
1 tsp lime juice
salt and pepper to taste

In a bowl, mix the salsa, olive oil, garlic, chili powder, basil, oregano, and lime juice.  Place the chicken and diced peppers in the mixture, cover and marinate in the refrigerator 8 hours or overnight.

Place one chicken breast in a foil packet with about 1/4 of the marinade, doing the same for each one.  Seal the foil packet, and bake at 350 for about 40 minutes.

Use caution when opening the packet, it will steam quite a bit.  Sprinkle with cheese before serving.

You could cut the chicken into pieces before placing in the marinade in order to have the flavor more evenly distributed.

Serve with or over rice and beans, and even calico corn.  Add sour cream, avocado slices or guacamole, and more salsa if desired.  This can be a sort of chicken burrito bowl.

(Image from eHow: How to Make Foil Wrapped Salsa Chicken) 

Zucchini Parmesan

I found this recipe in a magazine on Self Care that appears to have gone out of business.  I can't seem to find anything quite like it online so once again I'm typing something up to pin it.

Zucchini Parmesan

Slice whole zucchini in half lengthwise.  Slice a tiny bit off the bottom so it will lay flat on a greased jelly roll pan or other oven proof dish of appropriate size.  Brush the tops of the zucchini with olive oil and top with garlic or garlic powder.  Top with sliced tomatoes, salt, and pepper (to taste).  Bake at 375 for 20 to 30 minutes, or until soft, sprinkling shredded mozzarella and parmesan cheese during the last 10 minutes of cooking so the cheese melts but does not burn.  You can mix the cheese with a small amount of breadcrumbs or panko if you would like to add some texture to the dish.

(Image from  The Zucchini Diaries)

The image was as close as I could come to the recipe.